Weight Loss and "Winkies"

I'm a little sad that my kids are now old enough that they need to learn the real names of things we have let them have cute names for like "Old McDonalds" and "Winkies".

What's a Winkie, you ask? Well it's that delightful golden yellow cake with filling that could last through a nuclear annihilation of earth (according to Wall-E anyway).

I was never a Twinkie fan (although I will eat them) but I do love me some Hostess Suzy Q's and those 2/$1 Honey Buns you can get at most convenience stores. It's sad that such wonderfully tasty treats do not allow for weight loss. I ate a Suzy Q every day that high school was in session. EVERY Day. Clearly my addiction to these things started early in life. I am thankful that my children are not allow to buy add-ons to lunch yet, and that will be closely monitored when it becomes available.

I don't buy Suzy-Q's now. But in a sense of balance for my kids, I do have snack foods around the house and I'm not really willing to banish these things. I have no desire to raise nutritious fanatics. My goal in parenting is to teach my kids moderation and balance, not deprivation and disproportion. It's being able to say 'No, you may not have 3 packs of fruit snacks, but if you are still hungry after 1 pack, then you may have a cheesestick or an orange." Why is this so hard to do for myself! Oh, anguish!

Wishing you all well for the New Year! Be safe!

Reflections for the Year End

I used to hate New Years. I was usually alone or babysitting for someone else while they went out and had fun. So I would sit alone and eat Pizza or Chinese food and watch TV and think about all the terrible and lonely things that had happened the prior year and lament that I was still alone and still fat.

Now, I find hope in the end of a year. I see failure as something that has happened but doesn't need to continue to happen. 2010 was a failure for me in weight loss. I gained back every pound lost. The whys of it aren't incredibly important. I eat because I'm...(insert any emotional adjective here).

I think what IS important is that I am thinking about the coming year and finding opportunities to do better. I have already made a list of fitness classes and times that are convenient for me to take each week. I have made attainable numerical goals. Have I done this all before? You bet! But I will continue to do it until I am successful and maintain the success.

I considered starting a new blog, but then I realized my story is continuing - it isn't a new one. There is no need to rip out the previous chapters. There is a lot to remind me of my failure, but there is also a lot to remind me of my success, also.

So, because I like "cute" mottoes I have made this goal:

212 By 2012. Will I still be overweight if I reach this? Yes. But I will be healthier, stronger and closer to where I want to be. It gives me attainable weekly goals of around 2 lbs per week. It leaves me some room to fail, because I surely will some days.

That's my only resolution this year.

Happy New Year!!

All Fall Down

Last Saturday I fell in the indent of a mulched area and badly sprained my ankle. 10 days of an air cast now. Life's little interruptions. We all have them, we all fall at some time in our life. When I fell it took a few minutes to get up because I wasn't sure if I could stand on my foot. There I was on all fours, my girls asking me if I was okay and I wasn't sure of anything except it hurt. But then after a few tears and a few minutes I was able to gain some composure and stand up and drive home (still in tears, mind you). I could have stayed on the ground and called for some help, or had my husband come pick me up. But I really didn't need it. All I needed was a few minutes. Sometimes we need a few minutes before we get back on the horse. I am frustrated that now this impedes work outs, since I had just gotten my schedule all together for the fall classes. But life happens. Falls happen. Just need to wait til I'm ready again. Soon.

What makes me do it or NOT do it?

I'm pondering right now what makes me motivated to go to the gym and why I can't stay motivated. I've talked about the switch mentality...where for months I can go and be happy and motivated at the gym and then in one moment dread every second. The switch was turned off. Right now I am like a kid playing with the lights, On off, on off, on off....etc. Some days I'm on, then I'm off...Monday I worked out and ate well. Tuesday I ate well until the end of the day...Wednesday - switch off...Today..well it's undecided, but probably is in the off position based on how I'm currently feeling.

It's kind of maddening....stay motivated lose 50 lbs...lose motivation gain 50 lbs...get motivation back....I think I need some duct tape for my switch...anyone else?

Rigidity

Definition:

Rigidity (psychology), an obstacle to problem solving which arises from over-dependence on prior experiences

This is what I'm working on in life and through therapy. Recognizing when other people are too rigid and recognizing when I, myself, am too rigid and how to deal with it in a way that doesn't make me depressed.

Recognizing it in others is a good thing because I've always been the type of person that would question my own opinions based on someone else's regardless of whether they were too rigid or not. I've had to learn to relax a bit. Sometimes it is simple things like forcing a kid to eat food they hate. Someone who was watching my kids once made my daughter sit at the dinner table because she wouldn't swallow the food she was given. She wouldn't offer an alternative and she wouldn't let her spit it out. Eventually she gagged and then was allowed to spit it out, but wasn't given another choice. (This person has rarely watched my kids since and when she did I brought the kids food already made). At first I questioned my parenting...I don't do that? Should I do that? Am I a terrible mother for NOT making my children swallow things they don't like? Other people's rigidity can make me crazy doubt myself. I'm starting to be able to say. "That's great if it works for you, but that's not the way I do it, and that's okay!" It's a work in process.

I'm often too rigid with my self and weight loss efforts. It's the thought of being all in or not at all. That's too rigid. It sets me up for failure or to think I am a failure when I don't succeed.

More later on this..

5 months ago..

was the last time I posted. Time sure does fly! So what are the momentous milestones in the past 5 months?

-I tent camped 3 times cooking only over a fire
-I watched my daughter dance in her first ballet
-I traveled to Missouri 2x and New England once
-I averaged about one work out a month
-I gained back everything I lost last year
-I let go of a friendship that was causing me stress
-I started therapy which I believe is helping me quite a bit
-I sent my babies off to full day kindergarten
-I quit playing Farmville

That's the basic gist of what's been going on with me. I have not kept up with blogs at all. Life overwhelms sometimes and then it is calm. I think I'm moving into a calm phase.

Hope Sinks

I love the movie Hope Floats. I wrote on April 1st with renewed hope...but then that hope sank. There's always a million reasons...

I have been getting to the fitness center maybe once a week. I met with the personal trainer for an hour last Friday. My toe is still in it.

I asked the trainer when she made the decision to lose weight was the "switch flipped" with no turning back. She said that it was that way. I have a faulty switch. Something tripped it. I need to figure out how to switch it back on and keep it on.

I'll keep plugging away.

April 1st

Spring, ah spring! Today was a beautiful day...flowers are beginning to bloom on the tree just outside my sunroom window. We took the girls to a park to ride their bikes while my husband and I walked hand in hand behind them. It was perfect.

Ah, if only, no... I MUST keep these thoughts in my head. Those moments need to be the ones I think of...

I love spring..not as much as fall, but still I love it! I exercised once this past week at the fitness center, and a little bit of walking today. So not zero, but not enough.

I've eaten badly. I know this. I've still done it though. But tomorrow is a 1st. It's ALWAYS easier to rededicate on the beginning of a month. Especially the beginning of a spring month when it is supposed to be sunny and 70 degrees!! I'm oozing optimism here, friends - can you feel it...can you take some of it for yourself and your own motivation? Please do!

I've been reading some wonderful books lately. Wonderful, soul searching kind of books that really give me perspective on a lot.

The Mom I Want to Be - T. Suzie Eller. I read it through and now I want to go and read it again more in depth. It has really given me great perspective on my parenting and my abilities to make our lives better than what I had.

Self Talk, Soul Talk - Jennifer Rothschild. I'm a little less than half way through. It's about training ourselves to talk to ourselves in a positive way and ways that only encourage us. I love how she honestly says that it won't get rid of the negative stuff we think, but if we continue to practice positive self talk, eventually the good stuff will cover up a lot of the bad. I might quote some of her because a lot of what she writes can really apply to a weight loss battle.

The Last Child in the Woods - Richard Louv - This has nothing to do with weight loss or self improvement really, but it is a study about how children today have what the author terms as "nature deficit disorder" and how that is really causing them higher anxiety and greater inability to deal with stress. It's interesting so far.

This might be my favorite week of the whole year. Dubbed "Holy Week" by some, I love the week leading up to Easter. My favorite thing is Good Friday services. (growing up Catholic, I didn't even mind the stations of the cross that I went to with my Nana). I think that without an understanding the suffering and sorrow, we can't understand the hope and joy and truth of Easter.

HAPPY EASTER!! (in case I dont get around to posting again)

Science

I'm linking to a very interesting study done on rats and food addiction.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/20100328/hl_hsn/junkfoodaddictionmaybereal

The Rising of the Sun

I love sunrises. They may not be as beautiful as sunsets can be, but I love the hope and promise that a sun bursting out can bring for the day. Suns setting signal the end of something, while sun rises signal the beginning. A fresh day, a fresh start. Fresh hope.

I have a friend whose girlfriend has also had a difficult upbringing. Whose parents weren't the affirming, encouraging folks we all long to have. But she and I are different as night and day. While I find hope in each new day, a chance for redemption, she only sees the sorrow and hurt. She wonders how God could love her if he allowed those things in her life. She is miserable. On the outside she is a strong woman who has had a book published, who has worked in government circles, who even attended one of the inaugural balls for President Bush! Plus she's dating one of my very best friends but yet she feels God hates her and there is nothing good in her life. She's REALLY stuck. She gets through each day with no hope.

