Re-Achieve

Thankfully, as I sort of expected, much of last weeks gain must have been water retention because today I am at 266.4. Phew. I am now back on track for 2 lbs per week. I am wondering if because I was a few weeks ahead of the goal, I allowed myself to relapse. Hmm...I'll have to ponder that more.

Went to BodyFlow this morning. Interesting thing to ponder: "Enjoy the journey, because once you reach the destination, there's nothing left to do". I see the point, but I would probably just find a different journey.

I kicked some butt.

Ok, when I called my husband I really said I kicked a$$ at my session with the personal trainer tonight (the group of us) I was 4th out of 15 when walking 8 laps. The trainer commented on my great squats!! Then the kicker....The trainer said she'd like me to come to the ADVANCED class on Tuesdays instead of Thursdays. Me...269 lb, bigger than most of the people in the class, moves to the Advanced? I can toot my horn. This is just how much more fit I am than I was 2 months ago. Maybe not as light as I want to be, but certainly much healthier.

This just rocks my world!

Here's what we did tonight (I'm wiped I took water aerobics today too..)
walked/jogged a lap (1/8 of a mile) forwards, then backwards.
warm up
did 25 jumping jacks
20 crunches
15 pushups
25 knee lifts each knee
25 squats
walked laps for 15 minutes
used the treadmill for 10 minutes (3.6 miles per hour)

The time went fast. It was great!!

Here Comes the Sun...

It's not up yet, but I see some clear sky...dare I hope? Could it be?

I'm doing much better these few days. Mentally, Emotionally, Food Wise, Exercise...it's all back in place.

Last night was the first Bridge To Weight Loss class. I was somewhat annoyed when I found out we wouldn't meet with the nutritionist until week 3 because she was on vacation. I made a comment about how this was a little bit of poor planning on the Fitness centers part. The behavior therapist looked at me kind of funny, like she was offended. I just said, How is everyone supposed to know what and how much to eat for these 2 weeks if we don't know what our calorie range is supposed to be?(since we all get a individual assesment for that with the dietician) I have a feeling for many, these first two weeks won't see much progress and that's a shame. I know a LOT about nutrition being overweight my whole life and being on WW 5 times at least, so I'm not too worried, but I would like to know what calorie range I Should be eating in. My guess is that I undereat..but I just want to know for sure.

THe class had 15 people - all ages, all sizes. Some had a few pounds to lose, one man might have been bigger than the Biggest Loser contestants. It should be interesting with this mix of people.
Tonight we have the first meeting with the fitness trainer. Our job when we get there - Walk 2 laps forwards and then walk 1 lap backwards (to work the hamstrings I think)

Here are my tidbits from last nights class:
**Past weight loss attempts are not failures. We were successful while we were doing the plan. They are just past attempts

**Relapses are part of the journey. Most people have a few relapses before behavior changes stick

**What we think leads to what we feel which leads to our actions (overeating/binging) Look to what you were thinking before the emotions to find the trigger.

**Surround yourself with people that validate your emotions, listen to you and provide compassion while making these changes (that's why blogging is so great)

They took waist measurements (it was kind of funny because the behavior therapist seemed uncomfortable doing it) and a starting weight. Next week we talk about emotional eating. - I'm an EXPERT on this! ;)

Re-Gain

I changed my column on the sly yesterday, but now it's time to fess up. I had a regain of 2 lbs. Now it could be retention because I've been eating all kinds of crazy things...peanuts upon peanuts, fajitas, hotdogs...highly loaded salty things. But I also might have eaten 6000 calories in the past few weeks too to gain 2 lbs of fat. At first I thought I would just erase the achieved from the column, but I think I needed to see the REGAIN. I need a reminder that I lost it. If there was nothing there, I could trick my mind into thinking I never really lost it in the first place. My mind must not go to that place. It needs to be in the place of thinking "I messed up here...I was at 268, so it can be achieved again."

Thank you Leslie for another award. You are so encouraging to me. I have yet to figure out how to put the picture up and all that..but I appreciate it!

Tonight starts my first night of the 8 week program at the fitness center. I was excited until I ran into someone at the fitness center who did it and really had negative things to say about the behavior therapist. I will wait and form my own judgements on her though.

