I'm annoyed today, so forgive the snarkiness. The scale is not really moving. I checked my prior WW records and I have lost less in this last month exercising every freaking day than I did on ANY time of WW WITHOUT exercising! I'm so mad, if I were a camel I'd SPIT!
Ok, yes, yes...I've gained muscles. My cholesterol and triglycerides are down. I'm overall healthier. My shirts fit better. But I want the number to match. 280 doesn't feel good no matter how much muscle I've gained in the last month.
I'm drinking water, eating healthy foods. I'm doing it all correctly. It's the right way. But I just want to not be 280 anymore. When will I reach the point where I'm not building muscle and I'm just losing fat? I don't want super saggy skin, but I just want a lower number. Please?
I keep thinking I'm going to reach a point when the weight just starts to drop off. But maybe it doesn't work that way. Maybe I'm just going to keep building muscle to replace the fat. ARGH.
I am an emotional mess this week for other reasons. I did not succumb to eating the fridge though, thankfully. Life is hard when you recieve love only from your husband and your kids. It's lonely when you have parents and siblings alive that really don't care about your life. My K is wonderful and gives as much love as he can give me. I have a lot of angst and questions about WHY ME? I believe in a God who has a purpose and plan, but I just shrug my shoulders lately and ask WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO HARD? Not to mention it's hard to believe in an all loving God who lays down his life when the last words to me out of my only sibling was "Shut the Fuck Up" and My mother-in-law tells us we are "Shit out of Luck" if we want to visit her at her house because she just doesn't want the kids there. My father rarely says two words to me or ask about the kids and my formerly suicidal mother left when I was 3 years old. A counselor once told me that it was OK that I was fat because with all this history I should have been a druggie or alcoholic or pregnant by the time I was 15, a high school drop out, etc. Weight was my only vice she thought and that wasn't too bad. Well now on top of the tragic life, I have the weight and it only makes life harder. I just have a hard time understanding why a loving God would give me all these continuous trials whereas my brother, who is selfish and self serving in every way) hasn't a care in the world and has a vast legion of adoring friends and family.
Oh well...told you I was annoyed. Sorry to be so depressing, but that's the way I roll today.
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