My 100th Post to end the year!!

Happy New Year's Eve. How fun that my very last post of 2009 is the 100th post. TV shows go all out for the 100th episode...how can I go all out here? Hmmm...

I am now in possession of 2 LIVE lobsters that I will murder later tonight. How's that for exciting?

I weighed today before spin class (even though I said I wasn't going to until New Years) and it was 263.8. This means by some miracle I did not gain any weight during the chow fest that was the last month! Miracle!

I have a fat lip. While choosing the lobsters to murder, my daughter got so excited she jumped up and down, succesfully hitting her head into my chin which caused my teeth to go through my lip. Blood happened and I ended up walking around the grocery store with a bag of ice on my lips. Thankfully it didn't bleed too much! The swelling went down, but what a mishap!!

So there is my 100th post - Murder, Miracles and Mishaps! That's pretty darn exciting!

I hope everyone has a safe and happy beginning to 20-10!

New Years Resolutions

I always make 'em and I always break 'em. Maybe my 1st resolution should be to KEEP my resolutions!

Okay, here are some, in no particular order:

Read 20 pages of an actual, honest to goodness, hardback/paperback book every day.

Stay within our newly established budget.

Workout 5 days per week with 3 weeks of vacation. (Hey, why not treat it like a job!)

Eat less fruit. (okay - really it's eat less bananas).

To be in "one"derland on 1/1/11. (appropriate - don't you think?)


All are doable. All require strong resolve. I'm optimistic...or will be until next holiday season rolls around. Maybe that needs to be a resolution too...learn to deal with holiday stress and depression better....

I have 31 followers now! This is truly amazing to me. Thank you for reading and commenting and helping to keep me motivated! Happy New Year. I'm looking forward to reading others resolutions for 2010!

The Fitness Craze(iness)

So it seems that everyone in our town has decided to shed some holiday pounds. The fitness center has been packed the last few days. I know part of it is due to school vacation and people being home, but seriously it has been nuts. 9:15 spin class yesterday they had to kick someone out because they hadn't signed up for a ticket. There are only so many bikes. The lucky person who had a ticket that had to bring it to the instructors attention - ME! I felt kind of bad but kind of good too. I'm a rule follower, so if you don't follow the rules/laws, you should be disqualified.

Today there were at least 28 people in Body Pump (including 5 guys!) I've never seen that. Feeling good today, tired after work out...having the munchies, but not giving in. Going to cut up an apple with peanut butter in a few minutes. Second good day in a row. Yay me.

A Christmas Picture

I normally hate pictures of myself. But I love this one.

On a funny note, the woman who cleans the locker room at the fitness center saw me today and said "I haven't seen you in two weeks!" Funny how people notice us. She's dead on...but I have shoveled my driveway 4-5 times in those two weeks, so there was some exercise!

So Long Holidays!!

Whew! It's over! 90% of the Christmas stuff is packed away and I can start reliving life. There are no more cookies around, no more chocolate..

Seriously, I feel 900 million times better than I have since Thanksgiving. I went to the fitness center for the 9:15 Power Cycle class. I HATE this class. Well, I HATE that I'm huffing and puffing after about 10 minutes. The instructor is really nice. I left the class after 40 minutes (which is the class I usually take) and the instructor actually got off her bike to come down and tell me I did really well in the class. It was nice. Now she doesn't know that I've been working out since August and so it came off as a little condescending, but if it HAD been my first time and I'd only made it through part of the class it would have been very encouraging.

I have a brand new gym bag that I love from my hubby. It's just the right size to fit in the small lockers at the fitness center. It comes with a bag you can hang in the shower stall for your toiletries. It has lots of pockets. It is awesome.

I also received a tennis racket and some free weights (8 lb) for Christmas so I have quite a few gifts to help remotivate me!

My eating today is on target. It's a little bit hard after eating anything I wanted for the last month to think about it. One day at a time, one step at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time...

Happy New Year!

Is it January Yet?

I'm ready to be done with this year...this holiday season. My spirit is tired. We have not had a wonderful christmas day. Or I should say *I* have not had a wonderful day. Maybe my expectations are just too high. Maybe I just need to accept that no matter how much thought I put into things I can't make other people thoughtful. I just need to stop thinking.

The No Weigh Challenge!!

I am challenging myself NOT to step on the scale until January 1st. I figure that is just going to do more damage then good to my psyche during the holidays. Anyone want to join me?

I went to Body Pump yesterday morning and I am SORE in my chest and arms. SORE!

My psychological thoughts these days..."when did I become so ungenerous?". Ok...truth be told, I am still very generous with my time and always help a friend out when they need it..but I used to LOVE getting gifts for people. If I knew you, you probably got a little trinket of something for Christmas because I like to think about people and what would make them happy. Somewhere along the line I became cynical about it though figuring noone cared one way or the other about getting a gift. Now I abhor buying for people that are not closely connected to our family, including nieces and nephews. That must sound heartless, but really it's not. Here are the annual conversations that happen in our family:

Me to sis-in-law: What could the kids use/like for Christmas?
Sis-in-law: Oh, just get them gift cards from Walmart.

I wouldn't mind gift cards so much if we saw our nieces and nephews more than once a year. And I don't want to be known as that aunt that send $20 every birthday and christmas.

and then there is this:

Me to brother: What should I get the kids for Christmas?
Brother: Whatever, just don't spend a lot because it's going to be light Christmas this year.

Again, not a bad thing, except I've heard this every year from my brother since I was about 15 years old, and there hasn't been a "light" Christmas for people he WANTED to buy for. It's kind of a "don't spend a lot on us, so we don't have to spend a lot on you" attitude.

So Christmas really has become in a lot of ways the season of meaningless gifts. That's why we have instituted a tradition between hubby and I for gift giving. We can tell each other what we would like, but one gift under the tree has to be something we haven't asked for. Something that requires a bit of thought.

Yesterday, the other mom in my girl's swim class brought the swim instructor a gift. AND she brought S & C some candy treats. I never even thought of bringing a gift to the teacher or to the little friend. So it got me thinking. I can't pinpoint the exact point when I stopped caring about getting gifts for so many people. I even attack Christmas cards this way. Do we *have* to send that person a card. Maybe relationships just became so superficial and meaningless that I became indifferent to it. Who knows? It takes some joy out of Christmas for sure.

I'm rambling...it's just what's going through my head....

Yesterday...All my troubles seemed so...

NOT far away.

Yesterday's post was a tongue in cheek for anyone concerned I was throwing in the towel and saying "screw it" to a healthy life style. It was my humorous attempt at confession instead of beating myself up mentally for being such a failure (trust me...I've done this too in the past 24 hours).

I'm set off these days by the littlest things. Sometimes by reading blogs. and yesterday was a day that I got set off by reading very happy blogs. One friend is writing blogs about traditions of Christmas. It is heartwarming and heartbreaking for me. I love to read about other families traditions, but then it hurts because we had NONE growing up, and hubby is not a Christmas fanatic so while he doesn't mind traditions, he's not one to forge them. Some people have traditions for presents, and cards, and ornaments, and even Christmas wrapping! We had zilch traditions except we got presents under the tree and went to nana's to give her gifts and have dinner. That would qualify as a tradition for most, but we went to Nana's EVERY day because she watched us while dad was at work.

Then I read a blog from a dear friend who is in the adoption process. She has a lot of raw emotion over the process that I know very well. Some of the "Why can so many people who don't even want babies get pregnant and abort them and I can't" emotion. I feel that. I have felt it every time someone I know of gets pregnant. It's hurtful and hard when the most natural thing in the world doesn't happen naturally.

So yesterday, my troubles were close to my heart. I had good long cry out last night. I feel a little better. I'm going for a massage today, that should help too... *sigh*

I'm not telling...

Shh....I'm not telling

How much of the cake I made I actually ate...
That I ate the leftover frosting in the can with a spoon...
How many gumdrops I've eaten in the last week.
That I just made chocolate covered pretzels and licked the spoon of melted chocolate and butter....
That I'm using TOM as an excuse not to workout.

What are YOU not telling?

I believe that the more secrets we have the harder our life is... It's almost January...THANK GOD!

Boot Camp - 5AM

I got up at 4:30AM this morning to try a Boot Camp class at the fitness center, run by the personal trainer who lost 200 lbs. It is M W F. I can do a 5-6AM or 5-6PM class. The downside, besides the time, is it's an additional $100 a month. But it's still MUCH cheaper than working with the personal trainer 1 on 1. There were about 4 other people this morning.

On Fridays the Boot Camp is in the pool. We did swimming, water walking, balancing, used the bands for bicep curls, did wall push ups, dips, crunches, squats. I think my muscles are going to be tired later. I was much slower than others which made me a little sad, but they all aren't lugging around as much weight either. I didn't want to participate in the obstacle course that used the water slide. (I don't much like them to begin with, but I was forever terrified of how I looked when Eddie Murphy did that horrible movie being a FAT person and the trailer had the joke of him/her going down a waterslide in all her fat glory) I liked going early, but not sure if it is sustainable. I think I'll try another class next week to see what the non pool class is like.

I do know that when I exercise early it sets up my mind to eat better. Kind of like I'm not going to ruin what I've started on doing. Whatever works, right?