Had the gyne visit today (with the twins in tow). I was encouraged by what the doctor said. She told me not to worry so much about a number to be to get pregnant. It was a relief when she said that she hasn't seen a terrible amount of complications in overweight pregnant woman but acknowledged that miscarriage could be more common, so she is starting me on folic acid now. It gives me hope. Hope beyond hope. I have had TOM 3 months in a row since I've been exercising and eating well.

I'm still feeling very good. It is STILL not sunny though. *sigh*

Dawn

I think it was Leslie who said yesterday that it's always darkest before the dawn. Today it feels like dawn. I feel renewed in mind. I ate well for breakfast. I don't have the crazy binge mindset I've had for the last week. I did an exercise video with the stability ball I bought a few months ago that I had yet to use. I'm planning to go to the gym for Spin Class this afternoon. I just feel like my mind just heaved a very large sigh of relief.

It is milky sunny today, I'll take it!

Ain't no Sunshine when she's gone...

Well - there was about 6 hours of sunshine yesterday, followed by more rain. And all of this rain has made the happy motivated person inside me disappear. It's horrible. I'm doom and gloom. I know - just what everyone wants to read....

Seriously, I have to blog...I have to keep writing or else I will end up in oblivion again. I need to confess and bring this stuff to light. I've been thinking a lot about something since reading a blog a few weeks ago. I think about 15 years ago I was in a church service when a woman gave a testimony about her life and said she ate because she wanted to die. She was so unhappy. She thought if she kept eating her life would be shortened. This was sad, but I can't say that in the middle of a binge during a dark depressed day I haven't thought that maybe all this food will make me have a heart attack and keel over. I don't have very many days like that. I'm too happy a person for it. But a few weeks ago I read a blog where someone talked about wanting to die, and expecting to die within a few years. This affected me profoundly. I got angry. Blogs are supposed to be honest, so I was not angry that someone would post it if they felt it, but angry that many bloggers pour into this person daily and the writer would still be professing their worthlessness in such a way. I felt like it was a slap in the face. Let's face it, the time we spend reading and writing on each others blog makes us somewhat invested in each others lives, irregardless of if we've ever met. Depression is hard, I know this, but I also know that I am honored and feel worth from my followers. You really have all rallied behind me this last 2 weeks. The only times I've ever wanted to die were times in utter loneliness when noone (and I mean NOONE) was pouring into my life at all. These were times I even cut myself off from God. I really hope all of you know how much I value each comment. Because in these dark days, it keeps my hope alive. Hope that tomorrow I can begin again. I hope this person does find some hope and worth in their following. God made all of us, so at the very least (which is really the very most) we all have worth to him.

Looking forward to many brighter days ahead...

Blame it on the Rain

Ok..so I know I can't REALLY Blame it on the Rain. Ahh..Milli Vanilli - where are they now? I still remember when it came out that they lip synched.

Bad - The first thing I thought of when I woke up: I should go to McDonalds and get a McGriddle.

Bad - Yesterday I went carb/sugar crazy - like 6 skinny cow icecreams crazy and Honeybuns crazy

Good - I did exercise yesterday

Bad - This rain is BAD for my spirit

Bad - My ego - Maybe it is just crankiness, but I'm feeling all of a sudden my blog is insignificant. Maybe I just haven't said anything profound, but I'm getting less comments. I shouldn't care so much and get caught up in it, but with weakened defenses...

Bad - My scale obsession. It is getting worse. I will put the scale away

Good - I have planned our Thanksgiving vacation to visit the Pilgrims

Good - I think I have ovulated this month

Good - There's always more chances to do good.

The Difference between a Slip and a relapse.

Last night was the first night of my 8 week program - Bridge to Weight Loss. It was really the intro class with just introductions and how the program will work.
Each week we will weigh in and waist measurement will be taken at the beginning and end of the 8 weeks. On Wednesdays we will meet with either the dietician or the behavioral therapist/wellness coach. On Thursdays we will meet with the trainer.

Last night the Behavior therapist led the session and we did introductions. I was really kind of surprised at listening to why people were there. A lot of "I hate how I look, I don't feel good about myself, I'm having knee replacement and need to lose weight for it. Most of the answers weren't really about health, but about weight. I'm not being critical, but just observing. I said I wanted to have structure to help me keep goals and also that i didn't want to be the "FAT MOMMY" when my kids go to kindergarten next year.

One of the things BT said was that there is a difference between slipping and relapse. She told us slips and relapses are part of the journey. She didn't really define the difference yet, but I'm looking forward to hearing more about it. I'm guessing is that a slip is just one bad time and picking yourself up afterwards and a relapse is continuing to live the way you were after you've had a slip.