Now, I have had those feelings on occasion and I do murk through emotions about my upbringing on a daily basis usually, but when I look at life I do see blessings and hope and opportunity. I see love. This weight is my own prison of my own doing and I bear the brunt of the blame for it. And maybe, as Chris (A Deliberate Life) says when I deal with all of that stuff, get it all out there - because there is a lot that is still not out there) the weight will come off. I won't need to look to food.

Yesterday I went to a friends house for lunch. I brought a bag of potato chips with me. At one point in the meal the conversation went something like this..
Friend: Thanks for bringing the chips.
Me: No problem, I want to make sure you'll stay my friend (truth masked in humor)
Friend: Did you just say that? You don't really think that do you?
Me: Well I just want to make sure.

It's not the exact wording...but my friend called me out on it. And it was really the most wonderful thing. Because she knows me and isn't afraid to tell me when I'm lying to myself and correct it. I do have fear. Fear that today's friend won't care about me tomorrow. It has happened. It makes me nervous to trust people. So sometimes, subconsciously I think things like "If I bring the chips they will like me". Thank you friend, for loving me even if I don't bring the chips. And for giving me hope which is helping me heal.

Face to Face with the Enemy

I am tired. I don't feel I've quite caught up from the last few weeks. I had two weekends away, then daylight savings time, then this last trip where we lost another hour traveling east and making it back up coming home. I think my whole internal clock is confused.

So last night I woke up to scratching on the wall of my bedroom. I got up and looked out the window to see this huge animal on our house. It was a raccoon! It kept walking back and forth. Jumping down to our deck and back up to the overhang at our bedroom and back to the roof. At one point my husband and I knocked on the window to try to scare it to jumping off the house. Instead it came right up to the window and peaked in!! I was face to face with my enemy! (It actually was kind of a cute enemy)

Depression is not a cute enemy. Trying to go face to face with it,I did go to spin class yesterday. And then ate Oreos. I did not eat breakfast, but at oreos for lunch. I read books to help me be better but then they make me sad. I wish I was more like my husband. He has accomplished things he wanted to accomplish in life, he generally doesn't care what other people think about him and he is just laid back. I am the opposite, in all ways. We truly do balance because we are complete extremes. Facing the enemy is hard. Sometimes the enemy is myself. And I'm battling different enemies within myself a lot.

Today I realized why I get so upset when my kids make such a cluttered mess with their toys. Normally I get angry with them, but part of my learning about not punishing others for things that happened to me in my life brings questions to my mind. When I was about to blow my stack today for complete destruction of our family room while they were building a fort to play in, the thought came to my mind. "You are not angry with them, but you are angry because you grew up in clutter to the point where you had to stay out of your house for days while your family cleaned the house. And then you had DCFS visiting you in school asking you about your life and your Dad and you were afraid they were going to take you away. You were so happy to return home to a beautiful clean house, only for it to be dirtied and cluttered again so quickly." I took a deep breath and I told the girls, they could make a fort, but I would help them make it so they were not completely destroying the house. Stuff like this is my daily enemy that I have to go face to face with every day.

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned it, but in high school I went to counseling once a week for a while. The counselor told me that despite my circumstances she was very impressed that my only "vice" was my weight. She was actually impressed! I was smart, had friends, did well in school, liked to read, volunteered, went to church. I was not on drugs or promiscuous or pregnant or a runaway. I'm fighting memories all day long, every day. I want so much to be a better person, physically, emotionally and spiritually. But it is hard. VERY hard. And for those who say "just get over it"...I'd like them to tell me how. Specifically...a step by step process. Because it ain't that easy.


Oh Spring, where art thou!?

When You Are BAD...

Bored
Anxious
Depressed

B.A.D. - this is when I tend to eat the most. When I binge, when I eat haphazardly. And it is BAD for my body and for my mind. It is BAD. Notice that hunger is not part of that acronym. I am rarely hungry.

Bored - Why do I even allow this to happen? There is always SOMETHING that I could do. Life is full of things to do, places to explore.

Anxious - Sometimes I get anxious. Waiting for a call, waiting for my husband to get home. Stressed about something I have to do. I want to start praying or reading instead of eating. There are much better things to do than be anxious.

Depressed - This is the toughest one because when I am depressed I really don't want to do anything but eat. It is a 30 year old habit that is very hard to break. Thankfully winter is mostly over and I can get outside more to help keep this at bay.

I was really stressed last night with the kids in our hotel room. Stressed to the shutdown depressed state. Blaming myself for bad parenting and inability to effectively discipline the kids. Thinking it was pointless to even try. My husband said to me. "You're stressed because you haven't had any time alone in a few weeks. You haven't been to the gym" He's right. One of the kids was sick with swollen tonsils and strep and I like to keep them out of commission a little longer when they are on antibiotics to protect other kids from their germs. So once we get back to Chicagoland tomorrow night, I need to get there more often if only to get time alone to de-stress.

Welcome to my 5 new readers! I'm grateful for you all. On this journey to get rid of the BAD and making it GREAT - Getting Required Exercise All the Time!!!

No more Sorrow, No More Pain

It is with much sadness that I post right now. A fellow blog friend, Bethany McDonald, passed away last night from a heart attack. She had a heart condition and was trying to lose some weight to help with that. Though we never met in person, she was one of my first readers and always one to encourage me whatever state I was in. She was young and lovely with a gentle spirit. She was one of the bloggers I wrote about the other day when I said I would not stop following even though the scale was not in her favor. She wrote from her heart. I am sad that I will not get to hear from her again. I am sad for her husband and 2 young children she leaves behind.
But through my tears, I am comforted to know what she believed in and to Whom she belonged. I believe that she will be made perfect in Heaven. I am reminded of this song by artist Chris Tomlin

"I Will Rise"

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

Bethany's name was called, and now she can be pain free, sorrow free in a new body. I will pray for those she left here on earth. Those who will feel sorrow and pain. That they will find peace and comfort in this sad time.

Although she won't be able to encourage on earth, this was her blog: www.bethanymcdonald.blogspot.com I hope you'll take a minute and just get to know a fabulous woman, who if we knew each other personally, I'm sure we'd be "in life" friends.

Who will be Number 50?

I have had 49 followers it seems forever! Now, I am in awe and honored that 49 people take the time to read my words each day. It's kind of like having 49 friends call you on the phone to see how you are doing, (without having to search for the phone every time it rings). This, in a way, is part of my own healing process. My words count. They mean something to people - maybe different things - but still something.

I like Grey's Anatomy. I watch it faithfully, and have never missed an episode. I spent some time wondering why I like it so much. Part of it has to do with the fact that Meredith's (the main character) father abandoned the family when she was young. And she has trust issues and abandonment issues. It is made up drama about real life feelings. A few episodes ago was a flash back in time when one of the main doctors was an intern. She was quiet and basically unheard. The chief told her "surgery is a shark tank, don't be a minnow." and "God made you short, who made you quiet?" My blog, in a way is helping me not be a minnow and is making me feel heard. It's a step in confidence.

Last night we had a fun night at 1776. The cast was mostly good, but the orchestra was terrible. I know it's local theater and we love supporting that, so they probably couldn't afford a great group. Today is hubby's birthday, so we have a few plans to eat out. Love that. Love him. Heading into Chicago to the Field Museum with the kids. Lots of walking, lots of fun.

I plan to hit the gym this week. Last week we had strep throat, the week before swollen tonsils and fever. So I've only been once in the last couple of weeks. Kid illnesses are a pain. I've been unmotivated too, so I can't blame it all on the kids.

So who will be #50? And thank you, 49 readers who encourage me and make me feel a little more like a shark every day.

I'm Over Waiting

If you are a faithful reader you might have noticed I changed my blog description from The Overweight Life to The Over Wait(ing) Life. The url will remain unchanged because it's too much of a pain to start a new one.

I hate to wait. In lines, for my kids or husbands, for airplanes to take off, for other people. I hate it. which probably exacerbates my emotional tendencies regarding life, because I am perpetually waiting. I'm waiting for a cathartic moment where everything lines up perfectly in life and I become that "exact" person that I imagine I would be if I am completely whole and perfect.

Yeah...well, that's probably not going to happen overnight. I confess I get stuck in patterns of bad behavior because I don't think I can ever be whole sometimes. I'm so used to being the fat girl with no self esteem who is very lonely. The truth is that I've probably conditioned my life to be the way it is because of my patterns of behavior. Of not trusting. Of automatically assuming that others don't like me, don't care, don't respect because of my weight or because of my brokenness. Many bloggers post that once you lose the weight all of that is still there. Ugh. I don't want that. I need to refocus. It's not about the weight, or how many times I work out a week. That will help me, and I should be doing it, but it needs to be about something greater than that, or my identity will stay caught up in my weight, and others opinions of my weight.