My weigh in today was 266.9 which means I've regained 4-5 lbs. I'd say at least 2 or so is water retention because I'm expecting TOM and I ate a half of canister of Pringles yesterday. But the other 2, I could legitimately say those are real. We shall see. So I'm resetting my goals. I'm going to do 1 lb a week for December (with all the food we are around during the holidays I think this is safer. If I do more - GREAT!) and then go back up to 2 lbs a week in January

Braving the Elements

I went out in 0 degree weather to work out. Today was personal trainer day of the program I am *kind of* doing. I've skipped a bunch of days, mostly the education part. I actually have too much knowledge on weight loss for my own good. That's also the weigh in day and since I haven't had a good thing to report for 2 weeks I figure I didn't need to write it down on paper!

So, NOT working out for 2 weeks straight makes working out HARD. I was breathing and sweating a lot!

But I did it! I did it! I did it! And that is enough to celebrate for today...

Here's something that might make you laugh. My daughter says to me at lunchtime: "I do not "accept" crusts on my sandwich because my tummy does not "allow" hard bread. LOL. She makes me smile..

Where to go from here...

I've been trying to figure out the plan...how to flip that switch. I'm hoping the snow will end so I can go to the gym later. I'm deleting all my achieved and starting over. Since it's been a rocky month I need a "fresh start" and not a reminder of my failure to keep going. Sometimes I think I cling to the "I lost 25 lbs! That's great so if I don't lose more for a while that's okay!" So now I need to begin the next phase. It's great what I've done, but I have to do more. I know that.

Back to my Pithy Posting,,,

Thank you Leslie for a new vocabulary word! I really had to look it up because when I read about you wanting more of my "pithy" posts, I was insulted thinking it meant meaningless when in fact in means the opposite! It's a word like precocious. It sounds terrible, but really means a good thing!

I have nothing positive to report. I will not go into the gluttony that the last few weeks have been. A while back I talked about there being an on/off switch in my brain regarding healthy eating. And it's definitely been in the OFF position now. I've been processing a lot in my head about this problem and I think I might have an idea of one thing that might be causing it. Bear with me:

When you grow up without a mother and a father who doesn't really spend that much time or attention on you, not giving praise OR condemnation you seek out affirmation. I do. I want people to approve of me, like me, and god forbid, LOVE me. I just want to feel like I matter on this earth, that I've contributed something that people will always hold fond memories of me. So when I went back to New England for Thanksgiving and only one person (and a person I generally can NOT stand ) noticed my weight loss efforts it really depressed me. A "What's the point" type of depression. (and adding this on to the other depression I was experiencing from family stuff just made it bad). I guess what it comes down to is I have a lot of reasons to lose weight but most of them are about other people - for my husband, for my kids, so people will give me more respect, think I'm attractive, etc. and when those other people don't notice, it is hard on my psyche. Again today my husband reminded me that I have him and our girls and that should be enough for me. He's very right, but I don't know how to change my mindset.

So that's where I am. There's always hope...I always have it, sometimes it just takes a lot to get through to it!

Delayed Depression

It hit hard. I'm working through it. Holidays are tough because they drudge up a TON of emotions that I'm not good at dealing with. My K tells me I need to focus on the family of 4 we are and not get worked up about the rest of it. It's just hard when there is noone in either of families that are terribly interested in our lives or that of our kids. We get the obligatory christmas card/presents but then we don't hear from anyone until a birthday. One of the reasons I wanted to move from New England was that it was too hard to live so close to my family and have them be so uninterested. It helped to move so far away, but it still is sad.

Only one person noticed I had lost weight when I was on vacation, and it was a person who sees me an hour twice a year. Someone who hadn't even known I was working out. I weigh 40 lbs less than the last time I was there and noone I'm related to even noticed.

I'm coming out the other side now. I made my bed and took a shower. I'm feeling less burdened. I probably won't hit the gym today but soon.

So, if you are a praying person, I could use a few just to get out of this funk.

There's no place like home...

...to make a healthy mind turn into a relapsing ball of mush. I'm back home from our vacation. (Leslie, I wondered if we passed along the freeway - we were driving Pennsylvania to Chicago today). I did not do well at all since we left Canada. It was almost as if by being back in New England I went back in time to when I ate whatever I want without even thinking about what it was doing to my body. It's no secret that I'm a stress eater. We chose to eat Thanksgiving at a friends house rather than with my brother since he and I have not spoken since July. It was a lovely dinner, but we did go to my brother's for dessert. In 4 hours we spoke 3 times. Once saying hello, once when I complemented his pumpkin pecan pie, and once when leaving to say goodbye. It is sad. I didn't cry and get all worked up (which is normal) but I ate (which is also normal in these circumstances). So maybe something has been worked out in my crazy brain. Then we visited my girls birth mother which gives its own set of stresses. We visited other friends in Pennsylvania the last few days, and again it felt like I had transported myself back to the time when I lived there and ate like there was no tomorrow. It's hard to explain it, but it was all kind of subconcious eating. I'm glad to be home. Glad to be away from all of that. I feel like a better person here. A healthier person physically and emotionally. That's why when people ask if I'd move back to New England, I always, without hesitation, say no! My body hated what I did to it there.

Anyhow. back to work tomorrow. Back to the gym, back to normal eating.

Allowances

I am allowing myself vacation. I am not beating myself up over eating french fries. I am making healthy choices when available. I allowed myself to eat half of a white chocolate peanut butter cup from the Chocolate Factory store we went. See...I refuse to pay $10 for lettuce. So unless a restaurant has an amazingly described tasty salad, I'm not eating them.

Here's a sad thing. In reality I am still fat. I think because I focus so much on the positives and I have lost almost 30 lbs that I just "think thin". But I saw this photo from our trip and I got sad.Because it reminded me so much I have left to do. I know I'm on my way, but sometimes the emotions hit me of all the work I have ahead of me.

Some people will say that if I have so much left than I shouldn't make "allowances". Well there's a little truth to that, but I know myself. If I stress too much about the process, I'll HATE the process, and I won't be able to endure longterm. I'm tired right now...haven't slept much the last couple of days which is making me more emotional for sure.

We'll be out of Canada tomorrow and back in the states, on our way to the pilgrims!

Oh Canada...

Blogging from Niagara falls. Vacation is hard to eat completely well since we are at hotels every day. I haven't been doing terribly, but I feel like my salt intake because of eating out has quadrupled. I'm choosing mostly turkey and chicken dishes.

Niagara is a strange place. I imagine it's like Vegas without a lot of casinos. There is as much neon as Times Square in NY it seems!

We've had a good trip so far. It has had it's stresses: First, an hour into our trip (ultimate destination: Plymouth, Massachusetts) darling S threw up all over herself and her carseat. She's had a fever the last day or so, but only threw up that once. Other than that she is her usual self.

The only other bad thing is that yesterday we messed up the time change. We were in Grand Rapids, MI and it is an hour a head than Chicago time. So we had less time at a place because of it.

We went to the Gerald Ford Presidential Museum and the Frederik Meijer Sculpture Gardens, both in Grand Rapids. K & I like to visit presidential museums. We've been to 5 total in the last few years and have 3 more to go on this trip. The Sculpture Gardens were lovely and interesting and they even let us stay 30 minutes after closing because we messed up the time change!

Today we drove to Niagara Falls. We went on the big Ferris Wheel to see the falls lit up from above, then we walked down to the American Falls. All the christmas lights are up on the trees here so it was pretty. Cold, but pretty!

I have learned on this trip the superiority of the equipment at my fitness center. I tried working out last night in the hotel fitness center, but their equipment was so substandard. The tread mill had little traction and felt slippery to my feet and moved to much when I started walking fast, the elliptical made a horrible sound every time I cycled and the stationary bike took a lot of time to change resistance during the workout. I did work out for about 35 minutes or so, but it was annoying. Who knew I would become such a workout equipment snob!!

We have another day in Niagara, then we head to Plymouth, MA for a few days, then Pennsylvania and back to Illinois next Sunday. Stay tuned...

The First 100 Days

It has been approximately 100 days since I began this journey. There's been elation and there's been depression. There's been annoyance and there's been peacefulness. There's been laughter and there has been tears. In my next 100 days I plan to continue this journey and see where it takes me. I have lost approximately 28 lbs which is less than I had hoped for, but is still a good deal - no a great deal.

Here are my 100 day accomplishments:
Lower Cholesterol
Lower Blood Pressure
Lost weight, gained muscle and flexibility
Took the following exercise classes: BodyPump, BodyFlow, BodyStep, BodyVive, BodyCombat, Total body Conditioning, Power Cycling, Aqua Aerobics, Zumba, Yoga, Chair Yoga...then I ellipticycled, stair mastered, treadmilled, did weights, rowed and cycled
I rode 4 miles outdoors on my own bike.
Regulated my periods (so far)
Have had 2 1/2 hours of massage

Here's what I hope to accomplish the next 100 days
Lose more weight, gain more muscle and flexibility
Take the following classes: Boot Camp, Cardio Tennis, Swimming
Keep my periods regular by watching my carb intake and exercising
Try new foods: Persimmons, Edamame for starters
Fit into my wedding dress (just to see that I can)
Have a massage once a month

I love having massages. I think it really helps with my stess level. I have the best massage therapist. I think it is so enjoyable because it is 60 minutes of touch that commands no response. It is not a child hanging on to you, it is not a husband wanting more (I love you honey) but it requires nothing but for me to relax and lie there. There have been noted some benefits for weight loss and fertility as well. So I love it. And I love my husband for allowing me to have one each month. In this season of thanks, I am thankful for him. For loving me this way, completely flawed, and continuing to love me after 7 years.