In other news: Rain Rain Go Away. I'm unmotivated. I just don't want to leave the house. That's how much I hate rain!

Scars

Today I went to the eye doctor and found out that I have a scar on the back of my eye. The doctor said that it has probably been there since I was born. Here's a picture. Hope it doesn't gross anyone out, but I think it is kind of cool. There's nothing bad about it thankfully!

So of course I needed to think about scars of my life, and how many of them came from early in my life, but are still present today. The scar in my eye doesn't hurt, but the scars from my life do. I have been watching Biggest Loser now (and boy do I want Tracy to get her comeuppance) and something that Jillian said to Dina this week struck me. Dina was trying to jump on a platform. It didn't look that hard, but Dina had a block, so for whatever reason (it was clearly mental) she couldn't do it. Jillian got on her case and was talking about writing the next chapter in her story and asking her if that is how she wanted her story to be - one of giving up. Grey's Anatomy earlier this season also mentioned that idea of writing the life story. What story do I want to write for my life?

It dawned on me today that I really don't know who I am. (outside of being a child of God) Because of the insecurities left by my scars I am always scrambling to figure out what it is people want from me and trying to make myself into that person. Probably the biggest stresser in our marriage is me trying to figure out what K wants me to be. Does he want me to be a size 6, does he want me to stay home with the kids, does he want me to keep a spotless house... Because of being the way I am, I have a lot of interests. I learned a lot so people would stay interested in me. The problem comes in that a lot of the things I like in life aren't the same as the things of the friends I've made. I'm not saying that we should only have friends like ourselves, but sometimes there are glaring differences... I love Broadway shows, and fashion, and spas and hollywood/movies. Most of my friends don't like any of these. I actually like going to the gym - my friends are all skinny so they don't exercise. It makes me even more insecure because since I'm not like any of them in what I'm truly interested in, I think I must not be as good.

I think about this more since I've made a few new friends since I've moved to Illinois. As I'm trying to become who I really am, these friends have helped me feel more worthy. I called a friend the other day because I needed to know she cared about me. I was feeling hated by the world and knew I would dwell in it. She knows my story and she was ready, willing and able to chat with me, and just tell me she loved me. She is not afraid of flaws. She shares hers with me.

I have made another friend who does have similar interests. We've gone to dinner and movies and are heading together to a conference 4 hours away of a favorite author/speaker. She suggests things to do as well as just agrees to go with. She was the one who suggested spin a while back.

There's room for both friends in my life. But my newer friends are the ones who are getting to know more of the real me, as I figure it out myself. This journey of weight loss it helping me with that too. There's hope for me yet. There's a chance that I can write a better next chapter in my life. I'm doing the writing now. I'm in control.

(Tomorrow starts the program...I can do it)

Down....Down....Down

Okay...when I don't blog for a few days its because I've nothing good to blog. Have I been terribly bad - Not really. But I know I haven't been good. I haven't exercised in days. I have a general malaise about me. I need to suck it up and move on....just having trouble.

On Wednesday I start a 12 week program at the Fitness Center. It is 2 nights a week. One night we meet with a dietician and/or a wellness coach. The other night we meet with a personal trainer.
(the lady who lost 200 lbs).

I may just be in revolt because I know its coming up. I'm rather competitive and there are 9 others in the program. I know I'll be working hard. I just also don't deal with stress well.

There's the friend/Halloween thing, and then there's Thanksgiving travel plans, where I need to see family and take care of some unpleasant things.

Then there are church stresses of doing ministry.

Then there is just life. I spend too much timing thinking about what wasn't, what is, what will not be. It's depressing.

So there it is, and there I am.

Blah.

I'm blah. This rainy weather is putting me "down in the dumpster" as my daughter would say. I need sun. My eating hasn't been great. I have not binged, but I did eat a piece of chocolate cheesecake today for dinner and had chocolate chip cookies for lunch (I was at a church conference and this was part of the meals they provided.)