So I've deleted my progress and inches. Many might think it's because I've gained. Yes, the truth is I have gained about 5 lbs since January. But that's not why I've deleted all that. I don't want my readers to find my worth in lbs lost any more than I want people in my life to love me better if I weigh less. Two of my favorite bloggers right now are not moving on the scale in a favorable direction, but I don't want to stop reading them because they both offer fabulous insight and such encouragement to me. I don't want to be in a competition with other bloggers about lbs lost. This is not what I want my life to be about. Oh, I think that achievements are wonderful and need to be recognized, so I'll still tell you about that. But to keep moving ahead, it's more healthy not to think ..."wow, I used to achieve more weekly goals". It's like looking at a trophy of when you were the best at something. It's disappointing when you aren't quite at that level anymore.

I started this blog and my weight loss efforts to find "normal" to feel "normal". I've lost a little bit of that focus in the last few months. So I'm trying to get it back. I need more accepting of who I am, and who God made me to be. I'm not always sure of the answer to that, but I am sure that He didn't intend for me to hate myself on weeks where the scale shows a gain and love myself on the weeks where it shows a loss.

This has never been a "spiritual" blog. But faith in God is one of the most important parts of my life. It's time to intertwine the two a bit more. I may lose readers because of it, but that's okay. This is who I am. I've got to stop being afraid of that.

OK...fun things...tonight is DATE NIGHT! Going to see the musical 1776 with my hubby. We might have time to stop at the Creperie for a dessert before we go! FUN FUN! I love (most) musicals. Then tomorrow is Hubby's Birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE! Sunday we leave for Ypsilanti Michigan. (huh? where?) It's next to Ann Arbor. K has some work there Monday and Tuesday and the girls and I are going to hang out at the hotel pool and check out the town for a couple of days!! Family togetherness!

Have a wonderful day.

I'm not lucky, but I'm blessed

I am not a lucky person. I very rarely have won any type of raffle or contest. When I do something nice, it tends to backfires. (ie the snow shoveling incident of '08 when I was trying to be helpful to my husband and I fell on my tush and hurt for about 5 months). I have come to expect the worst in life because it seems that I've just had a lot of that.

But when I take my eyes off my fat self for just a few minutes and look at what I have and not what I don't have I can see the blessings of my life.

Although I have an overweight body, I have a body that works generally well for the most part with good blood pressure and cholesterol and free of cancer.

Although I have a husband who frustrates me, I have a husband who works hard so I can stay at home with my children, who allows me to go away for weekends and takes care of the children. Who does help with household chores when I ask him to. Who plays board games with me when I want (even if he doesn't like the particular game)

Although I want to pull my hair out of my head with my children often, I have two beautiful, smart children who express themselves well (sometimes TOO well) who know how to pray to God even at a young age, who find joy in simple toys like squishy lizards and frogs and who love to be read to. Who will cuddle at a moments notice and who make me laugh like no comedien on earth.

Although I have some friendships that hurt more than they help, I have some friends who are the bees knees. Who I can call for stupid things like the sounds coming from my dishwasher and who I can call in tears because I am discouraged. Ones who pray with me and for me. Ones who sing Bon Jovi in the back of a church van coming home from a conference.

Although our house needs some updating that is somewhat infested with ladybugs, I have a house on an acre of wooded land, with hundred year old oaks with so many bird friends we can't even count. We live next to another five year old who will start Kindergarten in the fall and are surrounded by nurses (in case some unlucky should happen)

Although I have a painful past, I have a hopeful future. Who I am at this moment doesn't have to define me. Who I have been doesn't have to define me. My past does not define me. This is truth I need to keep reminding myself of.

Here's some photos of our St. Patrick's day celebration. I don't need luck. I'm already blessed.

Punishment

I am dressed for the fitness center...had a good breakfast today, healthy eating yesterday, feeling better.

I had a very good weekend at the Hearts at Home Conference. I love, even when it's hard, when someone speaks words that reveal something in me that is not good. A way of thinking I hadn't even realized.

I took a session called "The Mom I want to be" with T. Suzie Eller. It was about forgiveness and healing but more really about moving past dysfunction. One of the things she spoke that really hit hard was about punishing others (and ourselves) for things that haven't worked out in our life. She says often it is because the offending person hasn't made amends for the wrongs done or hasn't suffered for the wrongs done. It's natural that we want some sort of payback for the things that have hurt us.

I am a perpetual punisher. I punish myself by not taking care of me. I can honestly say that I eat sometimes to hurt myself because I still feel unwanted by my parents. Because even though it isn't REALLY hurting them I think that if I hurt myself enough then they might have some carthasis moment that we see so often on TV where parents admit they were so wrong and want to help you and be more a part of your life....It probably won't happen, so I need to be conscious of that daily.

I punish my husband. My dad was not a cleaner. Either we lived in squalor or I did all the cleaning. When I cleaned, if I didn't finish one room, my dad would comment on that one missed room. I expect a lot of him. I think I deserve a clean spotless house that *I* don't have to do all the work for.

I punish my kids (and this was such a hard thing for me to hear) because I feel they should have some super duper love for me all the time because I am a mother who stayed and chooses to stay at home with them. They are only 4..they shouldn't have that burden. So my punishment comes by being disappointed when they don't act as grateful as I think they should.

So it gave me a lot to think about. A lot to work on. But it is true that we all want someone to pay when they've hurt of. And when they don't pay for their offenses then we punish others. False senses of what we deserve to get or to be.

Busted

Friends are the best thing in life. This week I was busted for not going to the fitness center for the last few weeks. My super friend called me on her way to her job and said "I was driving by the fitness center and thought of you and thought I'd call you." That's all she said then, but later in the day we were having a conversation about my feelings lately and she asked "Have you been working out?" She knows the answer. I haven't blogged lately or talked about the fitness center. She knows. I'm busted. But that's good. It's good when someone recognizes that something has shifted in your life and can call you on it in an encouraging but corrective way.

Last weekend I was in Boston - land that I love, but land of great stress and increased anxiety. I blogged all about the emotional duress I experience visiting the land of my youth last November...no need to reiterate. I did see my brother and have about a 10 sentence conversation with him which is a 7 sentence increase over the last time I saw him. Big improvement since I only saw him for about 10 minutes this time as opposed to 3 hours last time! There was difficulty with one of the friends there..the one i expected it to be and maybe at long last this friendship can be ended. This friendship started years and years ago when I sought all types of approval and friendship. I would have done anything people said to keep them in my lives. But eventually I grew up and grew somewhat of a spine and determined what I liked to do and had opinions. I got married and had someone else to consult on major decisions and often our decisions weren't what she thought was the "best". Since then our friendship has been rocky but consistent. We moved closer to her when my husband changed jobs and I thought this would help our friendship, but it has strained it more. It is sad to end a friendship, but it is even sadder to live constantly in a state of disapproval.

I'm off this weekend to a conference in Normal, Illinois. I wonder why they named it this. I should do some research. It's called the Hearts at Home Conference - it's all about being the best mother and person we can while being at home with our kids.

Thanks for those who are checking in with me even when I don't blog! It's encouraging.

When I am Weak I am Weak

I had my second interview today and it went really well, but now is the waiting game. They really didn't give me any exact idea when they would know...just soon.

I leave Thursday for a weekend in Boston with my girlfriends. It'll be a weekend without kids, so that is nice, since the last few I've had a sick child and even as I type there is yelling and whining going on in the background.

I am a weak person. As a Christian I believe God is strong and can make me a stronger and better person. But right now I feel weak and not feeling strong at all. At least not in the area of taking care of my body.

I miss blogging daily. Sometimes I don't write because my hubby and 2 good friends read. ( I love you all really) but sometimes its hard to lay it all out there to people who know you so well. It's weird because they DO know me well, so why is that harder?

One of my deterrents is a problem I had when I was around this weight in 2004. It's kind of gross so if you are squeamish, you might want to stop reading. It's an odor problem. It exists in the the area where my stomach roll lands by my lady parts. I'm sure its just a sweat issue because of how the skin is rubbing there. Kind of like the sweat between your toes. I think when I was a bit heavier maybe it just wasn't so close or something. Anyhow, it just has me self conscious in a way I haven't had to be. I just feel I want to keep taking showers before and after workouts and before I go to bed at night, but 3 showers a day is a bit excessive. So I use baby powder on it to keep it drying and from producing sweat. I told you , it's gross. So I think mentally I want to gain weight so it will stop smelling. My nutty brain. I think I just don't know at which weight it will STOP smelling. Does anyone else have this problem?

Anyhoo...(as my hubby says) that's today's news.

The Overweight Life

Hopefully someone is still reading after my break.

I started this blog to help me be motivated, a way to verbally spew all that was going on in my head about weight loss and diet and exercise. I am not without thoughts this month of course, but I haven't had my blog therapy very much at all. Maybe sometimes I get too comfortable in my routine or bored with it. Maybe I question the purpose of throwing all this stuff "out there". I've had a bad month. You know it's bad when your 4 year old has asked two days in a row to go to the fitness center!

I'm not sure what triggered this current bad eating cycle or indifference to exercising. It might be the weather. Lots of snow, lots of clouds. Yesterday was the first day I felt kind of 'happy' as the sun shined throughout the house. I looked at a weather map and saw that there might have been 5 almost sunny days this month Last month wasn't much better. I tend to get blahs in the winter, and up until now have managed to keep that at bay.