Bring on the next 100 days!

P.S. (Thank you all for your kind words yesterday...they really encouraged me from feeling pointless. I think that is my greatest fear in life...that nothing I have said or done will have meant anything to anyone.)

My Blog is Boring

I've just spent the last half hour reading blogs, and boy do you all write so well! I'm feeling like I'm so un-profound. Some of you write the most amazing insightful things with a beautiful command of the English language. You are having such thoughtfulness. I, on the other hand, feel like this is the doldrums. I do realize I am writing this blog for me, with no shame, no apologies for what it says. It is an honor to have others take their time to read it, so I sometimes feel I should offer more than "The gym was great" or "I love my trainer". Honestly though, I feel like I'm figuring it all out, one day at a time and what works for me doesn't necessarily work for someone else. All I can do is talk about my daily experience. I know why *I* overate the first 35 years of my life, but I can't really give over to general assumptions about anyone else. Sometimes blogs are convicting, but then I step back and think "They are in the fire too! Why are they telling me what to do!" I have this thing about certain famous pastors who give very easy platitudes. I literally walked out of bible study one day because I couldn't take the pastor's preaching. I cannot accept someone's condemnation of my actions if they have not lived the life I've lived. That's why I love Jesus. He doesn't condemn, just forgives, repeatedly.

So I can't tell you how to overcome this struggle, only what I am doing to overcome. It's not very profound, just my life. And sometimes - a lot of times, it's just boring!

Manic Tuesday

I'm a little manic today. Not sure why. I really want to eat eat eat. I'm not eating badly, but I'm stuffing my face. I think my calorie count so far is at about 1000. Eating stick after stick of celery, carrots, cucumbers. It's not bad foods, but it's a bad mindframe. I can feel it. I'm a bit tired today..stayed up late last night and got up early this morning...it could be a reason.

Spin Class at 4:45. What will I do next week without my beloved fitness center?

BodyCombat Bust!

I tried to take BodyCombat today. I was pumped about it after we did boxing with the personal trainer. I lasted about 7 minutes and decided it was NOT for me. I really think it would destroy my already painful knees if I kept doing it. The first 7 minutes was all basically hopping from one foot back to the other jabbing our arms. Then we started doing back and front kicks while turning our body which my knees definitely could not stand!

Oh well. I tried. I then walked the track for a bit and relaxed in the sauna.

Off to work off calories while Christmas shopping!

Lots of Guts, No Glory

So about a month or so back I commented on how I was being very testy with people who said I looked good who knew how I was working at losing weight. Today I am wondering why noone has even noticed that I've lost almost 30 lbs. I lost the weight of one of my kids, for crying out loud!! I really don't like tons of attention, but it was just interesting to me that NOONE outside of the couple that know all the work I've been doing have said anything. Usually someone will ask. Oh well...someday soon I will get some notice for all I've done.

I'm fitting into another shirt I could not fit into when I bought it. It is very exciting for me. I've been doing really well eating within the guidelines of the dietician. I have been eating 2 fruits instead of 1 1/2, but I LOVE fruit and I figure 1/2 fruit won't do me in. Looking forward to these week's meeting with her and Thursdays meeting with the fitness trainer.

Double the Pleasure, Double the Fun!!

First an aside...those Doublemint commercials always freaked me out a bit. I have twins, but that many twins especially when there were 2 boy twins and 2 girl twins together all preppy looking is just weird!! (Apologies if you and your twin married another set of twins)

So today's weight: 263.8! Which means that I can not only post one ACHIEVED, but 2!!! See...double the pleasure!

Emotionally I've needed this. I know that I haven't been working as hard for the last 2 weeks, but sometimes just a pound or two makes all the difference in motivating me and keeping me strong!

I'm not terribly sore today which is a bonus!! I really am getting some defined biceps. I am Woman, Hear me ROAR!!!

Channeling Rocky Balboa

I've never worn boxing gloves until today. The workout with the fitness trainer was all boxing! I actually liked it. I have always stayed away from Body Combat because I felt I was too "girlie". But strap on a pair of pink boxing gloves and I'm ready to go three rounds! Now they don't wear boxing gloves in Body Combat, but I'm more willing to try it now. Well....maybe I should see how sore I am tomorrow. If right now is any indication, I'm going to be DEAD SORE! OUCH!!

I'm proud. I stuck to my fruit and a half. It was hard. I purposely did not buy bananas at the grocery store. I thought about buying Edamame, but it just sounds so snobbish!

On a very exciting note...and I'm calling it a miracle from God, I weight 266.6 at 8:00 PM - after a workout, After drinking a ton of water all day, including about 20 oz during the workout, after a good sized dinner. Which means tomorrow I might be able to update an ACHIEVED! We shall see!

Trust No One

I'm beginning to wonder if there is anyone's advice I can trust in this weight loss journey. Part of the problem is that I have years worth of knowledge about weight loss strategies. I just get more and more frustrated....

I had my metabolic rate tested a few months back which said I burnt 1800 calories just by being alive. The personal trainer said that I need to eat above that amount in order for my body just to work correctly.

Today I met with the dietician. She gave me a daily calorie of 1500-1700 calories a day. I asked her about it and she seemed to believe that I could eat 300 calories less than my MRR and be okay. But this is before exercise!! I think the calorie count should be higher (and not just because I want to eat more!!) So who do I trust? Registered Dietician vs Trainer. The Trainer lost 200 lbs. That gives her credibility. The Dietician makes her living telling people what they need to eat to be healthy. That's credentials. ARGH! It's annoying. You know what else is annoying? I'm only supposed to be eating 1 1/2 servings of fruit a day. I probably eat like 6 servings a day right now. I LOVE bananas. LOVE. I'd marry bananas! (well I kind of did - if you knew my husband!) So this stinks. I thought I was eating so healthy.

I took a spin class this morning. I'm adding a Note to Self: Do NOT take Spin classes on consecutive days! My legs were toast. The instructor even told me not to push myself very hard since we had worked hard yesterday. I did about half the class and then went up and worked with resistance bands and did squats. My shoulders got a good workout!

I've been accomplishing little things here and there around the house which has boosted my mood a bit! I can't WAIT for Christmas. We put our lights on the bushes over the weekend since it was so warm. I have not turned them on yet, but I want to! I've been listening to Christmas Music the last few days too. I'm just excited to decorate my house since this is our first Christmas here! Also, Christmas music makes me clean better (kind of like I'm anticipating company)

I've got to go to bed. I'm feeling a sore throat coming on and want to rest. Happy Trails!

Note to Self:

Note to Self: If you do not exercise for 5 days, the workout will be hard.
Note to Self: If your children are begging to go to the fitness center, it's been too long.
Note to Self: Good job for going!

I had a very reasonable day. I got some cleaning done, some shopping, including my husband's christmas present (HAHA honey, I'm not going to tell!). I ate well and went to Spin class. It was hard...can definitely feel it more - I'm exhausted

Tomorrow is our first meeting with the dietician. I didn't go to the behavioral therapist last week because I was having such an emotional day I didn't really want to go and hear about emotional eating. I was living it! I do love Thursdays working with the trainer. I was supposed to take a class I hadn't taken yet by Thursday and I had intentions yesterday of doing it, but my crankiness won out and I didn't go.

I've been trying to wake up and say to myself "What story are you going to write today, Jodie?" Sometimes it motivates me. Sometimes, not. The scale is okay. It was at 267.3 this afternoon which means I really haven't gained anything this last week or so of not caring so much. I am glad I don't have to put up another REGAIN! Sadly though, I'm off track to make 250 by the end of the year. If I put my butt in gear, I *might* be able to pull it off. I'm not confident though, and that's okay. I am confident that I will weigh less and that is good enough.

Here I am Again..

The sun came out for a few days but now has gone away again! :(

I had a lovely visit with my friend from Boston, but it ended sadly with the drama that I was anticipating with my one girlfriend who lives here. It's too long to go into, but I surely did a lot of emotional eating at this point of the last week. Since my friend was here, I didn't get to the gym as often either.

I went to a Beth Moore conference (she's a very dynamic Christian author and speaker) in Springfield this weekend with a very good friend. There were over 8000 women in attendance there. It was pretty amazing. One thing that she spoke about was how our grudges keep us in bondage to the person that we have a grudge about. I think it was Leslie at Something Brilliant who said something a while back about negative things taking up space in our brain...and this added to thought. This friend that was an instigator of the stress I had, has done this so often, I have grudges against her (some that go 7 years long). I am loving and forgiving, but when the same instances recurr over and over - it is easy to have grudges. But it does make in bondage to her. IF one person's actions cause such distraction and distress,then why do I let myself stay in that situation?

Anyhow. I am trying to catch up on some blogs. Life returns to normal for a few weeks until we travel for Thanksgiving! Have a great day!

Re-Achieve

Thankfully, as I sort of expected, much of last weeks gain must have been water retention because today I am at 266.4. Phew. I am now back on track for 2 lbs per week. I am wondering if because I was a few weeks ahead of the goal, I allowed myself to relapse. Hmm...I'll have to ponder that more.

Went to BodyFlow this morning. Interesting thing to ponder: "Enjoy the journey, because once you reach the destination, there's nothing left to do". I see the point, but I would probably just find a different journey.

I kicked some butt.

