April 1st

Spring, ah spring! Today was a beautiful day...flowers are beginning to bloom on the tree just outside my sunroom window. We took the girls to a park to ride their bikes while my husband and I walked hand in hand behind them. It was perfect.

Ah, if only, no... I MUST keep these thoughts in my head. Those moments need to be the ones I think of...

I love spring..not as much as fall, but still I love it! I exercised once this past week at the fitness center, and a little bit of walking today. So not zero, but not enough.

I've eaten badly. I know this. I've still done it though. But tomorrow is a 1st. It's ALWAYS easier to rededicate on the beginning of a month. Especially the beginning of a spring month when it is supposed to be sunny and 70 degrees!! I'm oozing optimism here, friends - can you feel it...can you take some of it for yourself and your own motivation? Please do!

I've been reading some wonderful books lately. Wonderful, soul searching kind of books that really give me perspective on a lot.

The Mom I Want to Be - T. Suzie Eller. I read it through and now I want to go and read it again more in depth. It has really given me great perspective on my parenting and my abilities to make our lives better than what I had.

Self Talk, Soul Talk - Jennifer Rothschild. I'm a little less than half way through. It's about training ourselves to talk to ourselves in a positive way and ways that only encourage us. I love how she honestly says that it won't get rid of the negative stuff we think, but if we continue to practice positive self talk, eventually the good stuff will cover up a lot of the bad. I might quote some of her because a lot of what she writes can really apply to a weight loss battle.

The Last Child in the Woods - Richard Louv - This has nothing to do with weight loss or self improvement really, but it is a study about how children today have what the author terms as "nature deficit disorder" and how that is really causing them higher anxiety and greater inability to deal with stress. It's interesting so far.

This might be my favorite week of the whole year. Dubbed "Holy Week" by some, I love the week leading up to Easter. My favorite thing is Good Friday services. (growing up Catholic, I didn't even mind the stations of the cross that I went to with my Nana). I think that without an understanding the suffering and sorrow, we can't understand the hope and joy and truth of Easter.

HAPPY EASTER!! (in case I dont get around to posting again)

Science

I'm linking to a very interesting study done on rats and food addiction.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/20100328/hl_hsn/junkfoodaddictionmaybereal

The Rising of the Sun

I love sunrises. They may not be as beautiful as sunsets can be, but I love the hope and promise that a sun bursting out can bring for the day. Suns setting signal the end of something, while sun rises signal the beginning. A fresh day, a fresh start. Fresh hope.

I have a friend whose girlfriend has also had a difficult upbringing. Whose parents weren't the affirming, encouraging folks we all long to have. But she and I are different as night and day. While I find hope in each new day, a chance for redemption, she only sees the sorrow and hurt. She wonders how God could love her if he allowed those things in her life. She is miserable. On the outside she is a strong woman who has had a book published, who has worked in government circles, who even attended one of the inaugural balls for President Bush! Plus she's dating one of my very best friends but yet she feels God hates her and there is nothing good in her life. She's REALLY stuck. She gets through each day with no hope.

Now, I have had those feelings on occasion and I do murk through emotions about my upbringing on a daily basis usually, but when I look at life I do see blessings and hope and opportunity. I see love. This weight is my own prison of my own doing and I bear the brunt of the blame for it. And maybe, as Chris (A Deliberate Life) says when I deal with all of that stuff, get it all out there - because there is a lot that is still not out there) the weight will come off. I won't need to look to food.

Yesterday I went to a friends house for lunch. I brought a bag of potato chips with me. At one point in the meal the conversation went something like this..
Friend: Thanks for bringing the chips.
Me: No problem, I want to make sure you'll stay my friend (truth masked in humor)
Friend: Did you just say that? You don't really think that do you?
Me: Well I just want to make sure.

It's not the exact wording...but my friend called me out on it. And it was really the most wonderful thing. Because she knows me and isn't afraid to tell me when I'm lying to myself and correct it. I do have fear. Fear that today's friend won't care about me tomorrow. It has happened. It makes me nervous to trust people. So sometimes, subconsciously I think things like "If I bring the chips they will like me". Thank you friend, for loving me even if I don't bring the chips. And for giving me hope which is helping me heal.

