Tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it.

The day started good and ended badly. Did great until I got home from Bible Study and found out the internet wasn't working! EGADS, NOT THAT!!! I always catch up on blogs and tv shows while my girls watch an afternoon video and I had planned that today! My plan was messed up. And when my plans get messed up, I get messed up.

This is one of those behavior modifications I need to make. I need to not grab food to somehow "fix" the problems at hand, because it doesn't. I think I'm mentally okay now. Hubby got on the roof to fix the antenna to our internet (because I didn't want to wait until tomorrow afternoon!)
He's really the greatest.

Because my plans were "messed up" I couldn't bring myself to make dinner, so we ordered pizza and fried chicken. One of my twins will not eat pizza, but the other one loves it. I ate more than was good for me. I'm hoping that this will just give my metabolism a boost instead of making me gain weight.

I read a very good article today about slow weight loss.
http://www.burnthefatblog.com/archives/2009/02/the_2_pounds_per_week_rule_and.php

I have been losing very slowly compared to my times on WW. I must remember that I gained it all back quickly. Losing it this way might make it more sustainable. I took the advice in the article and have made a chart of each week and how much I should weigh if I should lose (-2 per week). Then I can see if I'm on track. So far I am. It looks like this: - It's not actual weights, but what I should be weighing at that week.

August 10 - 290 (starting weight)
August 17 - 288
August 24 - 286
August 31 - 284
September 7 - 282
September 14 -280
September 21 - 278
September 28 - 276
October 5 - 274

If I haven't reached the number by the week it says, then I need to up my efforts. Right now I am a few pounds ahead of schedule, which will allow me not to freak out when I have a bad week, or day, like today.

Pictures of Me.

Me, today - September 29, 2009 - 273 ish. My face is so pudgy.

This is me and my girls in early April 2009. I think I look thinner than I am here - probably 290

This is me squeezing into a train ride with my girls June of 2008 around 300 lbs

Simple Adjustments

Sometimes it is the simple adjustments that have the biggest impact on making a lifestyle change.

I was thinking about this today as I was making lunch. I never used to cut my sandwich in half, but I started doing it so the tomatoes wouldn't fall out as I tried to eat a whole sandwich. If I cut it in half, there was less of a chance that the stuffings would come out. Now I realize that cutting it in half had a bigger impact. I eat more slowly. Often times I would eat a sandwich and then have to think.."Did I really eat a whole sandwich that fast?" By cutting it I at least make myself slow down. It also slows down the preparation. I find when I'm just throwing stuff on a plate to get it done quickly I'm mentally telling myself I have to rush to eat it. If I take my time to prepare it, then I usually take my time to eat it.

Another small adjustment I've made is drinking water with a straw. I find that I am able to drink much more water this way. I drink it in a cup that I can't see how much is in there at any given time so I don't get depressed about how much I have left to drink. I consistently am drinking over 100 ounces of water a day. After a while you don't pee that much!!

Eating protein. I am trying to always have some protein at every meal. It does fill me up and also I think protects me from the food mood that I get if i overdose on carbs. Sometimes this might be a teaspoon of peanut butter with the fruit I choose, but I think it is helping.

The Honest Scrap Award

Thank you Leslie for the Honest Scrap Award. I am thankful for all of you who read my blog and post comments, it does help me stay motivated. I think I am supposed to list 10 "honest" things about myself.

1. I did not learn to drive a car until I was 25.
2. I have met Yo Yo Ma, Paul Wylie (the figure skater) and Kurt Warner.
3. My movie boyfriend is Colin Firth
4. I have weighed more than 300 lbs.
5. I have eaten a half gallon carton of ice cream in one sitting.
6. I have eaten a can of cold chicken noodle soup. (I know - ew, gross)
7. Somewhere I have a half sibling that was given up for adoption that I do not know.
8. I sing in the church choir
9. I play the glockenspiel in the church orchestra
10. I am 15% grey according to a hairdresser I no longer go to because she told me I was 15% grey.

I hope that was enjoyable to my readers.

On to another honest thing... I am really bitchy to people when they are complimenting me lately (especially my dear husband). Every time he says I look good I get annoyed with him. We were at the gym and I was doing crunches and he said "Looking Good". I told him to shut up. I told him I do NOT look good, I look like a fat woman doing crunches. And that is not a good image. My very good friend yesterday told me I was looking skinnier (she knows about my efforts to lose weight) but BECAUSE she knows I can't find validity in the compliments. I know I should be more accepting of the generous comments, but it's hard. Today especially I FEEL fat. So when someone who knows I am working out nearly every day tells me I look skinnier, it's hard to know whether they are just trying to be encouraging or they really see a difference.
I need to just say "Thanks" and move on.