Ok, when I called my husband I really said I kicked a$$ at my session with the personal trainer tonight (the group of us) I was 4th out of 15 when walking 8 laps. The trainer commented on my great squats!! Then the kicker....The trainer said she'd like me to come to the ADVANCED class on Tuesdays instead of Thursdays. Me...269 lb, bigger than most of the people in the class, moves to the Advanced? I can toot my horn. This is just how much more fit I am than I was 2 months ago. Maybe not as light as I want to be, but certainly much healthier.

This just rocks my world!

Here's what we did tonight (I'm wiped I took water aerobics today too..)
walked/jogged a lap (1/8 of a mile) forwards, then backwards.
warm up
did 25 jumping jacks
20 crunches
15 pushups
25 knee lifts each knee
25 squats
walked laps for 15 minutes
used the treadmill for 10 minutes (3.6 miles per hour)

The time went fast. It was great!!

Here Comes the Sun...

It's not up yet, but I see some clear sky...dare I hope? Could it be?

I'm doing much better these few days. Mentally, Emotionally, Food Wise, Exercise...it's all back in place.

Last night was the first Bridge To Weight Loss class. I was somewhat annoyed when I found out we wouldn't meet with the nutritionist until week 3 because she was on vacation. I made a comment about how this was a little bit of poor planning on the Fitness centers part. The behavior therapist looked at me kind of funny, like she was offended. I just said, How is everyone supposed to know what and how much to eat for these 2 weeks if we don't know what our calorie range is supposed to be?(since we all get a individual assesment for that with the dietician) I have a feeling for many, these first two weeks won't see much progress and that's a shame. I know a LOT about nutrition being overweight my whole life and being on WW 5 times at least, so I'm not too worried, but I would like to know what calorie range I Should be eating in. My guess is that I undereat..but I just want to know for sure.

THe class had 15 people - all ages, all sizes. Some had a few pounds to lose, one man might have been bigger than the Biggest Loser contestants. It should be interesting with this mix of people.
Tonight we have the first meeting with the fitness trainer. Our job when we get there - Walk 2 laps forwards and then walk 1 lap backwards (to work the hamstrings I think)

Here are my tidbits from last nights class:
**Past weight loss attempts are not failures. We were successful while we were doing the plan. They are just past attempts

**Relapses are part of the journey. Most people have a few relapses before behavior changes stick

**What we think leads to what we feel which leads to our actions (overeating/binging) Look to what you were thinking before the emotions to find the trigger.

**Surround yourself with people that validate your emotions, listen to you and provide compassion while making these changes (that's why blogging is so great)

They took waist measurements (it was kind of funny because the behavior therapist seemed uncomfortable doing it) and a starting weight. Next week we talk about emotional eating. - I'm an EXPERT on this! ;)

Re-Gain

I changed my column on the sly yesterday, but now it's time to fess up. I had a regain of 2 lbs. Now it could be retention because I've been eating all kinds of crazy things...peanuts upon peanuts, fajitas, hotdogs...highly loaded salty things. But I also might have eaten 6000 calories in the past few weeks too to gain 2 lbs of fat. At first I thought I would just erase the achieved from the column, but I think I needed to see the REGAIN. I need a reminder that I lost it. If there was nothing there, I could trick my mind into thinking I never really lost it in the first place. My mind must not go to that place. It needs to be in the place of thinking "I messed up here...I was at 268, so it can be achieved again."

Thank you Leslie for another award. You are so encouraging to me. I have yet to figure out how to put the picture up and all that..but I appreciate it!

Tonight starts my first night of the 8 week program at the fitness center. I was excited until I ran into someone at the fitness center who did it and really had negative things to say about the behavior therapist. I will wait and form my own judgements on her though.

Had the gyne visit today (with the twins in tow). I was encouraged by what the doctor said. She told me not to worry so much about a number to be to get pregnant. It was a relief when she said that she hasn't seen a terrible amount of complications in overweight pregnant woman but acknowledged that miscarriage could be more common, so she is starting me on folic acid now. It gives me hope. Hope beyond hope. I have had TOM 3 months in a row since I've been exercising and eating well.

I'm still feeling very good. It is STILL not sunny though. *sigh*

Dawn

I think it was Leslie who said yesterday that it's always darkest before the dawn. Today it feels like dawn. I feel renewed in mind. I ate well for breakfast. I don't have the crazy binge mindset I've had for the last week. I did an exercise video with the stability ball I bought a few months ago that I had yet to use. I'm planning to go to the gym for Spin Class this afternoon. I just feel like my mind just heaved a very large sigh of relief.

It is milky sunny today, I'll take it!

Ain't no Sunshine when she's gone...

Well - there was about 6 hours of sunshine yesterday, followed by more rain. And all of this rain has made the happy motivated person inside me disappear. It's horrible. I'm doom and gloom. I know - just what everyone wants to read....

Seriously, I have to blog...I have to keep writing or else I will end up in oblivion again. I need to confess and bring this stuff to light. I've been thinking a lot about something since reading a blog a few weeks ago. I think about 15 years ago I was in a church service when a woman gave a testimony about her life and said she ate because she wanted to die. She was so unhappy. She thought if she kept eating her life would be shortened. This was sad, but I can't say that in the middle of a binge during a dark depressed day I haven't thought that maybe all this food will make me have a heart attack and keel over. I don't have very many days like that. I'm too happy a person for it. But a few weeks ago I read a blog where someone talked about wanting to die, and expecting to die within a few years. This affected me profoundly. I got angry. Blogs are supposed to be honest, so I was not angry that someone would post it if they felt it, but angry that many bloggers pour into this person daily and the writer would still be professing their worthlessness in such a way. I felt like it was a slap in the face. Let's face it, the time we spend reading and writing on each others blog makes us somewhat invested in each others lives, irregardless of if we've ever met. Depression is hard, I know this, but I also know that I am honored and feel worth from my followers. You really have all rallied behind me this last 2 weeks. The only times I've ever wanted to die were times in utter loneliness when noone (and I mean NOONE) was pouring into my life at all. These were times I even cut myself off from God. I really hope all of you know how much I value each comment. Because in these dark days, it keeps my hope alive. Hope that tomorrow I can begin again. I hope this person does find some hope and worth in their following. God made all of us, so at the very least (which is really the very most) we all have worth to him.

Looking forward to many brighter days ahead...

Blame it on the Rain

Ok..so I know I can't REALLY Blame it on the Rain. Ahh..Milli Vanilli - where are they now? I still remember when it came out that they lip synched.

Bad - The first thing I thought of when I woke up: I should go to McDonalds and get a McGriddle.

Bad - Yesterday I went carb/sugar crazy - like 6 skinny cow icecreams crazy and Honeybuns crazy

Good - I did exercise yesterday

Bad - This rain is BAD for my spirit

Bad - My ego - Maybe it is just crankiness, but I'm feeling all of a sudden my blog is insignificant. Maybe I just haven't said anything profound, but I'm getting less comments. I shouldn't care so much and get caught up in it, but with weakened defenses...

Bad - My scale obsession. It is getting worse. I will put the scale away

Good - I have planned our Thanksgiving vacation to visit the Pilgrims

Good - I think I have ovulated this month

Good - There's always more chances to do good.

The Difference between a Slip and a relapse.

Last night was the first night of my 8 week program - Bridge to Weight Loss. It was really the intro class with just introductions and how the program will work.
Each week we will weigh in and waist measurement will be taken at the beginning and end of the 8 weeks. On Wednesdays we will meet with either the dietician or the behavioral therapist/wellness coach. On Thursdays we will meet with the trainer.

Last night the Behavior therapist led the session and we did introductions. I was really kind of surprised at listening to why people were there. A lot of "I hate how I look, I don't feel good about myself, I'm having knee replacement and need to lose weight for it. Most of the answers weren't really about health, but about weight. I'm not being critical, but just observing. I said I wanted to have structure to help me keep goals and also that i didn't want to be the "FAT MOMMY" when my kids go to kindergarten next year.

One of the things BT said was that there is a difference between slipping and relapse. She told us slips and relapses are part of the journey. She didn't really define the difference yet, but I'm looking forward to hearing more about it. I'm guessing is that a slip is just one bad time and picking yourself up afterwards and a relapse is continuing to live the way you were after you've had a slip.

In other news: Rain Rain Go Away. I'm unmotivated. I just don't want to leave the house. That's how much I hate rain!

Scars

Today I went to the eye doctor and found out that I have a scar on the back of my eye. The doctor said that it has probably been there since I was born. Here's a picture. Hope it doesn't gross anyone out, but I think it is kind of cool. There's nothing bad about it thankfully!

So of course I needed to think about scars of my life, and how many of them came from early in my life, but are still present today. The scar in my eye doesn't hurt, but the scars from my life do. I have been watching Biggest Loser now (and boy do I want Tracy to get her comeuppance) and something that Jillian said to Dina this week struck me. Dina was trying to jump on a platform. It didn't look that hard, but Dina had a block, so for whatever reason (it was clearly mental) she couldn't do it. Jillian got on her case and was talking about writing the next chapter in her story and asking her if that is how she wanted her story to be - one of giving up. Grey's Anatomy earlier this season also mentioned that idea of writing the life story. What story do I want to write for my life?