I haven't exercised since Wednesday I think. It's been a few months since I've felt this unmotivated. I need some sun. Also, I think I have mental stress that might be causing it. You see, great friends of mine are coming to visit at the end of the month. They are also friends with another family that lives near me (we are all college friends). There is an inevitable "tug of war" with time and I hate it. You see, they come in on Halloween, but I don't do trick or treating with my girls, so they are going to the other friends for that. I told my friend here that I was planning to bring my kids to Chuck E Cheese for that night and she wasn't really fond of that idea. So I don't know if she is planning to bring our friends to my house or bring them to Chuck E. Cheese. Then the next day she invited us to a hay ride. I guess I really want to say, Look, you'll get them for the second half of the week. Please let us have the first few days to enjoy our friends. These type of incidents stress me out. It's happened before. *sigh* Group friendships are hard.

Anyway. I haven't been commenting much. I'm sure I'll get back to it.
Keep a little stronger and send some good vibes my way.

Silly Me

So my scale is not broken. It was weighing me in Kilograms! Dear hubby noticed this. AHAH! I should have left it in kilograms. The pounds weight is NOT impressive ;).

Still feeling iffy. I think it's the darkness, rain and cold that's got me down. It sure does rain a lot in Illinois in October. I need Sun!

The Amazing Miracle Weight Loss

See below for today's weight. Isn't this an amazing loss!!!

Seriously, this is what my scale says - 122.8. I guess I don't need to eat healthy anymore. From 268 -122 in one day. 140 lbs lost overnight!! What is my secret, you say? Hmm...should I share...well, okay...It's one BROKEN SCALE!! Great number though.


Here's some beautiful pictures. The first is the view out of the front of our house. The second is the view out of the back of our house :) I LOVE Fall!



So, I'm not in a healthy frame of mind today. I'm not sure if wolfing down breakfast and lunch set it off. We got in late last night and therefore woke up late this morning. We had Bible Study at 9:00 and the kids got up late, so it was cereal in a baggie in the car for them and a bagel for me while I drove.

Then we got home and I made lunch with the kids. I don't always sit with them while I eat, because I prefer to eat alone at the computer usually. But they wanted me to sit with them and eat, and I did, but ate really fast. SO this afternoon, while not a binge physically, my mind was looking for something to eat. I did eat a handful of peanuts, an 1 Chocolate Cookie and 1 Candy Corn Pumpkin, but not more. I ended up instead getting a bowl of GrapeNuts and Milk. Not what I was looking for, but I knew at least it would satiate me. What did I want? Diet Coke and a Hershey's Chocolate with Almond Bar. I know this feeling very well. This feeling has led me to go to the grocery store at 2AM to feed it. I did not do this today but I feel on edge. I'm thankful that we don't live that close to a store. (although I've contemplated driving 10 minutes). I know what Diet Coke does to me (see Food Moods from a few weeks ago) and I don't want to be like that. SO I'm trying hard, and eating dinner at the computer instead of with the family. So I can eat slowly. (Normally I do fine at the dinner table...when i'm stressed, not so much.)

I'm also wondering if seeing that false number on the scale set me up. Because it's a hard road to attain it. It was a reminder of what I should be now, not what I am. SO I feel mentally fatter. I'm not the girl who can fit into smaller shirts today. I'm the girl who can't fit into most normal clothes.

Tomorrow should be a better day!

I'm Hungry!!!!

So today I have to go back to the doctor for a follow up to last months blood test that came back somewhat abnormal (nothing serious). But I have to fast for 12 hours before hand to get good results, so I am HUNGRY. I can drink water, but that's it. Normally I don't mind fasting, but today I just feel like I could eat the chicken that lays the eggs I usually eat!! 6 hours to go! At least the scale at the doctor should show a good number, right?

Yesterday I did BodyFlow with the crazy step instructor. This woman did one of those yoga moves where you put your knees on your shoulders lift your feet and support your whole body weight in the air on your shoulders. HAHAHA. I kind of laughed to myself when she did it. Most normal people CANT do that. I don't think anyone in our class of 12 or so people could do it, whether they were big like me, or small like the instructor. I swear this woman is crazy.

Today is Spin class with Kiersten! She really is the best they've got there. When I was doing BodyPump I was feeling strain in my neck. I asked the instructor of the class why that could be and she really didn't have a great answer - something like "just go lighter and don't look up". (The weights weren't that heavy). I decided to ask Kiersten (because she also teaches Pump) and she not only told me why it was happening, but gave me modifications that I was able to apply. That is good instructing!

A beautiful fall day here. Yay. I'm off later to buy a new winter coat. I got rid of my old one because it was way too big, and my fall one, although I love it it also too big and has a broken zipper. I hope I find a good one!