On a very happy note I jogged 1/3 of a mile today. Granted I did not do it all at one time. Our track at the fitness center takes 9 laps to make a mile. I did 1 lap with hubby, then did the elliptical, did some weights, did another lap, did some crunches, did another lap. But still. I can't remember the last time I jogged even one lap!! It was a victory moment for me.

Yay.

Food Mood

I have never realized the major impact that food (and caffeine) have on my emotional stability. I have long suffered from depression and some anxiety. Now a lot of the depression has been brought on by life circumstances, but sometimes it has been a little crazy. I would cry for an hour because I lost something. I would flip out if my husband laid something down on a space I had just cleaned or organized. I think these irrational things came from a food mood.

Yesterday I did not eat horribly, but certainly a more free day than I usually do. I had cinnamon swirl bread for breakfast, Diet Coke - for lunch a Salmon Burger on Ciabatta with mashed potatoes at Lonestar, more cinnamon bread for a snack and a Hershey Almond King Size Bar for dinner with another Diet Coke. This is not a terrible calorie day, but also not a terribly nutritious day. I did not drink as much water as usual either.

I had trouble falling asleep last night and then slept terribly. I woke up and couldn't bear to get out of bed. It took me over 30 minutes to really rouse myself. I sent my girls to go play for a whle whilst I tried to get up. Then after breakfast I was writing a big stack of thank you cards that I kept putting off while the girls played. When we were finish I went up to get them to go to the Parent/Tot Play Center in town and they had destroyed their bedroom that I had spent time yesterday cleaning. (They are generally not allowed too many toys in their room because we have a HUGE toyroom right next to their bedroom). I flipped. I mean I yelled, then had to go lay down and started crying my eyes out. For 15 minutes. All because my children did something that all children do - make a mess. Something that didn't take that long to clean up.

It hit me after I calmed down that I have not had an episode like this in a few months. Since I've started eating healthy and exercising and limiting diet coke. An "Aha" moment went on in my head. My depression in part (or at least the outward actions of it) may have been linked to my food and caffeine consumption. Food does affect the chemicals in your brain. I'll keep track of these emotional outbursts in the future to see if they are corresponding to food intake. But it seems that I might have figured out a fundamental problem in my response system. I must keep the Food Mood in check by continuing to eat healthy.

How do I diet, let me count the ways...

So I was browsing the library shelves today looking for something interesting to read regarding weight loss. What I found was a plethora of books which would make anyone's head spin. Here's just a sampling of what we had at our local library (not including what you can get in the library network)

The Zone Diet
The Atkins Diet
The Okinawa Diet
The G-Diet (gluten free)
The South Beach Diet
The Flexitarian Diet (a vegetarian type diet)
The Flat Belly Diet
The Tea Diet
The PH Balance Diet
The Mediterranean Diet
The Geno-Type Diet
The Cardio Free Diet
The 3 Hour Diet
The Abs Diet
The Inside Out Diet
The Rice Diet
The Reverse Diet
The New York Diet
The Hamptons Diet
The Hallelujah Diet
The Sonoma Diet
The Fat Smash Diet
The No Flour No Sugar Diet
The Raw Food Detox Diet
The No-Fad Diet
The Starch Blocker Diet
The No-Grain Diet
The Blood Type Diet
The Real Age Diet
The Bone Density Diet
The Ketogenic Diet
The Weigh Down Diet
The Philosophers Diet
The Paleolithic Plan for Diet
The Metabolic Diet

There were more..these were just the easiest titles most written after the year 2000.

We all know there are more: The juice diet, The detox diet, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, LA Weight Loss, Volumetrics Diet, The leek diet. The beet diet....these are just the ones coming off the top of my head. Is it no wonder people don't know how to lose weight??? There is so much different information how would anyone know which is right and what achieves results?

Isn't it crazy? I throw in the towel with all of this and just go back to the basics.

Eat less, Eat better
Move more, move faster.

My shoes weigh 1.6lbs!

Who would have ever thought that shoes could weigh so much! I got on the scale today with shoes and the number was 275. I thought that was a little high so I took my shoes off.. 273.4. Now I thought that was much better! Just to make sure I weighed my shoes at home by themselves. How crazy is that? I will never weigh with my shoes on again, because that 1.6 lbs is the difference between rejoicing in my achievement and wallowing in sadness that my efforts are not paying off. It's the little things that make a HUGE difference, isn't it? And Little by little these small losses will add up to one major one. I can't wait.