It dawned on me today that I really don't know who I am. (outside of being a child of God) Because of the insecurities left by my scars I am always scrambling to figure out what it is people want from me and trying to make myself into that person. Probably the biggest stresser in our marriage is me trying to figure out what K wants me to be. Does he want me to be a size 6, does he want me to stay home with the kids, does he want me to keep a spotless house... Because of being the way I am, I have a lot of interests. I learned a lot so people would stay interested in me. The problem comes in that a lot of the things I like in life aren't the same as the things of the friends I've made. I'm not saying that we should only have friends like ourselves, but sometimes there are glaring differences... I love Broadway shows, and fashion, and spas and hollywood/movies. Most of my friends don't like any of these. I actually like going to the gym - my friends are all skinny so they don't exercise. It makes me even more insecure because since I'm not like any of them in what I'm truly interested in, I think I must not be as good.

I think about this more since I've made a few new friends since I've moved to Illinois. As I'm trying to become who I really am, these friends have helped me feel more worthy. I called a friend the other day because I needed to know she cared about me. I was feeling hated by the world and knew I would dwell in it. She knows my story and she was ready, willing and able to chat with me, and just tell me she loved me. She is not afraid of flaws. She shares hers with me.

I have made another friend who does have similar interests. We've gone to dinner and movies and are heading together to a conference 4 hours away of a favorite author/speaker. She suggests things to do as well as just agrees to go with. She was the one who suggested spin a while back.

There's room for both friends in my life. But my newer friends are the ones who are getting to know more of the real me, as I figure it out myself. This journey of weight loss it helping me with that too. There's hope for me yet. There's a chance that I can write a better next chapter in my life. I'm doing the writing now. I'm in control.

(Tomorrow starts the program...I can do it)

Down....Down....Down

Okay...when I don't blog for a few days its because I've nothing good to blog. Have I been terribly bad - Not really. But I know I haven't been good. I haven't exercised in days. I have a general malaise about me. I need to suck it up and move on....just having trouble.

On Wednesday I start a 12 week program at the Fitness Center. It is 2 nights a week. One night we meet with a dietician and/or a wellness coach. The other night we meet with a personal trainer.
(the lady who lost 200 lbs).

I may just be in revolt because I know its coming up. I'm rather competitive and there are 9 others in the program. I know I'll be working hard. I just also don't deal with stress well.

There's the friend/Halloween thing, and then there's Thanksgiving travel plans, where I need to see family and take care of some unpleasant things.

Then there are church stresses of doing ministry.

Then there is just life. I spend too much timing thinking about what wasn't, what is, what will not be. It's depressing.

So there it is, and there I am.

Blah.

I'm blah. This rainy weather is putting me "down in the dumpster" as my daughter would say. I need sun. My eating hasn't been great. I have not binged, but I did eat a piece of chocolate cheesecake today for dinner and had chocolate chip cookies for lunch (I was at a church conference and this was part of the meals they provided.)

I haven't exercised since Wednesday I think. It's been a few months since I've felt this unmotivated. I need some sun. Also, I think I have mental stress that might be causing it. You see, great friends of mine are coming to visit at the end of the month. They are also friends with another family that lives near me (we are all college friends). There is an inevitable "tug of war" with time and I hate it. You see, they come in on Halloween, but I don't do trick or treating with my girls, so they are going to the other friends for that. I told my friend here that I was planning to bring my kids to Chuck E Cheese for that night and she wasn't really fond of that idea. So I don't know if she is planning to bring our friends to my house or bring them to Chuck E. Cheese. Then the next day she invited us to a hay ride. I guess I really want to say, Look, you'll get them for the second half of the week. Please let us have the first few days to enjoy our friends. These type of incidents stress me out. It's happened before. *sigh* Group friendships are hard.

Anyway. I haven't been commenting much. I'm sure I'll get back to it.
Keep a little stronger and send some good vibes my way.

Silly Me

So my scale is not broken. It was weighing me in Kilograms! Dear hubby noticed this. AHAH! I should have left it in kilograms. The pounds weight is NOT impressive ;).

Still feeling iffy. I think it's the darkness, rain and cold that's got me down. It sure does rain a lot in Illinois in October. I need Sun!

The Amazing Miracle Weight Loss

See below for today's weight. Isn't this an amazing loss!!!

Seriously, this is what my scale says - 122.8. I guess I don't need to eat healthy anymore. From 268 -122 in one day. 140 lbs lost overnight!! What is my secret, you say? Hmm...should I share...well, okay...It's one BROKEN SCALE!! Great number though.


Here's some beautiful pictures. The first is the view out of the front of our house. The second is the view out of the back of our house :) I LOVE Fall!



So, I'm not in a healthy frame of mind today. I'm not sure if wolfing down breakfast and lunch set it off. We got in late last night and therefore woke up late this morning. We had Bible Study at 9:00 and the kids got up late, so it was cereal in a baggie in the car for them and a bagel for me while I drove.

Then we got home and I made lunch with the kids. I don't always sit with them while I eat, because I prefer to eat alone at the computer usually. But they wanted me to sit with them and eat, and I did, but ate really fast. SO this afternoon, while not a binge physically, my mind was looking for something to eat. I did eat a handful of peanuts, an 1 Chocolate Cookie and 1 Candy Corn Pumpkin, but not more. I ended up instead getting a bowl of GrapeNuts and Milk. Not what I was looking for, but I knew at least it would satiate me. What did I want? Diet Coke and a Hershey's Chocolate with Almond Bar. I know this feeling very well. This feeling has led me to go to the grocery store at 2AM to feed it. I did not do this today but I feel on edge. I'm thankful that we don't live that close to a store. (although I've contemplated driving 10 minutes). I know what Diet Coke does to me (see Food Moods from a few weeks ago) and I don't want to be like that. SO I'm trying hard, and eating dinner at the computer instead of with the family. So I can eat slowly. (Normally I do fine at the dinner table...when i'm stressed, not so much.)

I'm also wondering if seeing that false number on the scale set me up. Because it's a hard road to attain it. It was a reminder of what I should be now, not what I am. SO I feel mentally fatter. I'm not the girl who can fit into smaller shirts today. I'm the girl who can't fit into most normal clothes.

Tomorrow should be a better day!

I'm Hungry!!!!

So today I have to go back to the doctor for a follow up to last months blood test that came back somewhat abnormal (nothing serious). But I have to fast for 12 hours before hand to get good results, so I am HUNGRY. I can drink water, but that's it. Normally I don't mind fasting, but today I just feel like I could eat the chicken that lays the eggs I usually eat!! 6 hours to go! At least the scale at the doctor should show a good number, right?

Yesterday I did BodyFlow with the crazy step instructor. This woman did one of those yoga moves where you put your knees on your shoulders lift your feet and support your whole body weight in the air on your shoulders. HAHAHA. I kind of laughed to myself when she did it. Most normal people CANT do that. I don't think anyone in our class of 12 or so people could do it, whether they were big like me, or small like the instructor. I swear this woman is crazy.

Today is Spin class with Kiersten! She really is the best they've got there. When I was doing BodyPump I was feeling strain in my neck. I asked the instructor of the class why that could be and she really didn't have a great answer - something like "just go lighter and don't look up". (The weights weren't that heavy). I decided to ask Kiersten (because she also teaches Pump) and she not only told me why it was happening, but gave me modifications that I was able to apply. That is good instructing!

A beautiful fall day here. Yay. I'm off later to buy a new winter coat. I got rid of my old one because it was way too big, and my fall one, although I love it it also too big and has a broken zipper. I hope I find a good one!

Holy Cannoli!!

Today is my 6 year anniversary of being married to my wonderful K. In honor of this momentous occasion (pretty much every day that K puts up with me is a great achievement!) I went and got a 60 minute massage! It was heavenly. I have THE BEST massage therapist ever. I didn't want the massage to end! Afterwords, K took me out to dinner. We ended up at a charming little Italian Restaurant. We intended to go to Bistro Wasabi for Japanese and Sushi, but it was closed on Mondays!! (I should have called beforehand). It was all for the best though, because La Trattoria was fabulous. Owned by a couple who were actually from Italy who actually WORKED at the restaurant. It was not a chain, which I am always grateful for. Why is it that the only restaurants that are not franchised tend to be diners and pizza joints?

Anyhow, I had Veal with a Wine Butter sauce, stuffed with prosciutto and melted mozzarella, with a side of thin spaghetti. It was awesome. I have NO idea how many calories it was, and I didn't care. Then the owners, gave us a complimentary Cannoli because it was our anniversary. I think since I haven't had that much sugar in the past few months it made it that much more wonderful. I was so happy. I am so happy. I ordered what I wanted and didn't stress about it. I was happy to share a dessert with K. THAT is what I am striving for. Normal, non emotional eating. It was a great day.

Fear and Fantastic Feelings!

I think I have a fear of setting off the binge monster. I guess this is a "healthy fear", but it is fear nevertheless. I was thinking whether I should be proud, or chastise myself for being overly cautious. From the beginning of this journey, I have wanted to be "normal", rather than be "on a diet". We had a church luncheon today there was pizza and salad for lunch and apples on the side. I ate about 2 bites of a piece of pizza then gave the rest to my husband. I ate some salad and apples and planned to eat a sandwich when I got home. Partly I didn't want pizza, but I think too I was afraid that one piece wouldn't be enough. That it would have that right level of carbs/sugar/brain reaction that would make me want to devour a whole pizza. and the oreos next to it. So it's good that I only ate two bites, but then I was thinking I don't want to obsessive about everything that I put in my mouth. That isn't the point of changing my lifestyle. It is to be able to make good choices when food is in front of me. It's about being able to stop eating when I've had what my body needs. I could have eaten the whole piece of pizza and be fine, but I was just too worried. So I came home and made a sandwich with my wonderful lavash. Maybe I should eat a candy bar later to make sure I'm not getting too crazy ;)

And here is the fantastic feeling: I fit into a shirt I bought years ago that I was never able to wear. Why do I buy things that I don't fit into? Well...this was a Tommy Hilfiger shirt in a size 1X. It was on a major sale at Filene's Basement. I didn't try it on, I just thought maybe it will fit me. Well it didn't. But just the fact I could be able to wear a Tommy Hilfiger shirt made me happy. I felt normal. So it sat in my closet. And sat, and sat. But today, it is sitting no longer. It is being worn. :) And I am Happy! And Feel Normal.

