Thursday, January 14, 2010

White Outside, Blue Inside

I haven't posted in a few days. I haven't had anything awful to report, thankfully, but nothing super great to report either. I've been to spin class 2 days this week. I don't remember what I did Monday. I've been in a blue mood, so I'm generally not inspired to write. The last couple of days I've been catching up on reading and commenting on blogs. I usually always read, but don't always comment, so I've been trying to do that so I can be as encouraging to others as they are to me.

Nothing wrong per se... always dealing with the sadness of my upbringing. A cousin of mine posted a picture of when she and I were babies, she 1, me probably 2 1/2. I have no pictures of me at this age. Apparently, when my mother left she took all those pictures. And my dad didn't really take many. I need to ask my aunts to send some to me. Then I won't have to be sad about it.

Also, we are trying to make the HUGE decision of whether to grow our family. For months we have thought that we would start to try in March. Well now that March is close, I guess I'm getting cold feet about it. Because of growing up most of my life without a mother and not having that model, good or bad, I feel like I'm flying blind while parenting. I take a little advice from here and there, use my instincts and pray to God I am not screwing up my kids. I put a lot of pressure on myself that probably doesn't need to be there. I mean just today I watched a movie with the kids, read them about 6-8 childrens books, played a game of Twister, did some lessons on spelling 3 letter words and went on a drive. The craziness says I need to play more games, do more things with them. Like I could spend every second doing things with thm and it wasn't enough. I think it must be like those stories you hear when kids aren't fed much in a bad family, and in the foster family they gorge themselves and horde food. I think maybe because I didn't have all this attention growing up that I stress about giving my kids enough. Somedays I probably give them too much!!! There are days that I burn out and give them little and plop them in front of the TV. That was my life everyday as a kid. Like everything, I know it's about balance.

So that, plus the idea that gaining weight after trying to lose it would be quite annoying and then kind of setting the clock back another 5 years. (The twins will be 5 in June). Hubby is 40 and I'm 35 so we have a little time yet, but ... oh...I don't know.

Anyhow...we'll see what the weigh in tomorrow is...I don't expect much either way, but it could be a little either way. :) Have a great day!


  1. Hi Jodie - Good to hear from you - I was missing you. That's a big decision about having another child - wish I could give you some sage advice, but you and your husband will come to your truth over time. One thing I always say is to trust your gut and listen to the still voice within. Hope you have good results with the scale tomorrow, and I hope I do too!

  2. I think the most important thing you ever give your children is love, and you've got that down perfectly. That's what they'll remember, how much they were loved.

  3. I'm so sorry you had to grow up like that. You sound like your a wonderful mother and your children are very blessed to have you :)

  4. You're doing great Jodi, the fact that you care is something amazing in itself. If there were more mothers who would simply care, the world would be a better place.

  5. I know just where your coming, my mom was the opposite.
    she stayed and stuck it out. But the home I grew up in for the first 12 years was violent, angry and with a lot of marriages and remarriages.
    I knew how to take caae of me.
    I also knew what I wanted and didn't.
    I took everything that should have happened to me growing up and I did that.
    That is all anyone can do.
    I stay married, gave my kids a quiet, stable home.
    I homeschooled. I read to them. I listened an paid attention.
    A child would be lucky to come up in your house.
    You are a good mom, and people who are good parents need to have more kids.
    Good luck in your decision making.

  6. Hey Jodie,
    I know the feelings of ambivalence about growing the family--I'm having the same issues. I'll be 34 this year, so I'm starting to feel the biological clock ticking. I really would love the experience of having another baby around, but I'm just not sure if I want to go back to that stage--it's been 6 years for me--and I'm not sure I want to go through all the postpartum depression and stuff I went through with my other pregnancies (not to mention that my doctors consider another pregnancy to be very ill-advised). It's a very tough decision, I know, and with the issues you have from your past, it must be very hard to know what to do. BUT--you sound like an amazing mom. Cut yourself some slack, and know that we all second-guess ourselves all the time. I think it's just a part of motherhood. *HUGS*