Feelin' Groovy!

I'm feeling groovy tonight. A very dear friend tonight told me how proud he was of my efforts to get healthy and that he was just very thrilled about how I was doing. It was unsolicited praise which made it that much sweeter. I'm not doing it for the accolades, but it was nice to hear. No one except my hubby has noticed much of a physical change yet, but I do. My shirts are all looser. I can actually see places on my body that are thinner. Kind of weird but there are indents where there used to be blobs of fat. :)

Today I did 20 minutes cardio, interval training and then I worked on the biceps and triceps and abs.

I've finally gotten around to an actual Work out schedule. I've been going wherever the wind took me in order to get a better idea of which classes I liked, but its time to buckle down.

Here's how it looks:
Monday Nights - Cardio on the Elliptical
Tuesday - Spin class and Body Pump Class
Wednesday - Cardio
Thursday - Body Pump Class
Friday - Body Flow (Taichi/Yoga) - Cardio on Elliptical
Saturday - Tennis or Cardio
Sunday- Day of Rest.

I might do a Boot Camp Class with a personal trainer on MWF night for the month of October. I enjoy watching what they are doing when I'm working out on the floor. We'll see.

Happy trails.

Binge.

Today I have binged. This is what I did:

Lunch: Ham sandwich on Double Fiber Bread with Tomato, Basil, Lettuce
Carrots
Grapes

I was full I think..but then crazy binge woman came out. I then ate
3 pieces of celery with peanut butter (I scoop the peanut butter with the celery)
2 bananas
6 chips a hoy cookies.
2 small pretzel rods

While this does not compare to my former binges (bags of potato chips, packages of raw hot dogs, cartons of ice cream, boxes of little debbie snacks), it is a version of it.

I'm a little sad about it. I have not been drinking enough water and i'm wondering if that had something to do with it. I mentioned before that salt can be a trigger. I wonder since I haven't been drinking whether the salt in the lunch meat triggered me. I don't know. I do know that I was NOT hungry.

I went to bible study this morning and here was an interesting thought from the lecture:
In the book of John, Jesus healed a man who had been lame for 38 years. The teacher gave this application. It is never too late for a new chance in life. It doesn't matter how long you've been damaged or hurt, there's always hope for change. The man had been healed after 38 years. His life was renewed. Ours can be too.

The Biggest Loser

Once I watched this show and vowed not to watch it again because the challenge they placed in front of all these people was 2 hours of eating any fattening thing they wanted and people did! I thought it was the cruelest, meanest thing at the time. But I think I've now figured out that I shouldn't have been angry at the show, but at the losers who thought they could tow the line and still lose weight. It really doesn't work like that. Sometimes, if luck has it, we can binge for two hours on everything bad thing and it kick starts our metabolism. But, these guys didn't need it. They wanted $$$ and were willing to sacrifice their spot on the game and their lifestyle for it. Would I do that? I would like to think no. I would rather be the big winner than take a small prize. My guess is that every one of those contestants thought they deserved to gorge on the food.

I decided to watch it again, from the beginning to see if it motivated me. I cried so much for these folks. First, though I was happy because I am not and have not ever been over 400 lbs. Secondly, the women that were my weight didn't look as bad as I thought I looked. Overweight, of course, but not gross. I was not a big fan of Jillian cursing at the contestants, although this is part of "good" television they believe. I think if someone was yelling at me like that I wouldn't need F-bombs to make me feel worse. I mean, I'm not watching COPS. And to hear that out of a woman just makes me cringe. It is amazing the amount of weight these folks lose in a week. I cannot believe that is healthy. Everything I know about nutrition and exercise tells me that weight loss that fast is dangerous.

I am rooting for Abby & Allen. Abby lost her husband and 2 kids in a car accident two years ago. Allen is a firefighter. They both did very well the first week. I do need to say too that I praise God that I can walk a mile without feeling like I'm going to die. It stressed me out that 2 contestants needed hospitalization for it. I am kind of mad they didn't give the contestants water for the run. I know it was only a mile, but still this seems kind of cruel. (Maybe they had water stations that we didn't see, like at marathons?) But I can do almost any kind of exercise for an hour. And I don't need to keel over.

I may watch again. Some of it makes me angry, but the stories hit home. The emotions are insightful. The more I learn about myself the better I will be and the more I will be able to accomplish in this journey of the overweight life.

I don't think I could do it...