Holy Cannoli!!

Today is my 6 year anniversary of being married to my wonderful K. In honor of this momentous occasion (pretty much every day that K puts up with me is a great achievement!) I went and got a 60 minute massage! It was heavenly. I have THE BEST massage therapist ever. I didn't want the massage to end! Afterwords, K took me out to dinner. We ended up at a charming little Italian Restaurant. We intended to go to Bistro Wasabi for Japanese and Sushi, but it was closed on Mondays!! (I should have called beforehand). It was all for the best though, because La Trattoria was fabulous. Owned by a couple who were actually from Italy who actually WORKED at the restaurant. It was not a chain, which I am always grateful for. Why is it that the only restaurants that are not franchised tend to be diners and pizza joints?

Anyhow, I had Veal with a Wine Butter sauce, stuffed with prosciutto and melted mozzarella, with a side of thin spaghetti. It was awesome. I have NO idea how many calories it was, and I didn't care. Then the owners, gave us a complimentary Cannoli because it was our anniversary. I think since I haven't had that much sugar in the past few months it made it that much more wonderful. I was so happy. I am so happy. I ordered what I wanted and didn't stress about it. I was happy to share a dessert with K. THAT is what I am striving for. Normal, non emotional eating. It was a great day.

Fear and Fantastic Feelings!

I think I have a fear of setting off the binge monster. I guess this is a "healthy fear", but it is fear nevertheless. I was thinking whether I should be proud, or chastise myself for being overly cautious. From the beginning of this journey, I have wanted to be "normal", rather than be "on a diet". We had a church luncheon today there was pizza and salad for lunch and apples on the side. I ate about 2 bites of a piece of pizza then gave the rest to my husband. I ate some salad and apples and planned to eat a sandwich when I got home. Partly I didn't want pizza, but I think too I was afraid that one piece wouldn't be enough. That it would have that right level of carbs/sugar/brain reaction that would make me want to devour a whole pizza. and the oreos next to it. So it's good that I only ate two bites, but then I was thinking I don't want to obsessive about everything that I put in my mouth. That isn't the point of changing my lifestyle. It is to be able to make good choices when food is in front of me. It's about being able to stop eating when I've had what my body needs. I could have eaten the whole piece of pizza and be fine, but I was just too worried. So I came home and made a sandwich with my wonderful lavash. Maybe I should eat a candy bar later to make sure I'm not getting too crazy ;)

And here is the fantastic feeling: I fit into a shirt I bought years ago that I was never able to wear. Why do I buy things that I don't fit into? Well...this was a Tommy Hilfiger shirt in a size 1X. It was on a major sale at Filene's Basement. I didn't try it on, I just thought maybe it will fit me. Well it didn't. But just the fact I could be able to wear a Tommy Hilfiger shirt made me happy. I felt normal. So it sat in my closet. And sat, and sat. But today, it is sitting no longer. It is being worn. :) And I am Happy! And Feel Normal.

Sick

Nothing monumental or fun to report on today. I'm sick. Well, not lay down and die sick, but sore throat. It started last night, but I still went to work out with hubby. We are going for a hike in a few minutes here.

So, I'll eat my chicken noodle soup (thank God soup does not have a lot of calories) drink my tea and get well.

They are calling for SNOW here tomorrow - isn't that CRAZY!

Lavish Lavash!

I made a new food discovery last night - Lavash. It's a flat bread - a 9x12 square. An alternative to a flour tortilla. Here's the info:

Joseph's Flax, Oat Bran & Whole Wheat Flour Lavash

Serving size - 1/2 the lavash. ( I ate the whole one for lunch). compared to double fiber bread

Calories - 50 Calories - 90 per slice
Total Fat - 2 Total Fat - 1.5 grams
Cholesterol - 0 Cholesterol - 0
Sodium - 260 Sodium - 190mg
Total Carbs - 7 Total Carbs 20 grams
Dietary Fiber 3 Dietary Fiber - 6 grams
Sugars 0 Sugars - 3 grams
Protein - 5 grams Protein - 4grams


And the best part - It's BIG. It makes you feel like you are eating a HUGE sandwich. I read a book on volumetrics once, and its the idea that we often eat according to what we percieve is enough. Like if a huge salad is put in front of us, we might not eat it all because it looks too big, even if it's not really that caloric. Anyhow...it's tasty!!

