There's no place like home...

...to make a healthy mind turn into a relapsing ball of mush. I'm back home from our vacation. (Leslie, I wondered if we passed along the freeway - we were driving Pennsylvania to Chicago today). I did not do well at all since we left Canada. It was almost as if by being back in New England I went back in time to when I ate whatever I want without even thinking about what it was doing to my body. It's no secret that I'm a stress eater. We chose to eat Thanksgiving at a friends house rather than with my brother since he and I have not spoken since July. It was a lovely dinner, but we did go to my brother's for dessert. In 4 hours we spoke 3 times. Once saying hello, once when I complemented his pumpkin pecan pie, and once when leaving to say goodbye. It is sad. I didn't cry and get all worked up (which is normal) but I ate (which is also normal in these circumstances). So maybe something has been worked out in my crazy brain. Then we visited my girls birth mother which gives its own set of stresses. We visited other friends in Pennsylvania the last few days, and again it felt like I had transported myself back to the time when I lived there and ate like there was no tomorrow. It's hard to explain it, but it was all kind of subconcious eating. I'm glad to be home. Glad to be away from all of that. I feel like a better person here. A healthier person physically and emotionally. That's why when people ask if I'd move back to New England, I always, without hesitation, say no! My body hated what I did to it there.

Anyhow. back to work tomorrow. Back to the gym, back to normal eating.

Allowances

I am allowing myself vacation. I am not beating myself up over eating french fries. I am making healthy choices when available. I allowed myself to eat half of a white chocolate peanut butter cup from the Chocolate Factory store we went. See...I refuse to pay $10 for lettuce. So unless a restaurant has an amazingly described tasty salad, I'm not eating them.

Here's a sad thing. In reality I am still fat. I think because I focus so much on the positives and I have lost almost 30 lbs that I just "think thin". But I saw this photo from our trip and I got sad.Because it reminded me so much I have left to do. I know I'm on my way, but sometimes the emotions hit me of all the work I have ahead of me.

Some people will say that if I have so much left than I shouldn't make "allowances". Well there's a little truth to that, but I know myself. If I stress too much about the process, I'll HATE the process, and I won't be able to endure longterm. I'm tired right now...haven't slept much the last couple of days which is making me more emotional for sure.

We'll be out of Canada tomorrow and back in the states, on our way to the pilgrims!

Oh Canada...

Blogging from Niagara falls. Vacation is hard to eat completely well since we are at hotels every day. I haven't been doing terribly, but I feel like my salt intake because of eating out has quadrupled. I'm choosing mostly turkey and chicken dishes.

Niagara is a strange place. I imagine it's like Vegas without a lot of casinos. There is as much neon as Times Square in NY it seems!

We've had a good trip so far. It has had it's stresses: First, an hour into our trip (ultimate destination: Plymouth, Massachusetts) darling S threw up all over herself and her carseat. She's had a fever the last day or so, but only threw up that once. Other than that she is her usual self.

The only other bad thing is that yesterday we messed up the time change. We were in Grand Rapids, MI and it is an hour a head than Chicago time. So we had less time at a place because of it.

We went to the Gerald Ford Presidential Museum and the Frederik Meijer Sculpture Gardens, both in Grand Rapids. K & I like to visit presidential museums. We've been to 5 total in the last few years and have 3 more to go on this trip. The Sculpture Gardens were lovely and interesting and they even let us stay 30 minutes after closing because we messed up the time change!

Today we drove to Niagara Falls. We went on the big Ferris Wheel to see the falls lit up from above, then we walked down to the American Falls. All the christmas lights are up on the trees here so it was pretty. Cold, but pretty!

I have learned on this trip the superiority of the equipment at my fitness center. I tried working out last night in the hotel fitness center, but their equipment was so substandard. The tread mill had little traction and felt slippery to my feet and moved to much when I started walking fast, the elliptical made a horrible sound every time I cycled and the stationary bike took a lot of time to change resistance during the workout. I did work out for about 35 minutes or so, but it was annoying. Who knew I would become such a workout equipment snob!!

We have another day in Niagara, then we head to Plymouth, MA for a few days, then Pennsylvania and back to Illinois next Sunday. Stay tuned...

The First 100 Days

It has been approximately 100 days since I began this journey. There's been elation and there's been depression. There's been annoyance and there's been peacefulness. There's been laughter and there has been tears. In my next 100 days I plan to continue this journey and see where it takes me. I have lost approximately 28 lbs which is less than I had hoped for, but is still a good deal - no a great deal.