I met a woman named Melissa in the steam room today after yoga class. She had gastric bypass 6 weeks ago. I was very interested to know about it since I have never met anyone that had actually had the surgery performed. She told me she has lost 47 lbs since the surgery. She was 250 lbs when she decided to have it. This sounds grand, until she told me the rest. She cannot have solid food for at least another month. She is having to puree everything she eats into a broth. And for the first month all she could have was protein shakes 3 times a day! She can not eat anything with high fat or high sugar or else she will have serious physical problems.

This is not for me. I asked her if she cried every day because she couldn't eat anything but she said no because she really wasn't hungry for anything. I can't even imagine having to be on a liquid diet for 2 months. (I thought - "No wonder you've lost 47 lbs - you aren't eating anything!) I know I am an emotional eater, but I LOVE the taste of food and sometimes the texture of it as it hits my tongue. I didn't like a liquid diet for two days after I had my wisdom teeth pulled never mind for two months.

I felt sad too because this woman used to be thin before marriage and kids (125 lbs she told me) and was 25 lbs less than I am right now when she had the surgery. She told me she had pre-diabetes, PCOS, fatty liver so that's why she did it. I have some of that too, but my weight isn't about the fat and the food, it's about my self control. I really hope this woman has self control once she gets past this initial recovery. I don't think I could do it. I would be a gastric bypass failure and probably end up killing myself because I botched the surgery myself.

On the positive side I weighed in today at 273.8!! The scale finally started dropping, and it is dropping faster now!

On the embarrasing side...I got TOM the other day and I took yoga today. The pad must have shifted as I had a small circle of redness on my pants that I felt a little more than mid way through. Tell me that others have this happen, where the flow misses the pad? This was the first time that I took just plain Yoga. The BodyFlow class I take is MUCH better. I didn't think this instructor was that great. She switched moves too fast. I didn't feel any mind/body connection from the class and there was a song on the music trax that played 3 times during the hour - just distracting.

Life is good anyway!

She lost 200 lbs.

There is a fitness trainer at the gym who lost 200 lbs. 200!! She has kept it off for 8 years and now runs the boot camp and weightloss programs at our fitness center. Isn't that amazing? She's a little scary - wearing camouflage boot camp clothes all the time instead of the cute spandexy type outfits the trainers with the pony tails wear. But she's knows something if she's been able to maintain!

She saw me today and told me I was looking good. (She did the metabolic testing back in August.) It was a nice compliment. She told me though I need to be working more on muscles and eating 50 grams of protein a day. 50 grams! I am trying to figure out how much that is. It would be about 9 eggs. or 9 oz of meat/tuna. I know I don't eat 50 grams uually, but I try to eat enough. She recommended the book "Body for Life" By Bill Phillips. She made sure to tell me to get the original 1999 edition (not the Body for Women, or any of the other series). I put it on hold at the library so we'll see what it has to say.

I know my blog is so boring now...Something weird happened and it messed up my design, so now I need to figure out how to get another design on it.

All is well - did about 30 minutes cardio 10 minutes with the bands while the kids were at AWANA. I'm trying to convince hubby to take the Body Pump class with me, but he didn't want to. Too many women.

The End of an Age

Birthday week is over. I am now officially 35 years old. No longer 34...No longer 30...No longer 26 (but in my mind I never aged past 26).

It's been a very fun filled, fabulous and food filled week. I went out for dinner 3x and had dinner at a friends house once. I made a wonderful lasagna for dinner guests on Friday. I didn't stress too much about the food. I even shared Bananas Foster with a friend at a restaurant. After all, it was birthday week! I feel pretty good about it. I didn't exercise as much with all the excitement. But I did have my tennis lesson yesterday and then walked around for hours at the Chicago Botanical Garden. It was lovely.

The greatest thing has happened....well okay it's really not so great, but I got my period. This is great because normally I do not have a period regularly and this one was only a month and a half after the last one. Also, I've been monitoring my temps to find out when I ovulate and it is accurate, so I might be able to pinpoint when I would be able to get preggers.

Only bad thing..now I have to reschedule the gynie.

Que sera sera...

Back to a pretty normal schedule tomorrow! Thankfully!

Happy Birthday To Me!

It's been a glorious day today. I am 35 years old now. Scary..the gray hair shows it, but I'll keep on dying it! I went to bible study this morning and apple picking with the family this afternoon. I've gotten many well wishes on Facebook and by telephone. My hubby has been wonderful, taking the day off of work to be with me.