Sick

Nothing monumental or fun to report on today. I'm sick. Well, not lay down and die sick, but sore throat. It started last night, but I still went to work out with hubby. We are going for a hike in a few minutes here.

So, I'll eat my chicken noodle soup (thank God soup does not have a lot of calories) drink my tea and get well.

They are calling for SNOW here tomorrow - isn't that CRAZY!

Lavish Lavash!

I made a new food discovery last night - Lavash. It's a flat bread - a 9x12 square. An alternative to a flour tortilla. Here's the info:

Joseph's Flax, Oat Bran & Whole Wheat Flour Lavash

Serving size - 1/2 the lavash. ( I ate the whole one for lunch). compared to double fiber bread

Calories - 50 Calories - 90 per slice
Total Fat - 2 Total Fat - 1.5 grams
Cholesterol - 0 Cholesterol - 0
Sodium - 260 Sodium - 190mg
Total Carbs - 7 Total Carbs 20 grams
Dietary Fiber 3 Dietary Fiber - 6 grams
Sugars 0 Sugars - 3 grams
Protein - 5 grams Protein - 4grams


And the best part - It's BIG. It makes you feel like you are eating a HUGE sandwich. I read a book on volumetrics once, and its the idea that we often eat according to what we percieve is enough. Like if a huge salad is put in front of us, we might not eat it all because it looks too big, even if it's not really that caloric. Anyhow...it's tasty!!

I did weigh today and again with jeans and a long sleeve top it was 268.8. So I am recording an ACHIEVED for 270!!

Water Baby

Today I wasn't sure what I was going to do. Last night I did BodyPump, so I didn't really want to do a morning class of BodyPump today. I looked at the schedule and decided to do Water Aerobics since I haven't tried them at the fitness center yet.

Happy to say my swimsuit is looser :). The class was just okay. I've had much better instructors for water. Another instructor who keeps looking at a book to see what is next...what in the world?!

Now here's the craziest thing. I stepped on the scale at the fitness center and it said at first 267.8. I thought NO FREAKING WAY!. So I took the water class, showered and dressed (in blue jeans and a long sleeve top) stepped on the scale again and it said 268.5. So that's what I'm going with for my progress update. I'm not going to say I "ACHIEVED" it yet, because I'm feeling like it's a fluke and it is going to go back up again. I tend to update the Achieves when I know it's a solid loss. But still it was very exciting!!!

Size 4 people shouldn't go to Weight Watchers...

unless they used WW to lose weight and just happened to end up at a size 4 and keep going for the accountability. Seriously, I overheard one of the fitness instructors in the BodyPump class tell one of the people there that she went to WW because she wanted to lose 12 lbs. So she was a size 6 and unhappy!? Geez Louise. These are people I want to slap silly sometimes. I know, I know...she has a right to want to be a size 4. But to me, the woman who longs for the day when I can wear a size 20, this justs seems crazy.

All's good here. Did Bible Study today. We are studying the gospel of John. It's really good stuff. We had a question that made me think...When Andrew and the other disciple followed Jesus, he turned around and asked them "What do you Want?" Simple enough question, but quite profound. I started to think What do I Want from/with Jesus? What do I want from myself? I'm thankful that I have hope for a life after this one where my body will be perfect and without blemish. I won't ever achieve it on earth, but I want to take better care of the body God has given me. Life is a precious gift. I need to take better care.

The 2009 Goal

I've updated what my weekly goal will be each week until the end of the year. If I stay on track, I will weigh 250 lbs at the end of the year. I haven't seen that number in at LEAST 7 years, maybe more.

It's really helped me setting the 2 lb per week goal. I do still weigh all the time, but the pressure is really been taken off to weight a "certain amount by a certain date". This is a great way to realize if a goal is reasonable. I could say I'm going to lose 30 lbs by Christmas, and I might, but the numbers don't add up. The numbers say I could probably lose 20. So that's what I'm aiming for. If I lose 30, that would be great, but knowing that I should be able to lose 20 will help me from being disappointed with myself. It helps me from setting unrealistic goals that I have to kill myself to achieve.

I'm happy today. Happy that I can maybe see a light at the end of the tunnel this time. I did something I've never done. I've taken naked pictures of myself. So that I can see the difference over time. It's harder with clothes on, unless you are wearing the same thing. I want to be able to see where I'm losing. It might sound weird but visualizing is important. I can look in a mirror and say I "think" I've lost weight here...but now I'll have something to compare it too...I don't care if people think I'm a little nutty. I'm going to do what I need to do to make this happen!

3...2...1.. 8

Yesterday I took a Total Body Conditioning Class. It was completely annoying. The instructor kept counting down saying 3 more, 2 more 1 more....8 more... with no break in between. It completely screwed with my brain. Every time I thought we were done with a round of exercises, she'd add another set. She didn't leave any time for breaks for water. I did not enjoy it. She kept telling us how she had taught 4 classes in a row. Oh well.

So I reached another weight goal (Yay!) I am happy about that! Also, I was putting away summer clothes today and I shirt that I bought 4 years ago when I was in Paris that has never fit, FITS! Yay! So even though it is cool today, I am wearing a short sleeve t-shirt! So exciting for me! My upper body is definitely decreasing in size more than my lower body.

I've been eating well and even have been turning down desserts! I am feeling strong!

Mathematics of Losing Weight

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, especially since I read the article I posted about a few days ago on slow weight loss. There's always pressure every day to eat less calories or to stick to a specific number of calories each day. If we go over we feel depressed and that generally allows us to say 'forget it!' and eat even more the following day.

Why are we so focused on the "day" and not the "lifetime" aspect. 1 lb of fat is 3500 calories. You'd have to exercise pretty much all day at a high intensity to actually lose that lb in a day. And unless we stop eating, we can't in one day eat 3500 calories less. But over time it will equal itself out. If I burn 600 calories a day - in 6 days I should lose that lb, without adjusting our diet.

I'm a scale junkie and I weigh myself 3-4 times per day. Why? Because I think miraculously by eating a 300 calorie lunch, the lbs are just going to drop off instantly. It's not just about one meal, on one day though. It's cumulative. It goes slow. And yes, that can be maddening.

I've been for the last few days entering my food on Sparkpeople.com. The first day I ate 1500 calories and I was psyched. The second day I ate 2200 calories. The third day I ate 1700 calories. Maybe on that one day I ate more than I should have, but on the other 2 day I ate less. So simple math would mean that it would even out. I know our metabolisms are trickier than that, but I think it still works. We trick ourselves into thinking that one binge is going to throw us off forever, when in reality it is only one days worth of calories. It would probably be better to just even it out the rest of the week. And sometimes our metabolisms like to be jerked around a bit to get them in working order.

I can't even imagine what the calorie count of days before I chose to have a different lifestyle were. 3000 calories - 4000? I guess it depended on the binge. But most days were pretty high. The simple fact that I have cut the calories so well should outweigh the numbers on the scale. Honestly, I'm still working on letting that penetrate my brain. Eventually that weight will come off. The proof is in the math.

Food News Post #2

From LAST weeks Woman's Day;

*Eating 3 cups of popcorn daily can protect you against diabetes. - Study done by Tufts University

No One Can Make You Feel Inferior...

without your consent." So sayeth Eleanor Roosevelt. Well dear Ellie wasn't in my tennis class this morning. I'm not generally a mean or violent person but I really wanted to tell this woman in our class to "Shut Up" and then hit her over the head with a racquet. This was a 4 week class that this woman came to last week, not really because she wanted to learn tennis, but because she wanted free court time. (since the class was free). But because she plays (even though her form is not great and she really isn't THAT good) she felt like she could give hubby and me all her insight and pointers. She was telling me where to stand, how to hold my racquet, what type of clothes I should wear....and it goes on and on. It was annoying, and I allowed it to make me feel like a loser - like I didn't know anything, like I couldn't play. It affected my motivation and my ability to play as good as I could. I felt like I've felt a million times in my life before - "why bother"? I felt like I was a fat person trying to play a skinny person's sport. I haven't felt like that yet in these past few months of maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Everyone at the fitness center has been so helpful and supportive (in the least ignoring my obesity and treating me like anyone else).

Should I let it bother me? Probably not and I'll get past it. But it is this type of thing that makes it impossible for me to tell most people except for bloggers what I'm trying to achieve. People just overburden you with advice about how you "should" do things. When hubby and I were trying to conceive years ago, people's "shoulds" drove me to depression. It was hard enough without everyone's input. Losing weight is hard enough for anyone. Trying new things is hard. What I don't need is someone (who hasn't walked to road) telling me how to do it. These are the people who make me doubt my own abilities, because I'm always thinking "Are they right?" and driving myself crazy trying different things. The personal trainer at the gym who lost 200 lbs - she earns the right to be listened to. So I'll take her advice. Other than that there are maybe 5 people outside of Bloggerworld that know what I'm doing. And for now, that's the way it will stay.