Here are my 100 day accomplishments:
Lower Cholesterol
Lower Blood Pressure
Lost weight, gained muscle and flexibility
Took the following exercise classes: BodyPump, BodyFlow, BodyStep, BodyVive, BodyCombat, Total body Conditioning, Power Cycling, Aqua Aerobics, Zumba, Yoga, Chair Yoga...then I ellipticycled, stair mastered, treadmilled, did weights, rowed and cycled
I rode 4 miles outdoors on my own bike.
Regulated my periods (so far)
Have had 2 1/2 hours of massage

Here's what I hope to accomplish the next 100 days
Lose more weight, gain more muscle and flexibility
Take the following classes: Boot Camp, Cardio Tennis, Swimming
Keep my periods regular by watching my carb intake and exercising
Try new foods: Persimmons, Edamame for starters
Fit into my wedding dress (just to see that I can)
Have a massage once a month

I love having massages. I think it really helps with my stess level. I have the best massage therapist. I think it is so enjoyable because it is 60 minutes of touch that commands no response. It is not a child hanging on to you, it is not a husband wanting more (I love you honey) but it requires nothing but for me to relax and lie there. There have been noted some benefits for weight loss and fertility as well. So I love it. And I love my husband for allowing me to have one each month. In this season of thanks, I am thankful for him. For loving me this way, completely flawed, and continuing to love me after 7 years.

Bring on the next 100 days!

P.S. (Thank you all for your kind words yesterday...they really encouraged me from feeling pointless. I think that is my greatest fear in life...that nothing I have said or done will have meant anything to anyone.)

My Blog is Boring

I've just spent the last half hour reading blogs, and boy do you all write so well! I'm feeling like I'm so un-profound. Some of you write the most amazing insightful things with a beautiful command of the English language. You are having such thoughtfulness. I, on the other hand, feel like this is the doldrums. I do realize I am writing this blog for me, with no shame, no apologies for what it says. It is an honor to have others take their time to read it, so I sometimes feel I should offer more than "The gym was great" or "I love my trainer". Honestly though, I feel like I'm figuring it all out, one day at a time and what works for me doesn't necessarily work for someone else. All I can do is talk about my daily experience. I know why *I* overate the first 35 years of my life, but I can't really give over to general assumptions about anyone else. Sometimes blogs are convicting, but then I step back and think "They are in the fire too! Why are they telling me what to do!" I have this thing about certain famous pastors who give very easy platitudes. I literally walked out of bible study one day because I couldn't take the pastor's preaching. I cannot accept someone's condemnation of my actions if they have not lived the life I've lived. That's why I love Jesus. He doesn't condemn, just forgives, repeatedly.

So I can't tell you how to overcome this struggle, only what I am doing to overcome. It's not very profound, just my life. And sometimes - a lot of times, it's just boring!

Manic Tuesday

I'm a little manic today. Not sure why. I really want to eat eat eat. I'm not eating badly, but I'm stuffing my face. I think my calorie count so far is at about 1000. Eating stick after stick of celery, carrots, cucumbers. It's not bad foods, but it's a bad mindframe. I can feel it. I'm a bit tired today..stayed up late last night and got up early this morning...it could be a reason.

Spin Class at 4:45. What will I do next week without my beloved fitness center?

BodyCombat Bust!

I tried to take BodyCombat today. I was pumped about it after we did boxing with the personal trainer. I lasted about 7 minutes and decided it was NOT for me. I really think it would destroy my already painful knees if I kept doing it. The first 7 minutes was all basically hopping from one foot back to the other jabbing our arms. Then we started doing back and front kicks while turning our body which my knees definitely could not stand!

Oh well. I tried. I then walked the track for a bit and relaxed in the sauna.

Off to work off calories while Christmas shopping!

Lots of Guts, No Glory

So about a month or so back I commented on how I was being very testy with people who said I looked good who knew how I was working at losing weight. Today I am wondering why noone has even noticed that I've lost almost 30 lbs. I lost the weight of one of my kids, for crying out loud!! I really don't like tons of attention, but it was just interesting to me that NOONE outside of the couple that know all the work I've been doing have said anything. Usually someone will ask. Oh well...someday soon I will get some notice for all I've done.

I'm fitting into another shirt I could not fit into when I bought it. It is very exciting for me. I've been doing really well eating within the guidelines of the dietician. I have been eating 2 fruits instead of 1 1/2, but I LOVE fruit and I figure 1/2 fruit won't do me in. Looking forward to these week's meeting with her and Thursdays meeting with the fitness trainer.

Double the Pleasure, Double the Fun!!

First an aside...those Doublemint commercials always freaked me out a bit. I have twins, but that many twins especially when there were 2 boy twins and 2 girl twins together all preppy looking is just weird!! (Apologies if you and your twin married another set of twins)

So today's weight: 263.8! Which means that I can not only post one ACHIEVED, but 2!!! See...double the pleasure!

Emotionally I've needed this. I know that I haven't been working as hard for the last 2 weeks, but sometimes just a pound or two makes all the difference in motivating me and keeping me strong!

I'm not terribly sore today which is a bonus!! I really am getting some defined biceps. I am Woman, Hear me ROAR!!!