I did weigh today and again with jeans and a long sleeve top it was 268.8. So I am recording an ACHIEVED for 270!!

Water Baby

Today I wasn't sure what I was going to do. Last night I did BodyPump, so I didn't really want to do a morning class of BodyPump today. I looked at the schedule and decided to do Water Aerobics since I haven't tried them at the fitness center yet.

Happy to say my swimsuit is looser :). The class was just okay. I've had much better instructors for water. Another instructor who keeps looking at a book to see what is next...what in the world?!

Now here's the craziest thing. I stepped on the scale at the fitness center and it said at first 267.8. I thought NO FREAKING WAY!. So I took the water class, showered and dressed (in blue jeans and a long sleeve top) stepped on the scale again and it said 268.5. So that's what I'm going with for my progress update. I'm not going to say I "ACHIEVED" it yet, because I'm feeling like it's a fluke and it is going to go back up again. I tend to update the Achieves when I know it's a solid loss. But still it was very exciting!!!

Size 4 people shouldn't go to Weight Watchers...

unless they used WW to lose weight and just happened to end up at a size 4 and keep going for the accountability. Seriously, I overheard one of the fitness instructors in the BodyPump class tell one of the people there that she went to WW because she wanted to lose 12 lbs. So she was a size 6 and unhappy!? Geez Louise. These are people I want to slap silly sometimes. I know, I know...she has a right to want to be a size 4. But to me, the woman who longs for the day when I can wear a size 20, this justs seems crazy.

All's good here. Did Bible Study today. We are studying the gospel of John. It's really good stuff. We had a question that made me think...When Andrew and the other disciple followed Jesus, he turned around and asked them "What do you Want?" Simple enough question, but quite profound. I started to think What do I Want from/with Jesus? What do I want from myself? I'm thankful that I have hope for a life after this one where my body will be perfect and without blemish. I won't ever achieve it on earth, but I want to take better care of the body God has given me. Life is a precious gift. I need to take better care.

The 2009 Goal

I've updated what my weekly goal will be each week until the end of the year. If I stay on track, I will weigh 250 lbs at the end of the year. I haven't seen that number in at LEAST 7 years, maybe more.

It's really helped me setting the 2 lb per week goal. I do still weigh all the time, but the pressure is really been taken off to weight a "certain amount by a certain date". This is a great way to realize if a goal is reasonable. I could say I'm going to lose 30 lbs by Christmas, and I might, but the numbers don't add up. The numbers say I could probably lose 20. So that's what I'm aiming for. If I lose 30, that would be great, but knowing that I should be able to lose 20 will help me from being disappointed with myself. It helps me from setting unrealistic goals that I have to kill myself to achieve.

I'm happy today. Happy that I can maybe see a light at the end of the tunnel this time. I did something I've never done. I've taken naked pictures of myself. So that I can see the difference over time. It's harder with clothes on, unless you are wearing the same thing. I want to be able to see where I'm losing. It might sound weird but visualizing is important. I can look in a mirror and say I "think" I've lost weight here...but now I'll have something to compare it too...I don't care if people think I'm a little nutty. I'm going to do what I need to do to make this happen!

3...2...1.. 8

Yesterday I took a Total Body Conditioning Class. It was completely annoying. The instructor kept counting down saying 3 more, 2 more 1 more....8 more... with no break in between. It completely screwed with my brain. Every time I thought we were done with a round of exercises, she'd add another set. She didn't leave any time for breaks for water. I did not enjoy it. She kept telling us how she had taught 4 classes in a row. Oh well.

So I reached another weight goal (Yay!) I am happy about that! Also, I was putting away summer clothes today and I shirt that I bought 4 years ago when I was in Paris that has never fit, FITS! Yay! So even though it is cool today, I am wearing a short sleeve t-shirt! So exciting for me! My upper body is definitely decreasing in size more than my lower body.

I've been eating well and even have been turning down desserts! I am feeling strong!

Mathematics of Losing Weight

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, especially since I read the article I posted about a few days ago on slow weight loss. There's always pressure every day to eat less calories or to stick to a specific number of calories each day. If we go over we feel depressed and that generally allows us to say 'forget it!' and eat even more the following day.

Why are we so focused on the "day" and not the "lifetime" aspect. 1 lb of fat is 3500 calories. You'd have to exercise pretty much all day at a high intensity to actually lose that lb in a day. And unless we stop eating, we can't in one day eat 3500 calories less. But over time it will equal itself out. If I burn 600 calories a day - in 6 days I should lose that lb, without adjusting our diet.