Face to Face with the Enemy

I am tired. I don't feel I've quite caught up from the last few weeks. I had two weekends away, then daylight savings time, then this last trip where we lost another hour traveling east and making it back up coming home. I think my whole internal clock is confused.

So last night I woke up to scratching on the wall of my bedroom. I got up and looked out the window to see this huge animal on our house. It was a raccoon! It kept walking back and forth. Jumping down to our deck and back up to the overhang at our bedroom and back to the roof. At one point my husband and I knocked on the window to try to scare it to jumping off the house. Instead it came right up to the window and peaked in!! I was face to face with my enemy! (It actually was kind of a cute enemy)

Depression is not a cute enemy. Trying to go face to face with it,I did go to spin class yesterday. And then ate Oreos. I did not eat breakfast, but at oreos for lunch. I read books to help me be better but then they make me sad. I wish I was more like my husband. He has accomplished things he wanted to accomplish in life, he generally doesn't care what other people think about him and he is just laid back. I am the opposite, in all ways. We truly do balance because we are complete extremes. Facing the enemy is hard. Sometimes the enemy is myself. And I'm battling different enemies within myself a lot.

Today I realized why I get so upset when my kids make such a cluttered mess with their toys. Normally I get angry with them, but part of my learning about not punishing others for things that happened to me in my life brings questions to my mind. When I was about to blow my stack today for complete destruction of our family room while they were building a fort to play in, the thought came to my mind. "You are not angry with them, but you are angry because you grew up in clutter to the point where you had to stay out of your house for days while your family cleaned the house. And then you had DCFS visiting you in school asking you about your life and your Dad and you were afraid they were going to take you away. You were so happy to return home to a beautiful clean house, only for it to be dirtied and cluttered again so quickly." I took a deep breath and I told the girls, they could make a fort, but I would help them make it so they were not completely destroying the house. Stuff like this is my daily enemy that I have to go face to face with every day.

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned it, but in high school I went to counseling once a week for a while. The counselor told me that despite my circumstances she was very impressed that my only "vice" was my weight. She was actually impressed! I was smart, had friends, did well in school, liked to read, volunteered, went to church. I was not on drugs or promiscuous or pregnant or a runaway. I'm fighting memories all day long, every day. I want so much to be a better person, physically, emotionally and spiritually. But it is hard. VERY hard. And for those who say "just get over it"...I'd like them to tell me how. Specifically...a step by step process. Because it ain't that easy.


Oh Spring, where art thou!?

When You Are BAD...

Bored
Anxious
Depressed

B.A.D. - this is when I tend to eat the most. When I binge, when I eat haphazardly. And it is BAD for my body and for my mind. It is BAD. Notice that hunger is not part of that acronym. I am rarely hungry.

Bored - Why do I even allow this to happen? There is always SOMETHING that I could do. Life is full of things to do, places to explore.

Anxious - Sometimes I get anxious. Waiting for a call, waiting for my husband to get home. Stressed about something I have to do. I want to start praying or reading instead of eating. There are much better things to do than be anxious.

Depressed - This is the toughest one because when I am depressed I really don't want to do anything but eat. It is a 30 year old habit that is very hard to break. Thankfully winter is mostly over and I can get outside more to help keep this at bay.

I was really stressed last night with the kids in our hotel room. Stressed to the shutdown depressed state. Blaming myself for bad parenting and inability to effectively discipline the kids. Thinking it was pointless to even try. My husband said to me. "You're stressed because you haven't had any time alone in a few weeks. You haven't been to the gym" He's right. One of the kids was sick with swollen tonsils and strep and I like to keep them out of commission a little longer when they are on antibiotics to protect other kids from their germs. So once we get back to Chicagoland tomorrow night, I need to get there more often if only to get time alone to de-stress.

Welcome to my 5 new readers! I'm grateful for you all. On this journey to get rid of the BAD and making it GREAT - Getting Required Exercise All the Time!!!