Channeling Rocky Balboa

I've never worn boxing gloves until today. The workout with the fitness trainer was all boxing! I actually liked it. I have always stayed away from Body Combat because I felt I was too "girlie". But strap on a pair of pink boxing gloves and I'm ready to go three rounds! Now they don't wear boxing gloves in Body Combat, but I'm more willing to try it now. Well....maybe I should see how sore I am tomorrow. If right now is any indication, I'm going to be DEAD SORE! OUCH!!

I'm proud. I stuck to my fruit and a half. It was hard. I purposely did not buy bananas at the grocery store. I thought about buying Edamame, but it just sounds so snobbish!

On a very exciting note...and I'm calling it a miracle from God, I weight 266.6 at 8:00 PM - after a workout, After drinking a ton of water all day, including about 20 oz during the workout, after a good sized dinner. Which means tomorrow I might be able to update an ACHIEVED! We shall see!

Trust No One

I'm beginning to wonder if there is anyone's advice I can trust in this weight loss journey. Part of the problem is that I have years worth of knowledge about weight loss strategies. I just get more and more frustrated....

I had my metabolic rate tested a few months back which said I burnt 1800 calories just by being alive. The personal trainer said that I need to eat above that amount in order for my body just to work correctly.

Today I met with the dietician. She gave me a daily calorie of 1500-1700 calories a day. I asked her about it and she seemed to believe that I could eat 300 calories less than my MRR and be okay. But this is before exercise!! I think the calorie count should be higher (and not just because I want to eat more!!) So who do I trust? Registered Dietician vs Trainer. The Trainer lost 200 lbs. That gives her credibility. The Dietician makes her living telling people what they need to eat to be healthy. That's credentials. ARGH! It's annoying. You know what else is annoying? I'm only supposed to be eating 1 1/2 servings of fruit a day. I probably eat like 6 servings a day right now. I LOVE bananas. LOVE. I'd marry bananas! (well I kind of did - if you knew my husband!) So this stinks. I thought I was eating so healthy.

I took a spin class this morning. I'm adding a Note to Self: Do NOT take Spin classes on consecutive days! My legs were toast. The instructor even told me not to push myself very hard since we had worked hard yesterday. I did about half the class and then went up and worked with resistance bands and did squats. My shoulders got a good workout!

I've been accomplishing little things here and there around the house which has boosted my mood a bit! I can't WAIT for Christmas. We put our lights on the bushes over the weekend since it was so warm. I have not turned them on yet, but I want to! I've been listening to Christmas Music the last few days too. I'm just excited to decorate my house since this is our first Christmas here! Also, Christmas music makes me clean better (kind of like I'm anticipating company)

I've got to go to bed. I'm feeling a sore throat coming on and want to rest. Happy Trails!

Note to Self:

Note to Self: If you do not exercise for 5 days, the workout will be hard.
Note to Self: If your children are begging to go to the fitness center, it's been too long.
Note to Self: Good job for going!

I had a very reasonable day. I got some cleaning done, some shopping, including my husband's christmas present (HAHA honey, I'm not going to tell!). I ate well and went to Spin class. It was hard...can definitely feel it more - I'm exhausted

Tomorrow is our first meeting with the dietician. I didn't go to the behavioral therapist last week because I was having such an emotional day I didn't really want to go and hear about emotional eating. I was living it! I do love Thursdays working with the trainer. I was supposed to take a class I hadn't taken yet by Thursday and I had intentions yesterday of doing it, but my crankiness won out and I didn't go.

I've been trying to wake up and say to myself "What story are you going to write today, Jodie?" Sometimes it motivates me. Sometimes, not. The scale is okay. It was at 267.3 this afternoon which means I really haven't gained anything this last week or so of not caring so much. I am glad I don't have to put up another REGAIN! Sadly though, I'm off track to make 250 by the end of the year. If I put my butt in gear, I *might* be able to pull it off. I'm not confident though, and that's okay. I am confident that I will weigh less and that is good enough.

Here I am Again..

The sun came out for a few days but now has gone away again! :(

I had a lovely visit with my friend from Boston, but it ended sadly with the drama that I was anticipating with my one girlfriend who lives here. It's too long to go into, but I surely did a lot of emotional eating at this point of the last week. Since my friend was here, I didn't get to the gym as often either.

I went to a Beth Moore conference (she's a very dynamic Christian author and speaker) in Springfield this weekend with a very good friend. There were over 8000 women in attendance there. It was pretty amazing. One thing that she spoke about was how our grudges keep us in bondage to the person that we have a grudge about. I think it was Leslie at Something Brilliant who said something a while back about negative things taking up space in our brain...and this added to thought. This friend that was an instigator of the stress I had, has done this so often, I have grudges against her (some that go 7 years long). I am loving and forgiving, but when the same instances recurr over and over - it is easy to have grudges. But it does make in bondage to her. IF one person's actions cause such distraction and distress,then why do I let myself stay in that situation?

Anyhow. I am trying to catch up on some blogs. Life returns to normal for a few weeks until we travel for Thanksgiving! Have a great day!