Food News #1

When I started my first blog on my personal weightloss, which has long been deleted, (and I'm sad about), I had wanted to blog some about articles I've read regarding weight loss. I'm an information junkie and I like passing it along as much as I like gathering it. So in addition to blogging about my personal journey, I will also be blogging on what I've been reading and what I think about it.

From Woman's World this week: 15 Slimming Superfoods

Eggs (obliterate hunger) - I'd agree with this - I have been eating eggs for breakast a lot!
Sesame (resists flab) because of the amino acid arginine
Low-fat Dairy (doubles weight loss results). I am trying this right now. I've heard it a lot over theyears, so there must be something to it. I just really don't like milk, or yogurt, or cheese.
Grapefruit Acids (melt more fat) - I'll let someone else try this. Blech
Nuts (gives you weight loss advantage) - I'd have to be careful here...I'd over indulge
Kiwi (anti-fat vitamins) Vitamin C is a key ingredient in fat burning. MMM...I like Kiwi
Soup (it tricks your appetite) I'll agree, but the sodium keeps the water in.
Beans (boost your burn) - No thanks...NEXT!
Oatmeal (blocks fat) - makes you feel fuller and sticks to fat cells. Not an oatmeal fan either.
Fish (Omega 3's are thermogenic & help burn fat). Trying to increace this...was easier when I
lived on the East Coast.
Soy (NO THANK YOU)
Dark Chocolate (YES!) Kills fat craving. Again...great in theory, the practice would do me in!
Whole Grains (whole grains shrink our middles) Very common knowledge.
Grapes (Beat the bulge in the belly) I love grapes, but supposedly that have a high glycemic load
Apples (a pre-meal apple makes us eat 200 less calories per meal.

So there you have it. Many of these I knew, a few were surprises. I'm putting Kiwi on my list for next week for sure!!

Spark People

Some bloggers I follow use sparkpeople.com to log their daily food. Give it a food, it will figure your calorie/fat/carbs/protein. This is pretty awesome. It's free to use, so I signed up for a free account. There's a ton of stuff on it that I haven't had the time to look at, but for now I'm going to try to log my food there. It even has McDonald's Ice Cream Cone values!

Leslie from Something Brilliant is Brewing has given me another award! I have to confess that I'm kind of clueless about these awards, but a big THANK YOU for recognizing me. It is the "Over the Top Award. Someday I'll figure out how to put those icons on my blog. You are supposed to answer questions, so I'll comply:
Here's what I have to do:

Copy and change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It’s quite tricky to use only one-word answers! Once you have filled it out ~~~ be sure to pass it on to 6 of your favorite bloggers and alert them that they have been awarded! Have fun!


1. Where is your cell phone? car

2. Your hair? medium

3. Your mother? Missouri

4. Your father? Golf

5. Your favorite food? banana

6. Your dream last night? armageddon

7. Your favorite drink? water

8. Your dream/goal? thinner

9. What room are you in? sun

10. Your hobby? internet

11. Your fear? crashing

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? here!

13. Where were you last night? choir

14. Something that you aren’t? ) stupid

15. Muffins? chocolate

16. Wish list item? TV

17. Where did you grow up? Lincoln

18. Last thing you did? ate

19. What are you wearing? clothes

20. Your TV? analog

21. Your pets? cats

22. Friends? wonderful

23. Your life? full

24. Your mood? content

25. Missing someone? marie

26. Vehicle? Sienna

27. Something you’re not wearing? shoes

28. Your favorite store? Walmart

29. Your favorite color? brown

30. When was the last time you laughed? lunch

31. Last time you cried? Monday

32. Your best friend? Stephanie

33. One place that I go to over and over? Walmart

34. One person who emails me regularly? husband

35. Favorite place to eat? Longhorn


Right now I'm not going to pass it on. Sorry if that makes me a spoil sport, but right now that seems like a lot of work. I am very thankful for all who read my posts and who post about their lives. It is very meaningful and insightful to get the glimpses of peoples lives that struggle with similar things as I do. It makes the task of losing weight less daunting. I am inspired.

SummerTime is Ticking Away...

I miss the summertime. Not the weather, but the schedule! I made a big effort to not be running here and there and everywhere so we could have calm days. Then, when I started going to the fitness center I could go pretty much anytime I wanted.

Now, not so much. And because of it my motivation has gone down to exercise. I'm still doing it, but I've lost a little bit of the fervor for it. It seems we have an activity almost everyday.
Mondays - Awana
Tuesdays - nothing for us, but hubby has bible study so it's a LOOOONG day for Mom
Wednesdays - Bible Study
Thursdays - Choir
Fridays - Swimming and Ballet for the Girls

I guess it's not that much and I can certainly exercise around it, but I don't get to decide anymore which class I want to take, it's more of a I have this time free what class is available! The fall schedule at the fitness center isn't as good either - different instructors, different class schedule. Oh well...it's just griping, but I miss those days. I'm reminded though that next year my peanut and pumpkin will be in full day Kindergarten, and I could work out like the Biggest Losers if my heart desires it while I miss my little angel/devils.

That being said I LOVE the fall. I love the weather. We have a circular fireplace in our living room and we've had a fire two nights this week now! It's so relaxing and makes it feel so homey. I love our house. We are a little bit out in the country, so it's lovely. Really lovely. And that makes me happy!! This is my living room with the fireplace...




The only temptation: I really wanted a cup of hot cocoa last night. If I hadn't chowed on Pizza and Fried Chicken I might have had it, but I figured I'd done enough damage!

Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it.

The day started good and ended badly. Did great until I got home from Bible Study and found out the internet wasn't working! EGADS, NOT THAT!!! I always catch up on blogs and tv shows while my girls watch an afternoon video and I had planned that today! My plan was messed up. And when my plans get messed up, I get messed up.

This is one of those behavior modifications I need to make. I need to not grab food to somehow "fix" the problems at hand, because it doesn't. I think I'm mentally okay now. Hubby got on the roof to fix the antenna to our internet (because I didn't want to wait until tomorrow afternoon!)
He's really the greatest.

Because my plans were "messed up" I couldn't bring myself to make dinner, so we ordered pizza and fried chicken. One of my twins will not eat pizza, but the other one loves it. I ate more than was good for me. I'm hoping that this will just give my metabolism a boost instead of making me gain weight.

I read a very good article today about slow weight loss.
http://www.burnthefatblog.com/archives/2009/02/the_2_pounds_per_week_rule_and.php

I have been losing very slowly compared to my times on WW. I must remember that I gained it all back quickly. Losing it this way might make it more sustainable. I took the advice in the article and have made a chart of each week and how much I should weigh if I should lose (-2 per week). Then I can see if I'm on track. So far I am. It looks like this: - It's not actual weights, but what I should be weighing at that week.

August 10 - 290 (starting weight)
August 17 - 288
August 24 - 286
August 31 - 284
September 7 - 282
September 14 -280
September 21 - 278
September 28 - 276
October 5 - 274

If I haven't reached the number by the week it says, then I need to up my efforts. Right now I am a few pounds ahead of schedule, which will allow me not to freak out when I have a bad week, or day, like today.

Pictures of Me.

Me, today - September 29, 2009 - 273 ish. My face is so pudgy.

This is me and my girls in early April 2009. I think I look thinner than I am here - probably 290

This is me squeezing into a train ride with my girls June of 2008 around 300 lbs

Simple Adjustments

Sometimes it is the simple adjustments that have the biggest impact on making a lifestyle change.

I was thinking about this today as I was making lunch. I never used to cut my sandwich in half, but I started doing it so the tomatoes wouldn't fall out as I tried to eat a whole sandwich. If I cut it in half, there was less of a chance that the stuffings would come out. Now I realize that cutting it in half had a bigger impact. I eat more slowly. Often times I would eat a sandwich and then have to think.."Did I really eat a whole sandwich that fast?" By cutting it I at least make myself slow down. It also slows down the preparation. I find when I'm just throwing stuff on a plate to get it done quickly I'm mentally telling myself I have to rush to eat it. If I take my time to prepare it, then I usually take my time to eat it.

Another small adjustment I've made is drinking water with a straw. I find that I am able to drink much more water this way. I drink it in a cup that I can't see how much is in there at any given time so I don't get depressed about how much I have left to drink. I consistently am drinking over 100 ounces of water a day. After a while you don't pee that much!!

Eating protein. I am trying to always have some protein at every meal. It does fill me up and also I think protects me from the food mood that I get if i overdose on carbs. Sometimes this might be a teaspoon of peanut butter with the fruit I choose, but I think it is helping.

The Honest Scrap Award

Thank you Leslie for the Honest Scrap Award. I am thankful for all of you who read my blog and post comments, it does help me stay motivated. I think I am supposed to list 10 "honest" things about myself.

1. I did not learn to drive a car until I was 25.
2. I have met Yo Yo Ma, Paul Wylie (the figure skater) and Kurt Warner.
3. My movie boyfriend is Colin Firth
4. I have weighed more than 300 lbs.
5. I have eaten a half gallon carton of ice cream in one sitting.
6. I have eaten a can of cold chicken noodle soup. (I know - ew, gross)
7. Somewhere I have a half sibling that was given up for adoption that I do not know.
8. I sing in the church choir
9. I play the glockenspiel in the church orchestra
10. I am 15% grey according to a hairdresser I no longer go to because she told me I was 15% grey.