There's been some good things going on. Last Friday I went to the Oprah show! It was very exciting. Shaun White was there with his gold medal, a bunch of people via satellite (Matt Lauer, Evan Lysacek, Lindsey Vann, one of the Haitian missionaries that got arrested) and Lee Daniels, the director of the movie Precious AND Lady Antebellum, the country music group. We took home a pair of the official Vancouver Olympics mittens and a Lady Antebellum CD.



Also, I've applied for a part time position at our local library. The 1st interview went well and I know all the children's librarians since we are there so much. The 2nd interview is on Tuesday and I have to create (at least in theory) a children's program for 4th and 5th graders. I'm kind of an overachiever when it comes to stuff like this, so I'm basically driving myself crazy. This is the first time in forever that I've had to go up against other people for a job. Seriously almost 90% of my jobs were gotten through temp agencies or because I showed up. It's hard to think that I might not be "chosen". Then I have been checking out child care options in case I get the job. I've been home for 3 years now full time with my girls and before that I was finishing up my degree, so the girls were part time in care. So there's a little anxiety with that. We are taking this opportunity because our other house hasn't yet sold and we've held 2 mortgages for a year, and while we are doing it, it's a little bit stressful to watch our finances deplete. Also, I need something for when the kids start kindergarten in the fall. This is showing up a little early but thought I should at least try for the opportunity.

Then for Valentine's Day I died my hair blond for my hubby (as you might be able to tell from the Oprah picture. It's not exactly what I want it to look like, but the hair stylist said I had to do this first in order to even it out before I tried to go any more blond. Here's a honeymoon picture when I was REALLY blond.



So that's the two weeks in a nut shell.

Stay tuned....

Bowls, Earthquakes and Valentines Season

At the beginning of the year I put in my goals that I would take 2 weeks of vacation from the gym. This week was one of those week. I kind of took a break from reading and posting on my blog too, but I'm getting back into the groove. I will probably save my next vacation towards the holidays at the END of the year.

So first we had our Chili Bowl our church with lots of chili and cornbread and hotdogs. Then we had the Super Bowl...had a fabulous time at a friends house, except I just kept nibbling and nibbling wings and spinach dip and peanut m&m's.

Then it is Valentines Season, (at our house this means every day my husband gives me a small gift leading up to valentines day) and while my husband has been very good not to give me candy every day, there''s been a few days where I've gotten candy treats for part of Valentine's Season. Then there was our Valentine's Dinner Date, where I ate Veal in some super rich sauce that I seriously would have slurped the sauce up if I was alone but it would have been uncouth to do so at a fine dining establishment.

Oh, have I mentioned the earthquake? Yep, we felt it.. Wednesday, 3:59 AM. I woke up and asked my husband why our bed was shaking. It was a minor earthquake with an epicenter about 6 miles from our house, but seriously we didn't expect an earthquake in Illinois!!

So that's what has been going on. My vacation ends tomorrow, so I should be back to daily posting on Monday (with something different to tell you!)

I Was That Woman

Earlier today in Walmart the woman behind me had the following things:
1 package sugar coated donuts
1 package iced cinnabons
1 large baguette bread
2 boxes Philly steak meat

I will confess I've always been a "cart snoop". I always wondered what "normal" people ate, how and what they cooked.

When I saw what this woman had and then looked at her I was sad for her. Because she was overweight. I was sad because *I* used to be that woman. The one who checked out with more processed food than real food. Sugar laden treats were plentiful, fruits and veggies not so. I sometimes would make up some story at the register to make it look like I wasn't buying all that sugary stuff for myself. I would shop a little bit at a time so people wouldn't figure I was binging on the stuff. I always thought people would have disdain and embarrassment for me if they knew I was the one stuffing my face. Maybe they did, but maybe they weren't embarrassed by me, or making fun of me...maybe they were sad for me, too.

I know I may have misjudged the situation. Maybe she was bringing these treats to a church potluck or a Super Bowl Party tomorrow. If she had been even slightly overweight I might not have given it a second thought. But she was very overweight. Like I was and still am. And then I was so glad that I have started to make the right choices for my life and I hoped that she would soon figure out that there is more happiness in NOT eating crappy food than there is in actually eating it. I was that woman. And now I'm not. and I'm grateful.

Valentine's Season and What I'm Doing.

First Valentine's Season. Last year my husband instituted Valentine's Season. Basically, every day the week before Valentine's Day he gave me a card and a little small gift. A Box of Candy Hearts, Valentines Day pencils, Hersheys Kisses...etc. Nothing very grand, but it was the sweetest thing. Well, Valentine's Season is back and my husband is again putting all men to shame. It began yesterday with a package in the mail. It is an apricot colored Chef N Switchet Speader silicone Spatula. You are all probably scratching your heads thinking....THIS is a romantic cute gift? Well yes. I had asked for a sandwich spreader a while back for Christmas, but hubby hadn't found one by then. But he remembered and found one online! It's different than one I had been thinking of, but it's a cool orangey color and serves 2 purposes! I'm all for multipurpose stuff! Today's Valentine Season - valentine's themed pencils and a heart tissue banner for the house. It was so cute because K is incorporating the kids into it too! He is such a sweetie!

Ok, now for what I'm doing. I'm up to 46 *gasp* readers and I was thinking that I should review what I'm particularly doing to help me lose weight. This works for me but I make no guarantees it would work for anyone else.

First - I eat less and exercise more. I don't count calories, but I have a basic idea. I eat less fruit (no more than 2 a day) more veggies and proteins and less carbs. Again, I don't count how many. I just know vague amounts. I eat what my family eats for dinner. I just adjust the portions accordingly. Friday nights are pizza nights and I always eat 2 pieces of greasy, sausagy, pepperoni pizza. (and the leftover crusts of my kids) But I stop at 2. I generally eat a few scrambled eggs for breakfast and a piece of fruit. For lunch I have a turkey or ham wrap with lettuce and tomatoes, either with Miracle Whip or Avocado. I use Joseph's LAVASH flax flat breads which are only 100 calories for the whole huge wrap. I don't get sick of them. I've been eating them most every day for 6 months. For supper it's a variety, but it's what my family eats...usually sausage and spaghetti one night, chicken and corn another night, pork chops, hamburger. Nothing terrible restrictive. And I DON'T eat tofu.

I move more. I work out usually 5 times a week. I do spin a couple times of weeks, a weight class a couple times of week and a yoga/taichi class once a week. Sometimes I work out less, sometimes more. I always take classes because on my own, I know I won't push myself. Sometimes I take aqua aerobics.

I don't keep a running record of weekly pounds lost. I decided a while back that I will have weekly 2 lb goals which I can meet or not meet and I can always tell how far behind I am by whether I have met them or not. I only adjusted them once between Thanksgiving and Christmas because I had fallen so far behind it would not have been healthy for me to try to catch up. Either once or twice a month I update my actual weight but I don't keep track of lbs lost week to week. I don't do this because some weeks I might lose 4 lbs and another week I might lose 1 lb and it's possible that I might even gain. I didn't want to get caught in the trap of being disappointed with myself if I had a big loss one week and a small loss the next. And as a woman there is always that one week a month we hold more water. That's part of the reason I think I've failed so many times before. So this is a very solid stable way for me to gauge my loss without getting too caught up in numbers. Sometimes I'm ahead of my weekly goals, and sometimes behind but I always know where I am and where I'm supposed to be. I'm not saying keeping a weekly tally is bad, just that it doesn't work for me and plays too many tricks with my mind.

Have a Happy Day!

Nudies and Undies

First off - 253.5 - WOOHOO!! 36.5 lbs gone. Go me! (EDIT: I'm adding that overall, from my highest weight ever in 2006 I have lost 55 lbs but since August of 2009 when I started this blog and starting this particular journey I've lost 36.5)

So I took a new round of nudies the other day. I compared them with the October ones and they confirm that my weight is lost mostly in my face, my shoulders, my back and my boobs, maybe a little bit in my thighs. I will probably continue to do this every three or four months so I can really see where the differences are happening. I really recommend it for people to do. And it really isn't that depressing to look at them. I think it's help me become more accepting of my body and less ashamed of it.

As far as undies - I have had to throw away a whole bunch of too big undies. They just weren't working for me anymore. I probably should have thrown them away a while ago because they've been big for a while, but for whatever reason I did not do it. I'm nearly ready to throw away the next size too because they are kind of big. I have a whole box of size 9 cute undies (which are still a little bit too small) just waiting for me. I believe they stop making cute/sexy underwear that is reasonably priced at size 9. I think Kohl's had a sale a few years ago and I stocked up. I did wear a pair that was a little stretchier than the others the other day. It really made me happy. They are these funky red ones with bright swirls and flowers. Just wearing them made me feel more confident. Partly because of the size, but more so because I had girly pretty NORMAL undies on like other women wear.

Exercise is good...I pumped yesterday and did Body Flow today. Tomorrow is pump again.


Happy Day all around!!

I'm not Mad at You, Michelle Obama

I read an article this morning about how Michelle Obama has used the example of her own children to talk about childhood obesity in America. There has been a bit of outrage that she would speak about her children's weight to the American public and many have written that she has set her children up with an increased chance for eating disorders.