I've been doing fairly well these last few days. The scale has been going down a little too. I haven't been to the gym because of the crazy schedule of birthday week, but I might go tonight with hubby! I feel very good, emotionally strong.

Here's to the next year of being healthy and normal. :)

Glycemic Load of Crap

Weight loss is complicated
Weight loss with PCOS is even MORE complicated.

So apparently the fruits that I have been eating (bananas, grapes, apples, pineapple) have a higher glycemic index than I really should be eating. I am supposed to eat low carb due to my PCOS so my insulin isn't triggered badly or something like that. I have been doing my best, but now it seems that it isn't just the glycemic index of foods, but the daily total glycemic load. So your glycemic load should be about 80 (some sort of measurement). Bananas glycemic load is 12. I've been eating 3 a day - so almost half of my days carbs are on 3 bananas. A little spaghetti is 27 glycemic load. my bowl of grape nuts with all that fiber - 25 glycemic load. So just in eating these things I go over the load.

Oh well...it has made me a little down because I enjoy carbs so much! But this is birthday week! So I am just going to enjoy those carbs and then worry about it after I turn 35.

Tennis, Anyone?

I'm feeling more in control of my emotions today than I have the last few days. I also learned last night that high quantities of salt are a food trigger for me. We went to Applebees and I got the WW French Onion Soup (which is fantastic) and a Bruschetta burger with fries. I didn't finish my fries, but everything was SOOO salty. As soon as we left I HAD to go to CVS and get a diet coke and ...well a Hershey Bar. I was possessed. I felt it...the craving was so bad. So it goes.

I can tell the high amount of salt also in my bloated face last night at bed. And the fact that the scale says I had gained 5 lbs during the day. This is birthday week for me, so eating out will be more frequent, but I know now not to order such salty things!

This morning, dearest K and I took a tennis lesson together! It was a lot of fun (especially since I'm a bit better than he is ;) ). At first K griped about not wanting to do it, but it was free and he decided that it was a fun thing to do together. I think it exhausts him, all the things I want to do, all the time. So basically the fitness center is running a 4 week free class for learning tennis. It's an hour and a half each week. The best thing. Our class only has 5 people in it including us, so we get a lot of attention. One of the couples had to leave early and aren't going to make a lesson so it will be like a semi private lesson :) FOR FREE! YIPPEE! Why more people aren't taking advantage, I'll never know!

Kids have a birthday party today and tonight is my first dinner of birthday week. I don't like the fact that I'm getting older. I know it's a part of life, but I wish I could have stayed 26 for my entire life!

The Least I Ever Lost...

I'm annoyed today, so forgive the snarkiness. The scale is not really moving. I checked my prior WW records and I have lost less in this last month exercising every freaking day than I did on ANY time of WW WITHOUT exercising! I'm so mad, if I were a camel I'd SPIT!

Ok, yes, yes...I've gained muscles. My cholesterol and triglycerides are down. I'm overall healthier. My shirts fit better. But I want the number to match. 280 doesn't feel good no matter how much muscle I've gained in the last month.

I'm drinking water, eating healthy foods. I'm doing it all correctly. It's the right way. But I just want to not be 280 anymore. When will I reach the point where I'm not building muscle and I'm just losing fat? I don't want super saggy skin, but I just want a lower number. Please?

I keep thinking I'm going to reach a point when the weight just starts to drop off. But maybe it doesn't work that way. Maybe I'm just going to keep building muscle to replace the fat. ARGH.

I am an emotional mess this week for other reasons. I did not succumb to eating the fridge though, thankfully. Life is hard when you recieve love only from your husband and your kids. It's lonely when you have parents and siblings alive that really don't care about your life. My K is wonderful and gives as much love as he can give me. I have a lot of angst and questions about WHY ME? I believe in a God who has a purpose and plan, but I just shrug my shoulders lately and ask WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO HARD? Not to mention it's hard to believe in an all loving God who lays down his life when the last words to me out of my only sibling was "Shut the Fuck Up" and My mother-in-law tells us we are "Shit out of Luck" if we want to visit her at her house because she just doesn't want the kids there. My father rarely says two words to me or ask about the kids and my formerly suicidal mother left when I was 3 years old. A counselor once told me that it was OK that I was fat because with all this history I should have been a druggie or alcoholic or pregnant by the time I was 15, a high school drop out, etc. Weight was my only vice she thought and that wasn't too bad. Well now on top of the tragic life, I have the weight and it only makes life harder. I just have a hard time understanding why a loving God would give me all these continuous trials whereas my brother, who is selfish and self serving in every way) hasn't a care in the world and has a vast legion of adoring friends and family.