I'm a scale junkie and I weigh myself 3-4 times per day. Why? Because I think miraculously by eating a 300 calorie lunch, the lbs are just going to drop off instantly. It's not just about one meal, on one day though. It's cumulative. It goes slow. And yes, that can be maddening.

I've been for the last few days entering my food on Sparkpeople.com. The first day I ate 1500 calories and I was psyched. The second day I ate 2200 calories. The third day I ate 1700 calories. Maybe on that one day I ate more than I should have, but on the other 2 day I ate less. So simple math would mean that it would even out. I know our metabolisms are trickier than that, but I think it still works. We trick ourselves into thinking that one binge is going to throw us off forever, when in reality it is only one days worth of calories. It would probably be better to just even it out the rest of the week. And sometimes our metabolisms like to be jerked around a bit to get them in working order.

I can't even imagine what the calorie count of days before I chose to have a different lifestyle were. 3000 calories - 4000? I guess it depended on the binge. But most days were pretty high. The simple fact that I have cut the calories so well should outweigh the numbers on the scale. Honestly, I'm still working on letting that penetrate my brain. Eventually that weight will come off. The proof is in the math.

Food News Post #2

From LAST weeks Woman's Day;

*Eating 3 cups of popcorn daily can protect you against diabetes. - Study done by Tufts University

No One Can Make You Feel Inferior...

without your consent." So sayeth Eleanor Roosevelt. Well dear Ellie wasn't in my tennis class this morning. I'm not generally a mean or violent person but I really wanted to tell this woman in our class to "Shut Up" and then hit her over the head with a racquet. This was a 4 week class that this woman came to last week, not really because she wanted to learn tennis, but because she wanted free court time. (since the class was free). But because she plays (even though her form is not great and she really isn't THAT good) she felt like she could give hubby and me all her insight and pointers. She was telling me where to stand, how to hold my racquet, what type of clothes I should wear....and it goes on and on. It was annoying, and I allowed it to make me feel like a loser - like I didn't know anything, like I couldn't play. It affected my motivation and my ability to play as good as I could. I felt like I've felt a million times in my life before - "why bother"? I felt like I was a fat person trying to play a skinny person's sport. I haven't felt like that yet in these past few months of maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Everyone at the fitness center has been so helpful and supportive (in the least ignoring my obesity and treating me like anyone else).

Should I let it bother me? Probably not and I'll get past it. But it is this type of thing that makes it impossible for me to tell most people except for bloggers what I'm trying to achieve. People just overburden you with advice about how you "should" do things. When hubby and I were trying to conceive years ago, people's "shoulds" drove me to depression. It was hard enough without everyone's input. Losing weight is hard enough for anyone. Trying new things is hard. What I don't need is someone (who hasn't walked to road) telling me how to do it. These are the people who make me doubt my own abilities, because I'm always thinking "Are they right?" and driving myself crazy trying different things. The personal trainer at the gym who lost 200 lbs - she earns the right to be listened to. So I'll take her advice. Other than that there are maybe 5 people outside of Bloggerworld that know what I'm doing. And for now, that's the way it will stay.

Food News #1

When I started my first blog on my personal weightloss, which has long been deleted, (and I'm sad about), I had wanted to blog some about articles I've read regarding weight loss. I'm an information junkie and I like passing it along as much as I like gathering it. So in addition to blogging about my personal journey, I will also be blogging on what I've been reading and what I think about it.

From Woman's World this week: 15 Slimming Superfoods

Eggs (obliterate hunger) - I'd agree with this - I have been eating eggs for breakast a lot!
Sesame (resists flab) because of the amino acid arginine
Low-fat Dairy (doubles weight loss results). I am trying this right now. I've heard it a lot over theyears, so there must be something to it. I just really don't like milk, or yogurt, or cheese.
Grapefruit Acids (melt more fat) - I'll let someone else try this. Blech
Nuts (gives you weight loss advantage) - I'd have to be careful here...I'd over indulge
Kiwi (anti-fat vitamins) Vitamin C is a key ingredient in fat burning. MMM...I like Kiwi
Soup (it tricks your appetite) I'll agree, but the sodium keeps the water in.
Beans (boost your burn) - No thanks...NEXT!
Oatmeal (blocks fat) - makes you feel fuller and sticks to fat cells. Not an oatmeal fan either.
Fish (Omega 3's are thermogenic & help burn fat). Trying to increace this...was easier when I
lived on the East Coast.
Soy (NO THANK YOU)
Dark Chocolate (YES!) Kills fat craving. Again...great in theory, the practice would do me in!
Whole Grains (whole grains shrink our middles) Very common knowledge.
Grapes (Beat the bulge in the belly) I love grapes, but supposedly that have a high glycemic load
Apples (a pre-meal apple makes us eat 200 less calories per meal.

