I am tired. I don't feel I've quite caught up from the last few weeks. I had two weekends away, then daylight savings time, then this last trip where we lost another hour traveling east and making it back up coming home. I think my whole internal clock is confused.
So last night I woke up to scratching on the wall of my bedroom. I got up and looked out the window to see this huge animal on our house. It was a raccoon! It kept walking back and forth. Jumping down to our deck and back up to the overhang at our bedroom and back to the roof. At one point my husband and I knocked on the window to try to scare it to jumping off the house. Instead it came right up to the window and peaked in!! I was face to face with my enemy! (It actually was kind of a cute enemy)
Depression is not a cute enemy. Trying to go face to face with it,I did go to spin class yesterday. And then ate Oreos. I did not eat breakfast, but at oreos for lunch. I read books to help me be better but then they make me sad. I wish I was more like my husband. He has accomplished things he wanted to accomplish in life, he generally doesn't care what other people think about him and he is just laid back. I am the opposite, in all ways. We truly do balance because we are complete extremes. Facing the enemy is hard. Sometimes the enemy is myself. And I'm battling different enemies within myself a lot.
Today I realized why I get so upset when my kids make such a cluttered mess with their toys. Normally I get angry with them, but part of my learning about not punishing others for things that happened to me in my life brings questions to my mind. When I was about to blow my stack today for complete destruction of our family room while they were building a fort to play in, the thought came to my mind. "You are not angry with them, but you are angry because you grew up in clutter to the point where you had to stay out of your house for days while your family cleaned the house. And then you had DCFS visiting you in school asking you about your life and your Dad and you were afraid they were going to take you away. You were so happy to return home to a beautiful clean house, only for it to be dirtied and cluttered again so quickly." I took a deep breath and I told the girls, they could make a fort, but I would help them make it so they were not completely destroying the house. Stuff like this is my daily enemy that I have to go face to face with every day.
I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned it, but in high school I went to counseling once a week for a while. The counselor told me that despite my circumstances she was very impressed that my only "vice" was my weight. She was actually impressed! I was smart, had friends, did well in school, liked to read, volunteered, went to church. I was not on drugs or promiscuous or pregnant or a runaway. I'm fighting memories all day long, every day. I want so much to be a better person, physically, emotionally and spiritually. But it is hard. VERY hard. And for those who say "just get over it"...I'd like them to tell me how. Specifically...a step by step process. Because it ain't that easy.
Oh Spring, where art thou!?
3 weeks ago