Oh well...told you I was annoyed. Sorry to be so depressing, but that's the way I roll today.

10 Things that I hate about the Overweight Life

Since the other day I posted about reasons to become healthy, now I thought I'd write about the things I hate about being fat.

1. Rolls of fat. It sucks when the top part of your stomach squeezes out the top of your pants and leaves a nice roll that you can see through your shirt unless it is 4x too big.

2. Bad knees. When I reached around 300 my legs and knees started to hurt. ALOT. It's better now, but squats and lunges still hurt

3. Double Chins. Somewhere I have a facial structure. I'm wondering what it looks like.

4. Underwear. It's huge. and UGLY. I actually have a box of cute size 9 underwear to wear someday. Anything over that size is just granny pants. (I will say that it's getting a little bit better, and I suppose if I was willing to shell out $15-20 bucks for a pair of underwear I could find something fashionable...but I'm cheap)

5. Bras. Seriously this is a big gripe. Why must they make plus size bras with so much fabric. I have maybe come across 2 bras, maybe 3 in my life that didn't use a yard of material. My boobs don't weigh 300 lbs. I don't need THAT much support. And like the underwear, why on earth does fashion stop at size 36 or 38.

6. Breathlessness. I hate this feeling after I carry the laundry up flights of stairs. O

7. Clothes. There are some stores that carry pretty decent stuff for plus sized, but why do designers think that plus sized women LOVE florals or sparkles or super bright colors like aqua? I do not want to wear a muumuu. I want to wear what everyone else wears.

8. Snuggling while watching a movie. I'm all for it...just can't fit both me and the hubby on the couch comfortably.

9. Scales. Some go up to 300 lbs, but not all. It's really sad when you weigh so much a scale can't even register you.

10. Public transportation. I don't expect transport companies to make seats bigger for me, but I really hate being wedged between two people on an airplane. It is uncomfortable for all involved!

So there you have it. 10 things to hate about the overweight life. If I keep my focus, these won't be problems for long...

Zum a Zum, Ah!

Today was the first day they offered Zumba at our fitness center. I will say that the class went by quite quickly and it was a good workout. The instructor was not that great however. Cindy didn't use the microphone, so the music was way softer than it should have been. She had to use her notes a few times to know what steps we would have to use. And not all the music was Latin music. Michael Jackson tunes do not inspire me to Mambo or samba, thank you. Moonwalk, maybe.

The steps were not that hard to learn and it was pretty easy to keep up with the instructor. The class had 5 others in it, but surprisingly after a while I didn't really notice them. So when the instructor said to shake our booty, I shook it!

It was really a lot of fun and a tremendous work out! I think my sneakers were a little bulky, so I might try wearing different ones next time so I wouldn't feel so clunky.

Test results came back from the doctor:
Cholesterol: 158 - HDL(good) 41 - Bad:89 Under 200 for cholesterol is good. Greater than 39 is good for HDL and less than 99 for the bad. So I'm good! This is much better than in 2008 - (Cholesterol: 172 - Good 37, Bad 102). So here I am much healthier!

Triglycerides: 138 -(under 149 is good) In 2008 - 167 - Yay.

The one cause for concern was an elevated liver enzyme. ALT - It's at 42 and it should be less than 40. It 2008 it was at 34. I don't know what this could be from. I need to go back in a month and have it checked again.

I am very pleased with these results. VERY!

What a Girl Wants...

I am feeling MUCH better after going to Spin Class today with Kiersten! I wanted to list things I want from weight loss...things that would just make me feel normal, or beautiful...

I want to be able to do push ups without being on my knees
I want to wrap one towel around my body
I want to buy clothes from the non-plus sized section
I want to be able to buy jewelry and not have it sized up
I want to be able to fit easily into an airplane seat
I want to be able to ride amusement park rides with my kids
I want to take a picture where my chins are not the focal point
I want get a massage without feeling embarrassed
I want to be able to do a cart wheel.
I want to sit on my husband's lap without worrying about hurting him
I want my husband to be able to pick me up and carry me to bed. ;)
I want to be able to play chase my children and catch them
I want to be able to cross my legs like a lady.
I want to wear short skirts and sexy shoes
I want to wear a strapless red dress and feel beautiful
I want to be able to sit down on any chair and not worry if the weight will hold me.

I'll post more as I think of them.