I, for one, think it is good to acknowledge it publicly and educate grownups on how they can effect their children. Really, what is better for her kids, that she acknowledge it, help them make better choices so they can live with less ridicule, or not talk about it and instead let the American public loudly gossip about how the Obama girls are getting chubby? (I for one do not think they are) One of my biggest gripes about my weight is why on earth did the adults in my life let it get so bad? Seriously, I was fat by the time I was 5. I weighed 200 lbs by high school. I wore polyester grandma pants because in the 70's and early 80's there were no cute, trendy plus sized junior clothes. Perhaps, somewhere if one of the adults in my life had spoken up, took the extra time to help me, then I wouldn't be battling the bulge today.

And really - these girls, for the next 20 years of their lives will be criticized by the media and the public, because of their hair, their makeup, the weight. I don't think their mother's comment that the doctor told her she needed to watch their BMI and make adjustments to their diet are going to cause an eating disorder. The ever watchful, ever criticizing American press might. With 1/3 of America's children overweight, it's time for parents to be honest about and with their kids. My self esteem is a lot worse now than it would have been if an adult had intervened on my behalf 30 years ago. There is far too much emphasis these days on self esteem over health, over education. Yes, I believe we need to love ourselves, but not at the expense of our mind and our bodies because I believe if those two things are nurtured, we would have no choice but to love ourselves.

Have a nice day!

The Body is an Amazing Thing

I picked up an anatomy book at the library today to try to familiarize myself a little bit more with all the parts and how they go together. The body is one crazy amazing thing, I tell you!! As I was looking at the pages about the abdomen with all it's muscles and nerves and all I said to my husband "How the heck do doctors know and remember all these things?" He says its from the years of training, however, I have my own theory. 9 out of 10 times when I go to the doctor with some type of pain in my stomach/chest/arm etc. They tell me it is stress related. Hmm..perhaps they don't know all these different parts of the body to correctly diagnose it. Perhaps I had pulled the Serratus anterior muscle or the Latissimus dorsi muscle. HA! Next time I'm going to ask! LOL.

It is mind boggling to look at an anatomy book and how our bodies are made up of so many intricate and complex things. This is why I believe in God the Creator. I cannot be convinced that such a perfect system with so many different parts was just pure happenstance. I only wish he had made it so it couldn't expand so much. :)

Tomorrow I should be going to Body Pump. I've slacked off in the weights department, so I'm making an effort to pump 2x a week at least. Hopefully 3.

Spun Dry

510 calories burnt - 21.0 miles in 55 minutes. I love spin.

My skin is dry. Too many showers - need to moisturize.

Resisted chocolate treats today at Bible Study. Yay me.

Eating well.

Up Hills Both Ways in 2 Feet of Snow!

Ok, so the snow wasn't that bad today, but I had to shovel in order to go to the fitness center today. There's something just wrong with that. I have to exercise in order to go exercise more? But I did it. I took Body Pump this morning before the kids tennis lessons. I've made it a point to put more weight on the barbell lately and today I even put my the barbell on my shoulders for squats and lunges because I kept telling myself "I have to protect my pre-arthritic knees". There's truth to that, but I think I tend to wimp out a bit in workouts because of worry. I did it and my knees don't even hurt. I can do more than that I think.

And here's the biggest fitness news of the week. I did a plank push up. That's right. On my toes. So maybe it's not that huge of an accomplishment, but to me it is. I nearly cried. I always tear up a bit when I exceed my expectations. It's a beautiful thing.

Hunger

Yesterday I was hungry. I hadn't felt that feeling in a LONG time. I did have breakfast - (a bowl of raisin bran) but not my usual protein laden eggs. By 10:30 my stomach was growling. Really growling - in the middle of church no less! So I didn't have that great of an afternoon. I ate a sandwich, then I ate cookies...and then some chips. Then we were running late for evening church and I had to be there to work in the nursery so as a way to get my kids moving we offered McDonald's - where I got an Angus Burger. Let me just say that Angus Burgers are way tastier than the other burgers. I only at a few fries and gave the rest to hubby. So, I did not have a very "clean" food day. I thought about only eating half the Angus Burger, but I have a problem "wasting money" more than wasting food. I had just paid $5.00 for that burger - I couldn't just eat half. (Well I could have, but then I would have felt bad for wasting the $5)

Lesson learned -Make sure to eat enough at breakfast (and protein) so I am NOT hungry by mid morning. It sets off bad habits.

Cardio Princesses

The trainer at the fitness center (that lost 200 lbs) has a term for the women who go every day and do the elliptical or run for 1 hour. They are the cardio princesses. They would never step into the testosterone filled area of weights (unless they were hitting on the muscle men!). While these women may build endurance, they aren't really building muscle or transforming their bodies. I am not a cardio princess, but I DO enjoy spinning. It burns calories and can be a tough workout for my legs if I choose it to be. Today I did 22 minutes of Spin and burned over 200 calories. My little mermaid had swimming lessons so I couldn't do the entire class. Normally I take Body Flow on Fridays, but my arms/chest/shoulders were too sore from yesterday that I needed to do a legs only cardio today. I will say I don't like to go to the weight area for a few reasons

A) I don't like being one of the only women among a bunch of men. I feel embarrassed because I think. "These poor men..the only woman they have to look at in the area is me"

B) I don't really know what I'm doing. Sure I've seen it done and read about it, and I take Body Pump, but free weights are a whole different story. How many reps, how many sets,what weight? What is it supposed to feel like?

C) It's so SLOW. I don't like breaks. I know you are supposed to have rests in between sets, but that's so BORING. And I don't know if it's okay to do crunches while I'm supposed to be resting. Can I walk a lap, or is that too long of a rest. How long is too long?

I do plan soon on meeting with a trainer for a 1 hour session to learn these things. I know that strength training is vital to my efforts, and vital if I don't want to look like a blob of melted marshmallow when I lose the weight.

Weigh in 256.6!! YAY! This is the lowest I've been since 2004!

Here's a comparison from October to Now

OCTOBER 10, 2009 JANUARY 29, 2010

Admiration

I'm an admirer. I admire looks and personality and ability and character and determination. I'm an admirer or all things good. Sometimes I get into a thought pattern which may not be that good about it though. I often hope some day someone will admire me in the ways I admire other people. It's not a pedestal thing. It's a true, honest, I wish I could be more like that thing. It's not claiming that someone is all around better, but that someone is better in that one thing that I admire. I like to tell people that I admire them too. The only time I ever felt admired was when we adopted our children and to be honest, I was rather annoyed by this admiration. I think mostly because loving is not a hard thing for me. It was not hard to love my children, to do what was best for them. After all, I didn't have that growing up. Maybe there was a bitter part in me because of that that wouldn't allow for any admiration. I was always closer to other people than my own family so it wasn't hard to love a non biological child. I think it always bothered me because these were always people I felt didn't love me enough. I don't know..right now I'm therapy typing...I digress.

But I want to be admired. I want to be a person that gets called for advice about something/anything. I want to be someone that others talk about it a great way. Is this totally self centric? Perhaps - well, yes. But I know how it is to be the one admiring. I guess I'd like to be the one admired someday. I admire my readers too for different things. Some of you have been with me from the beginning (August) and through your stories I have come to admire you. I might embarrass some of you, but I'm going to anyway, because I believe in encouraging people and letting them know what you think of them.

Leslie - I admire your commitment to sobriety and your children. Your love for them truly shows and for 18 years you have chosen to live in the present with them. It's amazing.

Patsy - I admire your dedication to squats. Seriously. AND more importantly your cheery disposition. I don't think I've ready many "Woe is me" posts from you.

Chris - I admire your "kick aS$" attitude. I wish I were a little more hard core like you! WHen I think of you, I think "ROCK ON!"

Sarah - I admire your faithfulness to your family and to church even when you have your own sickness.

Steph - I admire your eternal optimism and ability to not be jaded by all of us "sinful" people. (and your ability to play Barbies)

Kev - I admire your ability to put up with the emotional mess that I am. I might not be able to do the same if our roles were reversed. I love you.

There is always something to admire about people. Sometimes you have to look close, but it's there.

I need a Plan

I don't mean a weight loss plan because I have one of those...but I need a DAILY plan. What I am going to do from 7 AM until 10 PM, because honestly, the hours just roll together these past few days and I accomplish nothing apart from eating, blogging, talking on the phone and keeping up my Farm on Farmville. Hey that's 4 things! And I guess I do feed my children, get them dressed and read to them. So that's 7. And I did go to Bible study today...8. Okay so I get some things done, but not enough. Not nearly enough because I'm kind of bored. And when I'm like this I watch repeats of Grey's Anatomy on my computer and forget about the fitness center. I'm still eating fine and having great food days and I probably wouldn't feel so darn bored and tired if I got off my tush and went to the fitness center. I love my fitness center, but part of the problem is that there are classes almost all day, so I can just wake up and say "Today I'll go to...whatever at whatever time." But not having a succinct plan of what I'm doing on which days is a bit detrimental because I let other things determine my day BEFORE I plan on exercising rather than letting my exercise plan determine my day. So today, it was COLD. Brutally. And I hadn't decided what time I was going to exercise yet. Well...it was COLD. So I didn't plan. If I had planned first BEFORE I went outside, and found out about the cold, I might have gone. My brain is whacked...yes!

