I love sunrises. They may not be as beautiful as sunsets can be, but I love the hope and promise that a sun bursting out can bring for the day. Suns setting signal the end of something, while sun rises signal the beginning. A fresh day, a fresh start. Fresh hope.
I have a friend whose girlfriend has also had a difficult upbringing. Whose parents weren't the affirming, encouraging folks we all long to have. But she and I are different as night and day. While I find hope in each new day, a chance for redemption, she only sees the sorrow and hurt. She wonders how God could love her if he allowed those things in her life. She is miserable. On the outside she is a strong woman who has had a book published, who has worked in government circles, who even attended one of the inaugural balls for President Bush! Plus she's dating one of my very best friends but yet she feels God hates her and there is nothing good in her life. She's REALLY stuck. She gets through each day with no hope.
Now, I have had those feelings on occasion and I do murk through emotions about my upbringing on a daily basis usually, but when I look at life I do see blessings and hope and opportunity. I see love. This weight is my own prison of my own doing and I bear the brunt of the blame for it. And maybe, as Chris (A Deliberate Life) says when I deal with all of that stuff, get it all out there - because there is a lot that is still not out there) the weight will come off. I won't need to look to food.
Yesterday I went to a friends house for lunch. I brought a bag of potato chips with me. At one point in the meal the conversation went something like this..
Friend: Thanks for bringing the chips.
Me: No problem, I want to make sure you'll stay my friend (truth masked in humor)
Friend: Did you just say that? You don't really think that do you?
Me: Well I just want to make sure.
It's not the exact wording...but my friend called me out on it. And it was really the most wonderful thing. Because she knows me and isn't afraid to tell me when I'm lying to myself and correct it. I do have fear. Fear that today's friend won't care about me tomorrow. It has happened. It makes me nervous to trust people. So sometimes, subconsciously I think things like "If I bring the chips they will like me". Thank you friend, for loving me even if I don't bring the chips. And for giving me hope which is helping me heal.
On my own
4 weeks ago