So there you have it. Many of these I knew, a few were surprises. I'm putting Kiwi on my list for next week for sure!!

Spark People

Some bloggers I follow use sparkpeople.com to log their daily food. Give it a food, it will figure your calorie/fat/carbs/protein. This is pretty awesome. It's free to use, so I signed up for a free account. There's a ton of stuff on it that I haven't had the time to look at, but for now I'm going to try to log my food there. It even has McDonald's Ice Cream Cone values!

Leslie from Something Brilliant is Brewing has given me another award! I have to confess that I'm kind of clueless about these awards, but a big THANK YOU for recognizing me. It is the "Over the Top Award. Someday I'll figure out how to put those icons on my blog. You are supposed to answer questions, so I'll comply:
Here's what I have to do:

Copy and change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It’s quite tricky to use only one-word answers! Once you have filled it out ~~~ be sure to pass it on to 6 of your favorite bloggers and alert them that they have been awarded! Have fun!


1. Where is your cell phone? car

2. Your hair? medium

3. Your mother? Missouri

4. Your father? Golf

5. Your favorite food? banana

6. Your dream last night? armageddon

7. Your favorite drink? water

8. Your dream/goal? thinner

9. What room are you in? sun

10. Your hobby? internet

11. Your fear? crashing

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? here!

13. Where were you last night? choir

14. Something that you aren’t? ) stupid

15. Muffins? chocolate

16. Wish list item? TV

17. Where did you grow up? Lincoln

18. Last thing you did? ate

19. What are you wearing? clothes

20. Your TV? analog

21. Your pets? cats

22. Friends? wonderful

23. Your life? full

24. Your mood? content

25. Missing someone? marie

26. Vehicle? Sienna

27. Something you’re not wearing? shoes

28. Your favorite store? Walmart

29. Your favorite color? brown

30. When was the last time you laughed? lunch

31. Last time you cried? Monday

32. Your best friend? Stephanie

33. One place that I go to over and over? Walmart

34. One person who emails me regularly? husband

35. Favorite place to eat? Longhorn


Right now I'm not going to pass it on. Sorry if that makes me a spoil sport, but right now that seems like a lot of work. I am very thankful for all who read my posts and who post about their lives. It is very meaningful and insightful to get the glimpses of peoples lives that struggle with similar things as I do. It makes the task of losing weight less daunting. I am inspired.

SummerTime is Ticking Away...

I miss the summertime. Not the weather, but the schedule! I made a big effort to not be running here and there and everywhere so we could have calm days. Then, when I started going to the fitness center I could go pretty much anytime I wanted.

Now, not so much. And because of it my motivation has gone down to exercise. I'm still doing it, but I've lost a little bit of the fervor for it. It seems we have an activity almost everyday.
Mondays - Awana
Tuesdays - nothing for us, but hubby has bible study so it's a LOOOONG day for Mom
Wednesdays - Bible Study
Thursdays - Choir
Fridays - Swimming and Ballet for the Girls

I guess it's not that much and I can certainly exercise around it, but I don't get to decide anymore which class I want to take, it's more of a I have this time free what class is available! The fall schedule at the fitness center isn't as good either - different instructors, different class schedule. Oh well...it's just griping, but I miss those days. I'm reminded though that next year my peanut and pumpkin will be in full day Kindergarten, and I could work out like the Biggest Losers if my heart desires it while I miss my little angel/devils.

That being said I LOVE the fall. I love the weather. We have a circular fireplace in our living room and we've had a fire two nights this week now! It's so relaxing and makes it feel so homey. I love our house. We are a little bit out in the country, so it's lovely. Really lovely. And that makes me happy!! This is my living room with the fireplace...




The only temptation: I really wanted a cup of hot cocoa last night. If I hadn't chowed on Pizza and Fried Chicken I might have had it, but I figured I'd done enough damage!