At Bible Study today they talked about commitment. The speaker said "True commitment is demonstrated by death to self and fruitfulness." While this was meant to be speaking about Jesus' death I really thought about it from a personal perspective. Death to self, meaning giving up what I want (ie chocolate chip cookies) for fruitfullness (weight loss). If I'm honest, I don't always have true commitment. I'm not always willing to give up or "die" to my bad behaviors or self for weight loss. Apparently I haven't been dying to self these last few days, as I've just bummed around the house. So am I committed? Maybe not enough. I want to lose weight. I AM losing weight. But I want to be TRULY committed. I need to be willing to radically alter my normal "lifestyle" so that I can lose the weight. I need to PLAN. True commitment for me, means making a plan.

My Plan for tomorrow: 9:15 Body Pump and 10:30 Body Flow

Why are you being so mean?

My 4 year old daughter asked me this today when I packed up and put away a bunch of toys that she refused to pick up. She's a dumper and somehow delights in dumping bins of toys in piles in the toy room. I am thankful for our toyroom that nooone can see this mess unless they are IN the room. So this morning I said they had until tennis lessons to pick it up OR I was going to pack up the stuff. My daughter says, (get this!) "Well, that's okay because then it will be less toys I have to pick up!" I gave them a lot more time than I said I would (mostly because I need to remember that they are 4 and NOT 14 sometimes) but finally about 2:30 (after plenty of warnings) I said it was time. And the screaming commenced. NO MOM, NO, NOT THAT TOY. I LOVE IT! For over an hour this continued until the room was clean, and 4 gallon size ziploc bags full of toys were put onto a high shelf for either use in the distant future or a yard sale... After it was all done, she says to me "Why are you being so mean?" I think I replied, "Well you are being mean to mommy too, by not cleaning up your toys and by screaming so much." and then it got so late that I missed my Spin Class which made me sad. So no work out AGAIN. (Last night the weather was bad).

But I probably need to ask myself that question. "Why am I being so mean to myself, so often?" Why do berate myself over and over for a mistake I made that I am now trying to fix. Why do I call myself fat and ugly and stupid and worthless so much? Why do I think I am a terrible wife, friend, mother, all the time? Why am I so mean to myself when I have a slip, eat too much, not go to the gym. I'm dedicated (not nearly as much as Jack Sh*t getting fit!, but still!) to the journey so why do I beat myself up so badly for small mistakes? Are you mean to yourself? Maybe we should be nicer. Give ourselves consequences but then move on. I'm sure my children will dump their toys again another day. And they will have consequences, but I forgive and move on and don't hold it against them. I don't love them less because they scream at me that I'm mean. Maybe I need to treat myself more like that. Maybe I need to love myself more.

So as I tell my kids ALL the time! STOP being so mean!!!

When you Put it Like That...

I've been bemoaning since the beginning how I've lost a lot of weight from my upper body and not much from my lower body. However, I've recently read an article that suggested (I haven't found any "medical" or "scientific" articles about it yet) that we lose weight first from the last place we gained it. This would make absolute sense to me. My face and upper body were the last places I gained weight for certain. I was starting to move up into 3x shirts (thankfully now I'm near to a 1x on a good day). Meanwhile I've been in a size 24 jeans it seems forever. (even when I was almost 300 lbs I could squeeze into a size 24. I'm 40 lbs less and still wear the same pants size. This makes me feel a little bit better and realize that (hopefully - if this is correct), soon I will start to lose from my mid section. I'm posting a picture when I was about 300 lbs and how big my top really was...I hate it, but it's a good reminder. (aren't my babies cute!?)

So I'll spin later today..eating so far so good. Last night I allowed myself a piece of chocolate cake at a reception for one of our missionaries. He's been working in South Africa for the last year. Truth be told, I really didn't enjoy the cake. Not that it wasn't good, but I think that I'm just not used to that much sugar any more. It didn't make me happy. So then I chose to eat carrots and celery. (even when there were other sweets). I'm kind of proud of myself.

My Blog Makes Me Happy

I love my blog. The layout. The bright colors. It is a general representation of my cheery disposition on most days. Sometimes I leave it open all day on my computer because the colors make me happy. I most likely will not be changing it for a long time. For my long time readers, they endured a month or two where I would change it every couple weeks!

Still doing well with food. Today I am snacking a bit, but I still think I'll be in a low calorie range...let's see...500 breakfast... 300 calories lunch....500 calories snacks...and probably a 300-400 calorie dinner. 1600 calories is pretty good. Normally I do NOT eat 500 calories in snacks...but I wanted cookies today. And celery with peanut butter. I often wonder who came up with the idea of dipping celery in peanut butter? I LOVE IT!

Oh and here's the most fun news of the day. I'm going to a taping of the Oprah Winfrey show!! February 19th I'll be heading into the city to an early morning taping. I won't know the topic, but my friend and I are hoping it is not something like child abductions! Maybe it will be Dr. Oz! Who knows? Maybe I'll come away with lots of freebees!

Have a great night!

Do I REALLY need/want a workout buddy?

I have often thought, in jealousy of others in my classes, that I need a workout buddy. Just think, I'd have someone to motivate me, sweat with me, complain with me... I only know a handful of people at our fitness center and none of them work out in the same classes with me consistently.

Today, I had a friend meet me to workout. We were going to play tennis, but could only get an early court time so she agreed to do BodyFlow with me. I was a little excited, even though this friend and I have unresolved issues about something that happened in November (visit my archives to hear more on this), because it is the first person I have exercised with at the fitness center. This friend and I used to do water aerobics together a lot before I moved to my current home, so it's not the first time I've ever worked out with someone, but I was still a little happy.

After though I was kind of meh about the whole thing. I mean, we couldn't really converse or anything during class and then it was over and then we showered and after chatting a bit went our separate ways. She really isn't an active exerciser, although she plays volleyball for fun in a league. I think though, that I might just be selfish about the whole workout thing, and I'm okay with that. I mean, workout time is MY time. Time away from the kids to work on ME, doing the things I want to do, having free mental space. Maybe adding a friend into it would change that. I'm always happy to run into people I know at the fitness center but perhaps its best if I just say hi and workout on my own.

Off to the movies with hubby! Babysitter just arrived!

It's All Good

My sister in law has a habit of saying this ALOT. It really can be an appropriate response for a lot... I've had a great day - It's all good! or I messed up...it's okay, it's all good!

Today it's a little bit of both. I am still feeling good (except the monthly annoyance). Day 3 of being good with eating and drinking water. I worked out this morning at BodyFlow and then used my free weights while watching the Tale of Despereaux with the kids.

My weigh in was not super. Thankfully I don't have to erase an "ACHIEVED" I will say that I have been weighing in before eating anything on Fridays but today I had breakfast and a big glass of water. Plus I have TOM and so I didn't expect much. I was below the 260's so I'm happy. So I either lost nothing or gained a small portion. Either way, It's ALL good.

A blog I read was talking about how even after you lose the weight, your mental state doesn't immediately fix itself. You are still the person who "used to be fat". You will always be that. It's kind of depressing because somewhere in our psyche I think we believe that once we get thin it will be like having a brand new life. People who don't know us will treat us better and look at us more (also spoken about in a blog I read) but those who do...well I wonder how long it would take people to forget about the "fat" part. I'm not too worried about that now, but I know I need to make sure to train my mind not to expect people to forget how fat I was for the entirety of my life in an instant just because I lost weight.

Still loving life today...because It's ALL good.

Help! My boobs are shrinking!!

Hah! Made you laugh! Seriously though, it's true. I got dressed to go out tonight and I looked at my shirt and it looked like my bra was not doing its job, if you know what I mean. Turns out it really was just extra fabric that had no place to go except to make a bump in the front of my shirt. Eek! You know I gripe that they make plus sized bras with too much fabric to begin with, but this is just crazy.

I've had another spot on day, including a killer spin class. I haven't sweated so much since I visited Tampa Florida years ago on a hot and humid August. I've even been great with water today, something I've been a little lax on lately.

AND I did get TOM, so my psychotic behavior of hating everyone and everything was somewhat justified. This is just one of the positive things. I have had regular cycles since I started this journey in August. Long ones, but regular, nevertheless. I have NEVER had regular cycles since I've gotten TOM so this is amazing to me.

I'm in a happy, life loving mood today!

A Perfect Day

I've had a pretty perfect day.

I woke up on my own without the sound of two arguing children over who gets to snuggle on which side of me (one was still sleeping - one watching TV)

I went to Bible study. This week's thought: Don't equate Jesus' love for you with your circumstances.

I ate absolutely within my guidelines with no extra snacking

I did not feel the urge to yell at my children. (They still got in trouble for stuff, but I was able to be calm. This often equates to my eating and sugar intake I believe.

I worked out with Body Pump at the Fitness Center. There was a sub and it was Therese! Therese was the very first instructor I had of Body Flow and I just love her. I don't know why, we haven't had a lot of conversations and I haven't had a class of hers in ages but she remembers me. I think it was the way she was very encouraging to me especially since I am very overweight trying to do yoga positions that even thin people have trouble doing sometimes! Anyway, it just made my night. I think I even worked a little harder than usual!