No more Sorrow, No More Pain

It is with much sadness that I post right now. A fellow blog friend, Bethany McDonald, passed away last night from a heart attack. She had a heart condition and was trying to lose some weight to help with that. Though we never met in person, she was one of my first readers and always one to encourage me whatever state I was in. She was young and lovely with a gentle spirit. She was one of the bloggers I wrote about the other day when I said I would not stop following even though the scale was not in her favor. She wrote from her heart. I am sad that I will not get to hear from her again. I am sad for her husband and 2 young children she leaves behind.
But through my tears, I am comforted to know what she believed in and to Whom she belonged. I believe that she will be made perfect in Heaven. I am reminded of this song by artist Chris Tomlin

"I Will Rise"

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

Bethany's name was called, and now she can be pain free, sorrow free in a new body. I will pray for those she left here on earth. Those who will feel sorrow and pain. That they will find peace and comfort in this sad time.

Although she won't be able to encourage on earth, this was her blog: www.bethanymcdonald.blogspot.com I hope you'll take a minute and just get to know a fabulous woman, who if we knew each other personally, I'm sure we'd be "in life" friends.

Who will be Number 50?

I have had 49 followers it seems forever! Now, I am in awe and honored that 49 people take the time to read my words each day. It's kind of like having 49 friends call you on the phone to see how you are doing, (without having to search for the phone every time it rings). This, in a way, is part of my own healing process. My words count. They mean something to people - maybe different things - but still something.

I like Grey's Anatomy. I watch it faithfully, and have never missed an episode. I spent some time wondering why I like it so much. Part of it has to do with the fact that Meredith's (the main character) father abandoned the family when she was young. And she has trust issues and abandonment issues. It is made up drama about real life feelings. A few episodes ago was a flash back in time when one of the main doctors was an intern. She was quiet and basically unheard. The chief told her "surgery is a shark tank, don't be a minnow." and "God made you short, who made you quiet?" My blog, in a way is helping me not be a minnow and is making me feel heard. It's a step in confidence.

Last night we had a fun night at 1776. The cast was mostly good, but the orchestra was terrible. I know it's local theater and we love supporting that, so they probably couldn't afford a great group. Today is hubby's birthday, so we have a few plans to eat out. Love that. Love him. Heading into Chicago to the Field Museum with the kids. Lots of walking, lots of fun.

I plan to hit the gym this week. Last week we had strep throat, the week before swollen tonsils and fever. So I've only been once in the last couple of weeks. Kid illnesses are a pain. I've been unmotivated too, so I can't blame it all on the kids.

So who will be #50? And thank you, 49 readers who encourage me and make me feel a little more like a shark every day.

I'm Over Waiting

If you are a faithful reader you might have noticed I changed my blog description from The Overweight Life to The Over Wait(ing) Life. The url will remain unchanged because it's too much of a pain to start a new one.

I hate to wait. In lines, for my kids or husbands, for airplanes to take off, for other people. I hate it. which probably exacerbates my emotional tendencies regarding life, because I am perpetually waiting. I'm waiting for a cathartic moment where everything lines up perfectly in life and I become that "exact" person that I imagine I would be if I am completely whole and perfect.

Yeah...well, that's probably not going to happen overnight. I confess I get stuck in patterns of bad behavior because I don't think I can ever be whole sometimes. I'm so used to being the fat girl with no self esteem who is very lonely. The truth is that I've probably conditioned my life to be the way it is because of my patterns of behavior. Of not trusting. Of automatically assuming that others don't like me, don't care, don't respect because of my weight or because of my brokenness. Many bloggers post that once you lose the weight all of that is still there. Ugh. I don't want that. I need to refocus. It's not about the weight, or how many times I work out a week. That will help me, and I should be doing it, but it needs to be about something greater than that, or my identity will stay caught up in my weight, and others opinions of my weight.

So I've deleted my progress and inches. Many might think it's because I've gained. Yes, the truth is I have gained about 5 lbs since January. But that's not why I've deleted all that. I don't want my readers to find my worth in lbs lost any more than I want people in my life to love me better if I weigh less. Two of my favorite bloggers right now are not moving on the scale in a favorable direction, but I don't want to stop reading them because they both offer fabulous insight and such encouragement to me. I don't want to be in a competition with other bloggers about lbs lost. This is not what I want my life to be about. Oh, I think that achievements are wonderful and need to be recognized, so I'll still tell you about that. But to keep moving ahead, it's more healthy not to think ..."wow, I used to achieve more weekly goals". It's like looking at a trophy of when you were the best at something. It's disappointing when you aren't quite at that level anymore.