Cranky, Crabby & Cross

I'm not feeling any better than yesterday. I have been wearing my workout clothes since I woke up, yet have not made it to the fitness center. I am planning to take a cycle class at 4:00 though. I'm so unmotivated. It is a day that I just want to lay down and not talk to anyone. The weather is fine, I haven't splurged, I'm not craving anything...I'm just...bummed.

Most times I know why I get cranky, but today I do not. I'm slightly annoyed that TOM isn't here. I really thought if I spent a month exercising and eating well than I might regulate, but nope. But I don't think that's why. Maybe it is about the annoyance I feel towards the conservative population (of which I am generally a part of it) for being up in arms that our President wants to give a pep talk to kids. This really does annoy me. No president is without critics for sure, but I don't believe in censorship of any kind. I believe that parents have the right to not allow their children to watch it, but that it should be done quietly. We don't celebrate Halloween at our house, but I don't go around to everyone and tell them they are wrong for doing it. It's just something we choose not to do. Generations are becoming increasingly disengaged to government so I thought just on that merit alone it was worthwhile. It just irks me to the core that Obama is compared to Mao and other communist/socialist leaders and that he is trying to indoctrinate people into some perverse agenda. I don't believe in all his politics, but that's just absurd. It's my job to teach my children to question all until they have made up their own minds on the matter, NOT to believe my way OR Obama's way. My K and I disagree...his sister was planning to keep her kids home from school that day and this sparked a debate among us. I think I'm just annoyed about it. Now I will step off the box...

On a completely different note. I think I drink at least 6 lbs worth of water each day. How do I expect to lose! A lot of it comes out, but still...

I Can't Get No Satisfaction...

I really want to binge right now. It's a good thing I am not stocking sweets in my house right now. They'd be gone in about 30 seconds. It might be PMS...I never know...or it might be that my generally good hubby has been challegingly difficult today, or that I'm tired...who knows. I just feel the urge.

We had a wonderful vacation weekend to Springfield Illinois this weekend. We took in a lot of Abraham Lincoln sites and saw a Frank Lloyd Wright home. It was beautiful, timeless and amazing. How anyone could have hated what he did is amazing to me.

I ate fairly well. I did not get as much water as I have been drinking. I think I am retaining though because a bunch of what I ate was salty. I did have pizza one night, but salmon with rice pilaf the next. I ate half a sandwich and soup for lunch one day and then no lunch the next because we had a buffet breakfast. Now I might have gone a little bit crazy on the buffet, but when you are paying $13 you want to get your money's worth!! It wasn't so bad. I had fresh fruit, scrambled eggs, a couple of pieces of bacon, a couple pieces of sausage, one french toast stick, a banana, a slice of ham, a slice of thin salmon. Deciding I needed more carbs because it was mostly protein (except the fruit) I made a waffle. I love waffle maker waffles. We have a waffle maker at home I love them that much! I did eat it without syrup. Then I didn't have lunch, so I figured the calories worked themselves out.

For dinner we stopped and got 6 inch subs from Subway. I think this is the first time I opted for a 6 inch over the footlong - and I was satisfied. It was a good feeling. I did eat some candy bars (2) yesterday. I knew I was craving and decided it was better just to eat them ( not binging) than to just keep wanting them and wanting them until i bought a 6 pack at Walmart and ate them all at one sitting.

Today I was back at the fitness center. I did 60 minutes on the elliptical and then did some weights with the bands, and also some crunches. I didn't really feel like going but again, its something that if I didn't do, I might find excuses every day NOT to go. I can't say I feel remarkeably better now, but I am glad I went. I'm a big ball of angst right now. Trying to stay good....

Scale Love and Hate

I like weighing myself. Not the number of course...but just knowing which direction I'm going helps me. Especially today...I got on the scale. 280.0. I stepped on again...279.5. I stepped on again....279..I stepped on one last time 278.5. I lost 1 1/2 lbs in about 15 seconds! Amazing! I love my scale! Ha. Well truthfully, this is where I hate my scale. It is not consistent and for someone trying to lose weight a pound and a half is a BIG deal. How my scale can be so inconsiderate to tease....

I'm not caught up in the numbers...I just like seeing them. We are off to Springfield, IL this weekend so I won't be blogging for a few days...I won't get to exercise as much, but we will be walking around everywhere, so there's something!

There's nothing Fast about Fasting

Today I was required to fast until my doctor's appointment at 1:00pm. They wanted to get good blood work results, which I am personally glad for. But fasting....it doesn't go by fast. I was so hungry by dinner time. I was very good and did not go off the deep end at 3:00 when I picked up the kids. I could have..I even though about it but I knew supper was in just about 2 hours so I could wait... I did.