The only down thing...my knee still hurts...I think it might be time for a visit to the ortho again. NOT the last one I went to who told me I shouldn't pick up my children, I should have gastric bypass and I should sell my just purchased house to buy a ranch. I won't be going back to him. EVER.

Losing Muscle? WTF?

Okay...if you don't know what WTF is, I won't tell you, but it's the response I thought when I learned today that I have lost almost one lb of lean muscle mass. I've lost 29 lbs of fat but not gained any muscle? How is this possible? How have I LOST muscle with the cycling and yoga and body pump and swim? UGH... I went to get some body fat analysis to help keep me motivated and while i have lost almost 5% of body fat since I started I still don't get how I have not gained muscle!

The trainer said that I might be able to do the things I couldn't before (like plank positions and pushups) because I weigh less, not because of gained muscle. *SIGH* I mean it's all good to have lost 30 lbs, but I really really thought I had gained muscle. Oh well. Off to celebrate one of my bestest friends birthdays!!!

The Old Days...

Ugh. Argh. Grrr..

Can you guess what type of mood I'm in. I'm hoping it is only PMS and I'll feel better once it starts, but seriously I hate everything and everyone. I have anxiety attacks as my children loudly and joyfully play in the house because it's just too loud and overstimulating. I had a free two hours today as my kids went to a birthday party. I did some errands ...one of which was to a lovely little bakery run by French nuns where I got chocolate croissants. I feel like garbage right now.

If I ate better today and yesterday would I feel better? Probably yes. But I just have issues. Well, we ALL have issues, don't we? Today is my stinky brother's birthday and I have not called. This is hard for me because I ALWAYS do the "expected" thing. But seriously, for my birthday I got a late in the day Happy Birthday message on Facebook from him. We said 3 sentences to each other at Thanksgiving and he still hasn't mailed his nieces Christmas presents because he just forgot about it. Ahh...maybe if I could be just a bit like that and just forget people...

Hubby and I got into some big issues this weekend too...again probably not the best timing if it is PMS. He's stressed about the other house. I guess I'm cavalier about the things that are upsetting to him and he's cavalier about the things that upset me, like relationships. Balance really, but sometimes it's annoying.

Tomorrow is another day, always fresh with no mistakes in it.

It is what it is...

I know my title today sounds like this is going to be a depressing post about my weigh in today, but it's not. I'm at 258.9 which is better than my goal for this week by one pound! Seriously, it could have been better without my indiscretions of cookies and honey buns and cheetos, but I'm satisfied to not have gained. This also means I am finally out of the 260's! and my total loss since August is 31.1 lbs. Not terrible.

We met a few days ago with a financial advisor who after hearing our woes of having 2 mortgages for the last year just calmly approached it with the "It is what it is" philosophy. No second guessing, no looking back, just looking at where we can go from here and what we can do to better our financial future.

I need a better grasp on this philosophy and I think a lot of people in the same boat probably do too! I think if I could just accept that this weight I have now is what it is and stop being depressed about it and instead just focus completely (without judgement or second guessing) on what I can do to better my physical future. Simple concept, not always simple execution.

It is what it is....What will it be tomorrow?

White Outside, Blue Inside

I haven't posted in a few days. I haven't had anything awful to report, thankfully, but nothing super great to report either. I've been to spin class 2 days this week. I don't remember what I did Monday. I've been in a blue mood, so I'm generally not inspired to write. The last couple of days I've been catching up on reading and commenting on blogs. I usually always read, but don't always comment, so I've been trying to do that so I can be as encouraging to others as they are to me.

Nothing wrong per se... always dealing with the sadness of my upbringing. A cousin of mine posted a picture of when she and I were babies, she 1, me probably 2 1/2. I have no pictures of me at this age. Apparently, when my mother left she took all those pictures. And my dad didn't really take many. I need to ask my aunts to send some to me. Then I won't have to be sad about it.

Also, we are trying to make the HUGE decision of whether to grow our family. For months we have thought that we would start to try in March. Well now that March is close, I guess I'm getting cold feet about it. Because of growing up most of my life without a mother and not having that model, good or bad, I feel like I'm flying blind while parenting. I take a little advice from here and there, use my instincts and pray to God I am not screwing up my kids. I put a lot of pressure on myself that probably doesn't need to be there. I mean just today I watched a movie with the kids, read them about 6-8 childrens books, played a game of Twister, did some lessons on spelling 3 letter words and went on a drive. The craziness says I need to play more games, do more things with them. Like I could spend every second doing things with thm and it wasn't enough. I think it must be like those stories you hear when kids aren't fed much in a bad family, and in the foster family they gorge themselves and horde food. I think maybe because I didn't have all this attention growing up that I stress about giving my kids enough. Somedays I probably give them too much!!! There are days that I burn out and give them little and plop them in front of the TV. That was my life everyday as a kid. Like everything, I know it's about balance.

So that, plus the idea that gaining weight after trying to lose it would be quite annoying and then kind of setting the clock back another 5 years. (The twins will be 5 in June). Hubby is 40 and I'm 35 so we have a little time yet, but ... oh...I don't know.

Anyhow...we'll see what the weigh in tomorrow is...I don't expect much either way, but it could be a little either way. :) Have a great day!

Stocked Up

I am feeling a bit more clear headed today although my knee still hurts a tad. I am trying to decide what is the best course of exercise today.

I realized too that yesterday we were low on food choices since I try to grocery shop on Mondays and I'm trying to be more frugal and use up what we have. I tend to buy a lot and then it sits on the shelves. So we've been eating what's available. Thankfully, for the most part, what was available are things I won't binge on, like Tuna Fish and soup. But I got a snacking urge and had no good food to choose from. All's well today since the first thing this morning we headed out for groceries. I need to be aware when the cupboards need stocking to prevent future incidents of body destruction via food. My favorite snacking items? Fruit (although I am trying to not have more than 2 a day), Fiber One Bars - (The Walmart brand is good too) and sometimes crackers or pretzels. I'm pretty simplistic.

Having an official weigh in day is a little hard for me. I'm still checking at home, but I live in this fear that when Friday rolls around it is going to be more. Completely bogus thinking for sure, but that's my brain.

Have a great day!

Feeding a Cold

I know this really doesn't work, but somewhere it is hidden in my psyche...to fight a cold, eat! So today has not been very good food wise. I'm stuffed up, didn't sleep well last night and just felt that eating would help make it better. It's hard to explain that my emotions weren't completely tied up in it....it was more of a mechanical response that I realized was happening but really didn't think I should try to stop it. Of course I didn't feel any better after those cookies.... I need to reprogram this part of my brain. I don't get sick very often, so I'm not surprised that I haven't thought about my response when this happens.

On top of the cold, I woke up with a very sore knee. It was kneecap pain which takes me by surprise because I didn't hit the knee at all yesterday. It could be the cold and change from moist air to super dry air. It could be the squats or jumping jacks from the 30 day shred. I don't know. I just don't like it! I know some of my readers are dealing with a lot more severe pain then what I've got, and I don't want to be a cry baby. Just really don't want a determent.

Hopefully tomorrow I feel better.

30 Day Shred

I like successful Biggest Loser stories. I figure Jillian Michaels and Bob...whatever his last name is, must be pretty decent at their jobs since these folks are losing lots of poundage. So I decided to check out the 30 Day Shred from Netflix. Most people who bought it on Amazon.com gave it good reviews. It's a 20 minutes work out incorporating, cardio/abs/weights.

It was pretty good. My darling hubby did it with me and concurred that it was a good workout. He distracted me quite a bit throughout the workout and made me laugh alot, so I probably could have worked out a little bit harder. I realize how much I know about exercise talk and proper form of lunges, squats and different moves. Hubby has never taken a class so the fundamentals were a little rough for him. I love him for trying it with me though!

My eating has been very good today. Last night we had dinner with friends and I had lasagna and bread and ice cream and a brownie for desert. There's a good feeling when you don't stress over one meal because you have eaten very many good meals in a row. When I'm struggling to stay on a good plan one more bad meal is cause for stress, but when I've been doing exceptionally well, I have the wherewithal to say "It's just one meal and it won't sabotage me" and it doesn't. Healthy Mind/Healthy Body.

I did my measurements today. I thought I had done the measurements when I started, but I don't have them anywhere on the blog. I'll have to look through my papers somewhere. We'll see where the weight goes from now on.

Breathing Through My Toes and Other Absurdities

I love my BodyFlow class...(except the name) and the last 10 minutes of each class is relaxation and meditation lying down, eyes closed, deep breathing. The instructor always reads through this meditation guide talking about letting go and breathing deep. She was reading a new one today that said "concentrate on your toes, let go of tension. Now take a deep breath and breath out through your toes." These things make me laugh. Maybe I just don't get it or don't have a good enough connection with my "inner being".. I don't know. This goes along with lifting the crown of my head. I just don't know how to do it.