I started this blog and my weight loss efforts to find "normal" to feel "normal". I've lost a little bit of that focus in the last few months. So I'm trying to get it back. I need more accepting of who I am, and who God made me to be. I'm not always sure of the answer to that, but I am sure that He didn't intend for me to hate myself on weeks where the scale shows a gain and love myself on the weeks where it shows a loss.

This has never been a "spiritual" blog. But faith in God is one of the most important parts of my life. It's time to intertwine the two a bit more. I may lose readers because of it, but that's okay. This is who I am. I've got to stop being afraid of that.

OK...fun things...tonight is DATE NIGHT! Going to see the musical 1776 with my hubby. We might have time to stop at the Creperie for a dessert before we go! FUN FUN! I love (most) musicals. Then tomorrow is Hubby's Birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE! Sunday we leave for Ypsilanti Michigan. (huh? where?) It's next to Ann Arbor. K has some work there Monday and Tuesday and the girls and I are going to hang out at the hotel pool and check out the town for a couple of days!! Family togetherness!

Have a wonderful day.

I'm not lucky, but I'm blessed

I am not a lucky person. I very rarely have won any type of raffle or contest. When I do something nice, it tends to backfires. (ie the snow shoveling incident of '08 when I was trying to be helpful to my husband and I fell on my tush and hurt for about 5 months). I have come to expect the worst in life because it seems that I've just had a lot of that.

But when I take my eyes off my fat self for just a few minutes and look at what I have and not what I don't have I can see the blessings of my life.

Although I have an overweight body, I have a body that works generally well for the most part with good blood pressure and cholesterol and free of cancer.

Although I have a husband who frustrates me, I have a husband who works hard so I can stay at home with my children, who allows me to go away for weekends and takes care of the children. Who does help with household chores when I ask him to. Who plays board games with me when I want (even if he doesn't like the particular game)

Although I want to pull my hair out of my head with my children often, I have two beautiful, smart children who express themselves well (sometimes TOO well) who know how to pray to God even at a young age, who find joy in simple toys like squishy lizards and frogs and who love to be read to. Who will cuddle at a moments notice and who make me laugh like no comedien on earth.

Although I have some friendships that hurt more than they help, I have some friends who are the bees knees. Who I can call for stupid things like the sounds coming from my dishwasher and who I can call in tears because I am discouraged. Ones who pray with me and for me. Ones who sing Bon Jovi in the back of a church van coming home from a conference.

Although our house needs some updating that is somewhat infested with ladybugs, I have a house on an acre of wooded land, with hundred year old oaks with so many bird friends we can't even count. We live next to another five year old who will start Kindergarten in the fall and are surrounded by nurses (in case some unlucky should happen)

Although I have a painful past, I have a hopeful future. Who I am at this moment doesn't have to define me. Who I have been doesn't have to define me. My past does not define me. This is truth I need to keep reminding myself of.

Here's some photos of our St. Patrick's day celebration. I don't need luck. I'm already blessed.

Punishment

I am dressed for the fitness center...had a good breakfast today, healthy eating yesterday, feeling better.

I had a very good weekend at the Hearts at Home Conference. I love, even when it's hard, when someone speaks words that reveal something in me that is not good. A way of thinking I hadn't even realized.

I took a session called "The Mom I want to be" with T. Suzie Eller. It was about forgiveness and healing but more really about moving past dysfunction. One of the things she spoke that really hit hard was about punishing others (and ourselves) for things that haven't worked out in our life. She says often it is because the offending person hasn't made amends for the wrongs done or hasn't suffered for the wrongs done. It's natural that we want some sort of payback for the things that have hurt us.

I am a perpetual punisher. I punish myself by not taking care of me. I can honestly say that I eat sometimes to hurt myself because I still feel unwanted by my parents. Because even though it isn't REALLY hurting them I think that if I hurt myself enough then they might have some carthasis moment that we see so often on TV where parents admit they were so wrong and want to help you and be more a part of your life....It probably won't happen, so I need to be conscious of that daily.

