Where to go from here...

I've been trying to figure out the plan...how to flip that switch. I'm hoping the snow will end so I can go to the gym later. I'm deleting all my achieved and starting over. Since it's been a rocky month I need a "fresh start" and not a reminder of my failure to keep going. Sometimes I think I cling to the "I lost 25 lbs! That's great so if I don't lose more for a while that's okay!" So now I need to begin the next phase. It's great what I've done, but I have to do more. I know that.

Back to my Pithy Posting,,,

Thank you Leslie for a new vocabulary word! I really had to look it up because when I read about you wanting more of my "pithy" posts, I was insulted thinking it meant meaningless when in fact in means the opposite! It's a word like precocious. It sounds terrible, but really means a good thing!

I have nothing positive to report. I will not go into the gluttony that the last few weeks have been. A while back I talked about there being an on/off switch in my brain regarding healthy eating. And it's definitely been in the OFF position now. I've been processing a lot in my head about this problem and I think I might have an idea of one thing that might be causing it. Bear with me:

When you grow up without a mother and a father who doesn't really spend that much time or attention on you, not giving praise OR condemnation you seek out affirmation. I do. I want people to approve of me, like me, and god forbid, LOVE me. I just want to feel like I matter on this earth, that I've contributed something that people will always hold fond memories of me. So when I went back to New England for Thanksgiving and only one person (and a person I generally can NOT stand ) noticed my weight loss efforts it really depressed me. A "What's the point" type of depression. (and adding this on to the other depression I was experiencing from family stuff just made it bad). I guess what it comes down to is I have a lot of reasons to lose weight but most of them are about other people - for my husband, for my kids, so people will give me more respect, think I'm attractive, etc. and when those other people don't notice, it is hard on my psyche. Again today my husband reminded me that I have him and our girls and that should be enough for me. He's very right, but I don't know how to change my mindset.

So that's where I am. There's always hope...I always have it, sometimes it just takes a lot to get through to it!

Delayed Depression

It hit hard. I'm working through it. Holidays are tough because they drudge up a TON of emotions that I'm not good at dealing with. My K tells me I need to focus on the family of 4 we are and not get worked up about the rest of it. It's just hard when there is noone in either of families that are terribly interested in our lives or that of our kids. We get the obligatory christmas card/presents but then we don't hear from anyone until a birthday. One of the reasons I wanted to move from New England was that it was too hard to live so close to my family and have them be so uninterested. It helped to move so far away, but it still is sad.

Only one person noticed I had lost weight when I was on vacation, and it was a person who sees me an hour twice a year. Someone who hadn't even known I was working out. I weigh 40 lbs less than the last time I was there and noone I'm related to even noticed.

I'm coming out the other side now. I made my bed and took a shower. I'm feeling less burdened. I probably won't hit the gym today but soon.

So, if you are a praying person, I could use a few just to get out of this funk.