Initially today I was going to write about the pros and cons of exercise. (REALLY!) It started because I was folding laundry first thing and it was most of my work out clothes. So I thought about the cons:

1. Laundry - I am thankful we have towel service at our fitness center. Otherwise the excess laundry would probably really deter me.

2. Sweat - I do not love being sweaty. I am enjoying it more these days, but generally I don't like to be hot. Our bedroom is at a very comfy 64 degrees all year round. (my husband sleeps with 3 blankets in July!

3. Time - I have time, so maybe its not really that but rather the EXTRA time it takes me to get the kids ready to go to the fitness center, make sure they go potty, that they have socks and shoes or shoes if they are wearing boots. Then signing them in, signing them out, listening to the whining that I took too long/not long enough and "Mom, can I pleeeeeeease have a snack from the snack bar, pleeeeeeease!?"

4. Pain/Soreness - Seriously, who really likes pain? I've grown accustomed to it after grueling workouts, but I could do with out it.

5. Dry Skin. Yes I blame exercise. Because it makes me sweaty, which makes me have to shower alot, which dries out my skin more than it already is. I could take cooler showers to help with this, but that's not going to happen.

Okay Okay so there are my cons. Don't worry I'm not going to stop exercising....The pros are better:

1. Weight Loss
2. Muscle Strength
3. Increased Endurance
4. Endorphins
5. Flexibility
6. Lower Blood Pressure
7. Lower Cholesterol
8. Better Body Tone
9. Break from the kids
10. Sauna/Steam Room

There are more....but already it is double the cons.

So official Friday weigh in....260.8! YIPPEE!

You're Fired!!

No, I don't watch the Apprentice, but today I fired our real estate agent. Our 'other' house has been on the market for over a year and has not sold despite numerous price decreases. We just felt our realtor was not terribly concerned about selling our house, but since we've been paying two mortgages for a year, we really need to get rid of it!!! I love our house now, so I don't care so much about the loss we take in a declining market. I just want to stop writing two big checks every month.

Surprisingly this event has not caused me to binge eat. Most people would be stressed to the max with this situation, but I'm so ho-hum about it. My theory is: If I have money, great, if I don't - oh well! I'm the type of person who hates the "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" question in interviews. I really would like to say someday. "Look in 5 days I might be working for you, and maybe still in 5 months, but in 5 years I could be on a yacht in the Mediterranean, drinking umbrella drinks under the sun." My point - I don't have a 5 - year plan. I generally don't have a 5 day plan. I might have a 5 minute plan. Like, in 5 minutes I might put laundry in. But that's really as far as it goes. Some might think my lack of planning won't help in my weight loss efforts and we'll see, but I know that I'm happier when I'm succeeded slowly than when I'm trying to make my "plan". My goals: To feel normal, to experience as much as this world can offer me and hopefully become healthy enough to do it!

So a 5 year plan really doesn't work for me. I've never had the same job for 5 years. I do administrative work, but in many different industries: investment banks, malls, accounting firms, violin shop, furniture store, college. Same stuff but different environments. I get too bored to stay one place for a long time. At a certain point I've gotten to a place where the learning curve stopped..then I've had to move on. I guess my answer to that 5 year question would be "I plan on staying here until I've learned everything I can from your company, and then move on."

So I guess in terms of weight loss: "I plan on working on my body until I've done everything I can to make it healthy, and then I will find a new journey"

Better Not Bitter

I got an interesting thing to think about at bible study today. The teacher challenged us to think about whether we are bitter about our circumstances or trying to better our circumstances. I can honestly say that I have been very bitter about life circumstances, including my weight. I've blamed many things/people for my current state of life and haven't until recently tried to better the circumstances. I need to remember this challenge daily and ask myself when things come up if I'm being bitter or trying to make it better. My weight loss now is about trying to make it better. I guess it's about letting go and moving forward.

I am surprising mobile today. I was a bit sore this morning when I woke up, but I've bounced back pretty quickly. I'm planning on resting today, maybe doing a workout video later tonight. It is supposed to snow a lot tonight, so I'm not sure if I'll be able to workout at the fitness center tomorrow :(.

Something I've noticed. I wonder if because I've stopped eating so much garbage, I've set my body/taste buds to a different setting. Lately I've wanted to add salt to things like pasta and celery, tomato sauce... I have not wanted to add salt to anything since, well, ever. I even like to eat NO salt chips. Perhaps by eating such garbage for so long I didn't want salt because my body was getting a lot of it through the crappy food...I don't know, just a theory. All I know is that it is something I have not wanted to do in decades.

I'm excited to weigh in on Friday because I think it's going to be a good one. (at least this morning looked good on our house scale). I'm starting an official Friday weigh in to help me know exactly what I'm doing. I'm trying not to weigh every day. I skip days here and there, just to STOP THE INSANITY (as Susan Powter used to say or still says...I don't know, she scares me!)

Body Tired

Heh. Since we have Body Pump, Body Flow, Body Jam, etc, at our fitness center...I am Body Tired after taking two classes in a row.

I don't know the last time my body was this, well...tired. You know the feeling when the thought of even lifting a pencil is too much? I'm barely squeaking out this post and probably wouldn't except I can rest my wrists on the laptop and my arms on the table. I ate a little supper (like a handful of pasta) and I don't even have energy to eat. That is Body Tired.

I normally don't do two classes back to back. I felt like pushing myself today and since hubby had bible study after work, I needed a break from the kiddos. AND my favorite Kiersten was teaching two classes in a row. If she can do it... (hah, that's how my brain works) well..she's trained herself to do it.

I'm 5/5 this year with the workouts. I may need a break tomorrow, we'll see how my body feels.

Free to Be Me

4 days into 2010 and I've worked out each day (well I'll be working out later for today, but it WILL happen) Yay me.

I used to love a good challenge. I'm VERY competitive by nature and probably a few years ago if I was given a Perfect 10 challenge (the one many bloggers are doing) I would have jumped on it! I've changed though. I think I've realized that competitive stuff makes me psychotic. Seriously, if the scale won't move, I won't eat and inevitably screw up my metabolism. For those that have control of their competitive psyche - WAY TO GO! I'm not there. I cheer you on whole heartedly though.

I'm also changed where I am no longer a bandwagon person. I've turned into the rebel. I mentioned on a comment that when all my friends bought a Honda Odyssey, I specifically refused to look at them because I didn't want to be like everyone else. We own a Toyota Sienna. We live in a land of vast subdivisions and we tried living in one and HATED it, so now we live out in the country on an acre in a very unique home. Everyone started giving gift bags and gift cards, I bought presents and wrapped them in paper. I think this might have occurred in my early 20's when I lived with a very good friend for a year. We lived together, had gone to the same college, worked the same job, had the same friends, went to the same church. I think there was a moment that I didn't know where she ended and I began. I still don't think I know exactly who I am, but I know for sure I'm not living someone else's life. I think there is a balance between wanting to feel normal (which is really my ultimate goal here) and wanting to be like everyone else. I think it's knowing your own tastes and not swaying from them even if the majority doesn't go along with it. I'm still learning...I hope to always be learning.

I wrote a poem when I was a freshman in high school - 1988 called Free to Be Me. If I find the whole thing I'll post it, but what I remember from it, I think 22 years later it still is relevent to me:

I have my own thoughts, feelings and dreams
But everyone's trying to change me, it seems.
I'm not what you want, I will never be
For I am my own, and I choose to be me.

A New Year a New You!

I'm not terribly fond of this saying. It implies promises that may not be met. Even if I lose this weight, I could be the same me. Me, just skinnier. And I don't want to be entirely a NEW person. I hope that some things change (like my self esteem) but generally I'm a decent person and don't need to be entirely new.


I think people out here in the midwest don't believe in any holiday except Christmas. The fitness center was open yesterday and I went expecting maybe a couple of people in the class...maybe even just me. After all, it was the day after New Year's Eve....While it wasn't a packed class there were still maybe 10-12 people in the class I was in and there were other classes going on at the same time. I guess these people are starting the New Year's Off right, with a workout. I know I was happy to have done it. I took Body FLow, which I haven't done in a while. I still like it (especially the 10 minutes of relaxation at the end!) and I'm somewhat excited to stay that I can stay in plank position (like a real pushup) for a little bit - (Something i was NOT able to do 5 months ago. I'll have to try an actual plank pushup one of these days, instead of on my knees.

I'll do a cycle class in about an hour. (UPDATE) - I went to do a cycle class and it was FULL! Darn these people with new years resolutions!! Instead I did 10 minutes on a cycle 10 minutes on an elliptical and walked the track for 20 minutes. All in all it was about 4 miles. 2 workouts down for the year.

I've been thinking about something else...about my Christmas miracle that I did not gain weight this month. I attribute some of this to the fact that I decided to eat "like a normal person" throughout this process. Meaning sometimes I eat a candy bar....sometimes I go out to eat and eat something not entirely healthy. So I've lost slower...and I haven't gained it back. If I had done any other program I would have gained it back. I've gained 12 lbs in a month on WW before when I didn't follow the plan. So while my eating is not exactly a "Diet", rather making good choices" it is working to not only lose weight but making my body healthy so it doesn't regain it. Anyhow, that's my story...and I'm sticking to it!

Happy 01/02/2010