I punish my husband. My dad was not a cleaner. Either we lived in squalor or I did all the cleaning. When I cleaned, if I didn't finish one room, my dad would comment on that one missed room. I expect a lot of him. I think I deserve a clean spotless house that *I* don't have to do all the work for.

I punish my kids (and this was such a hard thing for me to hear) because I feel they should have some super duper love for me all the time because I am a mother who stayed and chooses to stay at home with them. They are only 4..they shouldn't have that burden. So my punishment comes by being disappointed when they don't act as grateful as I think they should.

So it gave me a lot to think about. A lot to work on. But it is true that we all want someone to pay when they've hurt of. And when they don't pay for their offenses then we punish others. False senses of what we deserve to get or to be.

Busted

Friends are the best thing in life. This week I was busted for not going to the fitness center for the last few weeks. My super friend called me on her way to her job and said "I was driving by the fitness center and thought of you and thought I'd call you." That's all she said then, but later in the day we were having a conversation about my feelings lately and she asked "Have you been working out?" She knows the answer. I haven't blogged lately or talked about the fitness center. She knows. I'm busted. But that's good. It's good when someone recognizes that something has shifted in your life and can call you on it in an encouraging but corrective way.

Last weekend I was in Boston - land that I love, but land of great stress and increased anxiety. I blogged all about the emotional duress I experience visiting the land of my youth last November...no need to reiterate. I did see my brother and have about a 10 sentence conversation with him which is a 7 sentence increase over the last time I saw him. Big improvement since I only saw him for about 10 minutes this time as opposed to 3 hours last time! There was difficulty with one of the friends there..the one i expected it to be and maybe at long last this friendship can be ended. This friendship started years and years ago when I sought all types of approval and friendship. I would have done anything people said to keep them in my lives. But eventually I grew up and grew somewhat of a spine and determined what I liked to do and had opinions. I got married and had someone else to consult on major decisions and often our decisions weren't what she thought was the "best". Since then our friendship has been rocky but consistent. We moved closer to her when my husband changed jobs and I thought this would help our friendship, but it has strained it more. It is sad to end a friendship, but it is even sadder to live constantly in a state of disapproval.

I'm off this weekend to a conference in Normal, Illinois. I wonder why they named it this. I should do some research. It's called the Hearts at Home Conference - it's all about being the best mother and person we can while being at home with our kids.

Thanks for those who are checking in with me even when I don't blog! It's encouraging.

When I am Weak I am Weak

I had my second interview today and it went really well, but now is the waiting game. They really didn't give me any exact idea when they would know...just soon.

I leave Thursday for a weekend in Boston with my girlfriends. It'll be a weekend without kids, so that is nice, since the last few I've had a sick child and even as I type there is yelling and whining going on in the background.

I am a weak person. As a Christian I believe God is strong and can make me a stronger and better person. But right now I feel weak and not feeling strong at all. At least not in the area of taking care of my body.

I miss blogging daily. Sometimes I don't write because my hubby and 2 good friends read. ( I love you all really) but sometimes its hard to lay it all out there to people who know you so well. It's weird because they DO know me well, so why is that harder?

One of my deterrents is a problem I had when I was around this weight in 2004. It's kind of gross so if you are squeamish, you might want to stop reading. It's an odor problem. It exists in the the area where my stomach roll lands by my lady parts. I'm sure its just a sweat issue because of how the skin is rubbing there. Kind of like the sweat between your toes. I think when I was a bit heavier maybe it just wasn't so close or something. Anyhow, it just has me self conscious in a way I haven't had to be. I just feel I want to keep taking showers before and after workouts and before I go to bed at night, but 3 showers a day is a bit excessive. So I use baby powder on it to keep it drying and from producing sweat. I told you , it's gross. So I think mentally I want to gain weight so it will stop smelling. My nutty brain. I think I just don't know at which weight it will STOP smelling. Does anyone else have this problem?

Anyhoo...(as my hubby says) that's today's news.