I hope that was enjoyable to my readers.

On to another honest thing... I am really bitchy to people when they are complimenting me lately (especially my dear husband). Every time he says I look good I get annoyed with him. We were at the gym and I was doing crunches and he said "Looking Good". I told him to shut up. I told him I do NOT look good, I look like a fat woman doing crunches. And that is not a good image. My very good friend yesterday told me I was looking skinnier (she knows about my efforts to lose weight) but BECAUSE she knows I can't find validity in the compliments. I know I should be more accepting of the generous comments, but it's hard. Today especially I FEEL fat. So when someone who knows I am working out nearly every day tells me I look skinnier, it's hard to know whether they are just trying to be encouraging or they really see a difference.
I need to just say "Thanks" and move on.

On a very happy note I jogged 1/3 of a mile today. Granted I did not do it all at one time. Our track at the fitness center takes 9 laps to make a mile. I did 1 lap with hubby, then did the elliptical, did some weights, did another lap, did some crunches, did another lap. But still. I can't remember the last time I jogged even one lap!! It was a victory moment for me.

Yay.

Food Mood

I have never realized the major impact that food (and caffeine) have on my emotional stability. I have long suffered from depression and some anxiety. Now a lot of the depression has been brought on by life circumstances, but sometimes it has been a little crazy. I would cry for an hour because I lost something. I would flip out if my husband laid something down on a space I had just cleaned or organized. I think these irrational things came from a food mood.

Yesterday I did not eat horribly, but certainly a more free day than I usually do. I had cinnamon swirl bread for breakfast, Diet Coke - for lunch a Salmon Burger on Ciabatta with mashed potatoes at Lonestar, more cinnamon bread for a snack and a Hershey Almond King Size Bar for dinner with another Diet Coke. This is not a terrible calorie day, but also not a terribly nutritious day. I did not drink as much water as usual either.

I had trouble falling asleep last night and then slept terribly. I woke up and couldn't bear to get out of bed. It took me over 30 minutes to really rouse myself. I sent my girls to go play for a whle whilst I tried to get up. Then after breakfast I was writing a big stack of thank you cards that I kept putting off while the girls played. When we were finish I went up to get them to go to the Parent/Tot Play Center in town and they had destroyed their bedroom that I had spent time yesterday cleaning. (They are generally not allowed too many toys in their room because we have a HUGE toyroom right next to their bedroom). I flipped. I mean I yelled, then had to go lay down and started crying my eyes out. For 15 minutes. All because my children did something that all children do - make a mess. Something that didn't take that long to clean up.

It hit me after I calmed down that I have not had an episode like this in a few months. Since I've started eating healthy and exercising and limiting diet coke. An "Aha" moment went on in my head. My depression in part (or at least the outward actions of it) may have been linked to my food and caffeine consumption. Food does affect the chemicals in your brain. I'll keep track of these emotional outbursts in the future to see if they are corresponding to food intake. But it seems that I might have figured out a fundamental problem in my response system. I must keep the Food Mood in check by continuing to eat healthy.

How do I diet, let me count the ways...

So I was browsing the library shelves today looking for something interesting to read regarding weight loss. What I found was a plethora of books which would make anyone's head spin. Here's just a sampling of what we had at our local library (not including what you can get in the library network)

The Zone Diet
The Atkins Diet
The Okinawa Diet
The G-Diet (gluten free)
The South Beach Diet
The Flexitarian Diet (a vegetarian type diet)
The Flat Belly Diet
The Tea Diet
The PH Balance Diet
The Mediterranean Diet
The Geno-Type Diet
The Cardio Free Diet
The 3 Hour Diet
The Abs Diet
The Inside Out Diet
The Rice Diet
The Reverse Diet
The New York Diet
The Hamptons Diet
The Hallelujah Diet
The Sonoma Diet
The Fat Smash Diet
The No Flour No Sugar Diet
The Raw Food Detox Diet
The No-Fad Diet
The Starch Blocker Diet
The No-Grain Diet
The Blood Type Diet
The Real Age Diet
The Bone Density Diet
The Ketogenic Diet
The Weigh Down Diet
The Philosophers Diet
The Paleolithic Plan for Diet
The Metabolic Diet

There were more..these were just the easiest titles most written after the year 2000.

We all know there are more: The juice diet, The detox diet, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, LA Weight Loss, Volumetrics Diet, The leek diet. The beet diet....these are just the ones coming off the top of my head. Is it no wonder people don't know how to lose weight??? There is so much different information how would anyone know which is right and what achieves results?

Isn't it crazy? I throw in the towel with all of this and just go back to the basics.

Eat less, Eat better
Move more, move faster.

My shoes weigh 1.6lbs!

Who would have ever thought that shoes could weigh so much! I got on the scale today with shoes and the number was 275. I thought that was a little high so I took my shoes off.. 273.4. Now I thought that was much better! Just to make sure I weighed my shoes at home by themselves. How crazy is that? I will never weigh with my shoes on again, because that 1.6 lbs is the difference between rejoicing in my achievement and wallowing in sadness that my efforts are not paying off. It's the little things that make a HUGE difference, isn't it? And Little by little these small losses will add up to one major one. I can't wait.

Feelin' Groovy!

I'm feeling groovy tonight. A very dear friend tonight told me how proud he was of my efforts to get healthy and that he was just very thrilled about how I was doing. It was unsolicited praise which made it that much sweeter. I'm not doing it for the accolades, but it was nice to hear. No one except my hubby has noticed much of a physical change yet, but I do. My shirts are all looser. I can actually see places on my body that are thinner. Kind of weird but there are indents where there used to be blobs of fat. :)

Today I did 20 minutes cardio, interval training and then I worked on the biceps and triceps and abs.

I've finally gotten around to an actual Work out schedule. I've been going wherever the wind took me in order to get a better idea of which classes I liked, but its time to buckle down.

Here's how it looks:
Monday Nights - Cardio on the Elliptical
Tuesday - Spin class and Body Pump Class
Wednesday - Cardio
Thursday - Body Pump Class
Friday - Body Flow (Taichi/Yoga) - Cardio on Elliptical
Saturday - Tennis or Cardio
Sunday- Day of Rest.

I might do a Boot Camp Class with a personal trainer on MWF night for the month of October. I enjoy watching what they are doing when I'm working out on the floor. We'll see.

Happy trails.

Binge.

Today I have binged. This is what I did:

Lunch: Ham sandwich on Double Fiber Bread with Tomato, Basil, Lettuce
Carrots
Grapes

I was full I think..but then crazy binge woman came out. I then ate
3 pieces of celery with peanut butter (I scoop the peanut butter with the celery)
2 bananas
6 chips a hoy cookies.
2 small pretzel rods

While this does not compare to my former binges (bags of potato chips, packages of raw hot dogs, cartons of ice cream, boxes of little debbie snacks), it is a version of it.

I'm a little sad about it. I have not been drinking enough water and i'm wondering if that had something to do with it. I mentioned before that salt can be a trigger. I wonder since I haven't been drinking whether the salt in the lunch meat triggered me. I don't know. I do know that I was NOT hungry.

I went to bible study this morning and here was an interesting thought from the lecture:
In the book of John, Jesus healed a man who had been lame for 38 years. The teacher gave this application. It is never too late for a new chance in life. It doesn't matter how long you've been damaged or hurt, there's always hope for change. The man had been healed after 38 years. His life was renewed. Ours can be too.

The Biggest Loser

Once I watched this show and vowed not to watch it again because the challenge they placed in front of all these people was 2 hours of eating any fattening thing they wanted and people did! I thought it was the cruelest, meanest thing at the time. But I think I've now figured out that I shouldn't have been angry at the show, but at the losers who thought they could tow the line and still lose weight. It really doesn't work like that. Sometimes, if luck has it, we can binge for two hours on everything bad thing and it kick starts our metabolism. But, these guys didn't need it. They wanted $$$ and were willing to sacrifice their spot on the game and their lifestyle for it. Would I do that? I would like to think no. I would rather be the big winner than take a small prize. My guess is that every one of those contestants thought they deserved to gorge on the food.

I decided to watch it again, from the beginning to see if it motivated me. I cried so much for these folks. First, though I was happy because I am not and have not ever been over 400 lbs. Secondly, the women that were my weight didn't look as bad as I thought I looked. Overweight, of course, but not gross. I was not a big fan of Jillian cursing at the contestants, although this is part of "good" television they believe. I think if someone was yelling at me like that I wouldn't need F-bombs to make me feel worse. I mean, I'm not watching COPS. And to hear that out of a woman just makes me cringe. It is amazing the amount of weight these folks lose in a week. I cannot believe that is healthy. Everything I know about nutrition and exercise tells me that weight loss that fast is dangerous.

I am rooting for Abby & Allen. Abby lost her husband and 2 kids in a car accident two years ago. Allen is a firefighter. They both did very well the first week. I do need to say too that I praise God that I can walk a mile without feeling like I'm going to die. It stressed me out that 2 contestants needed hospitalization for it. I am kind of mad they didn't give the contestants water for the run. I know it was only a mile, but still this seems kind of cruel. (Maybe they had water stations that we didn't see, like at marathons?) But I can do almost any kind of exercise for an hour. And I don't need to keel over.

I may watch again. Some of it makes me angry, but the stories hit home. The emotions are insightful. The more I learn about myself the better I will be and the more I will be able to accomplish in this journey of the overweight life.