I was very pleased today that the scale dipped below 280. It means progress. My first goal is to fit into my wedding dress. Just because it doesn't fit anymore and I want to start at getting down to my married weight. My dearest K has agreed that once I get down to a weight that I am comfortable, he will renew vows with me and I will get to pick a wedding dress that I really want...not just the limited selection of wedding dresses for plus sized people. I really did love my dress, but was disappointed that I had so few options being such a large size. I know its just a material thing, but it is something I have to strive for.

My lowest recorded weight that I have is September 15, 2001 at 228.8. I had lost 44 lbs on WW. And then we all know what happened 9/11/01. That next week I gained 4.2 lbs, the week after i gained 4 lbs. Then another 4 lbs. I quit WW October of 2001 after these gains. In one month I gained 10 lbs. Isn't that crazy!?

Then I joined again in 2004. I started at 277.8 and ened at 261.2 after 6 weeks.

Then I joined in 2006 at my highest recorded weight of 302 lbs. Isn't it amazing that you can gain 40 lbs in 2 years? Seriously crazy. That's what marriage will do to you. ;) nah, that's what eating 2 candy bars a day and lots of chinese food for lunch will do. After 6 weeks I was at 282.2 and then I quit.

2008 - I joined again. I started at 282 and by April 08 - 264.6. That was the lowest I got on the last time I did WW before quitting and August 2009, I was up to 290 + some.

So, I know I can lose, and I know I can gain. And I know that it can happen very fast. This time its taken me 1 month to lose 10 lbs. Even if I lost only 1 lb a week for the next year I would be in the low 200's. That's not insurmountable. Perhaps I lost too fast on WW. That's why I yo-yo'd so much. Maybe this time, NOT doing a program and just trying to live life will help do better. I can always hope!

If the Shirt fits...

I am so excited today. A shirt that I bought over 2 years ago which didn't fit then fits today! When I graduated college there was a sale in the bookstore of school merchandise. I wasn't planning on buying too much collegiate gear because I really wasn't fond of the school I went to. However, I can't resist a great sale and I was worried I would get nostalgic and be sad I didn't have any college shirts. So I bought 2 shirts for maybe $5.00 each? They were XL size and I didn't fit into them at the time, but I thought..."SOMEDAY". That someday is TODAY!! I was just organizing my shirt drawer trying to find a shirt to match my capris and I thought, what the heck..I'll try it on and to my amazement it fits.

Although the scale isn't moving as fast as I'd like, I will say that I notice parts of my body that are losing weight. Oddly I am losing weight just below my rib cage. There is now a slight indent there that wasn't there before. It's kind of weird and I asked my husband to confirm it because I thought maybe I just hadn't noticed the indents before. He confirmed that he doesn't remember it either. I guess that's great, but I'd rather the weight be lost from my tush or the roll of fat that's below my belly button! I mustbe losing in the chest/back area too since my tshirts and shirts are feeling a little looser. I really wish it would be my waist though. I've always bought my shirts too big to begin with to hide my fat. My jeans are not yet feeling any looser though. Maybe next week.

Off to enjoy the day!!

Red like a Sunburn

I was supposed to have a break day today, but I think I'm becoming addicted to the fitness center. We had a good cleaning day this morning and then went to a park for lunch with some friends. It was a lovely day. K has bible study tonight, so it's just me and the girls, and maybe I got a little bored and saw there was a step class tonight with a different instructor. So why not?

This teacher - Cathy was her name, was very peppy, but not as strange as Donna yesterday. I just don't know why step can't be a little more basic. I'm sure someone somewhere tonight is probably blogging about this obese girl sweating like a hog who couldn't figure out the steps! I thought I'd feel more coordinated the second time, but it was worse than the first. Each instructor does different moves, so even if I took a third class, it'd still probably be like the first time! My knees don't love step that's for sure...even on the lowest level...

I had to laugh when I looked in the mirror after class...I was beet red. Not just my face, but my chest and arms too! It looked as if I had laid out in the sun for far too long!!! I guess it's just an indication of how hard I worked!!

I'm emotional lately...it could be TOM but I'm feeling a little sad that I have to go through this work to lose weight. The scale is moving slowly, which I know is healthy, but I have the strong desire to lose lose lose fast fast fast! I guess sometimes I think because I was sad while putting on the weight, I should be happier to lose it. Not so! Of course I am happy to lose weight, but when the end goal is so far away, it is hard to be so happy. My husband is very happy at my interest in healthiness. That will have to do for today!